


Sapphire and Sunshine

by Raicheru



Series: Cinnamon and Sapphire [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Eventual Sex, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Past Torture, M/M, POV First Person, Romance, Slow Build, some fluff later on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 11:57:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 71,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12630561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raicheru/pseuds/Raicheru
Summary: Gaara is struggling to deal with his growing physical and emotional reactions to Naruto. But when the blonde goes missing for more than a week and returns traumatized, will Gaara be able to tell him how he feels without causing more damage?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally Posted on FF.net March 2012-2014.
> 
> I just started updating the sequel Cinnamon and Sand after nearly three years in limbo and I wanted to bring both stories over here.
> 
> This is explicit in later chapters, but it takes a while to get there. In most cases, I like writing relationships more than writing sex.
> 
> This story should be completely uploaded over the weekend. (I've completely forgotten how to post here so I'm re-learning as I go.) Reviews and comments are lovely and appreciated if you care to share your thoughts.

A warm breeze blew across the sand carrying the dry scent of the desert. I felt it brush across my face and I closed my eyes for a moment to enjoy the moving air. Suna had been slogging through a bout of stagnant, hot weather lately that had been making everyone irritable. Even the nights had been overly warm and uncomfortable. It was part of the reason I was up on the roof instead of in the stifling confines of my office. I had no interest in keeping the rest of my appointments for the afternoon and I wanted nothing more than to find a cool shadow to stretch out and nap in. 

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t have been bothered by the heat but I’d come to realize recently that my tolerance for high temperatures had come partly from the Shukaku. Now that I was no longer a Jinchuriki, it seemed I was more susceptible to my surroundings and the environment. Not that I let my discomfort show even now that was momentarily alone. I couldn’t afford to show weakness at this point. My position as Kazekage was relatively secure but I wasn’t going to give any of the older council members any reason to doubt me. I could handle it. 

There had been a time when I’d never really considered planning for my future. It never occurred to me that I even had one. My very existence had been hard enough to deal with when I was a child. Only by ridding the world of other people did I feel that I was allowed to continue living myself. If it could have been called living. I’d let the hate from those around me and my own resentment mold me into a monster. But it was so different now. And all because of a single person that had showed me there was another way. Someone who had known the same pain as me but hadn’t let it be the only thing to shape his path.

A small smile pulled at my lips as I thought of what Naruto would be doing if he were here. He would most likely be complaining about the heat and making a general nuisance of himself. I wondered what he was doing right now. It wasn’t often that I got to see him and I always cherished his rare visits even if he spent a good deal of time whining about the temperature. My smile widened. In two days, I would be making a trip to Konoha and I’d asked Tsunade to keep my arrival on a need to know basis. It was partly for security reasons but mostly I just wanted a chance to surprise my friend. His startling blue eyes would widen and a foolish grin would light his face up like a beacon.

I felt a surge of warmth that had nothing to do with the weather and I sighed quietly. What was I going to do about Naruto? He was easily my closest friend but sometimes I wondered at the depth of my feelings. I didn’t have any experience to guide me since I’d never had any real connection to another person before. I wanted to see him, to be around him all the time. Whenever he was near, I wanted his attention and when he wasn’t with me, I missed him. Was that normal? Should I worry? How much was too much? And how the hell would I ever get the answer to those questions without embarrassing myself and whoever asked?

It wasn’t just wanting to be around Naruto, it was much more complex than that. I couldn’t quite figure it out myself but I couldn’t talk to anyone else about it either. My feelings had really started to shift the last time the unpredictable blonde had come to Suna. I noticed when he arrived that he seemed to be extremely uncomfortable but when I asked him, he tried to shrug it off as nothing. Only after a certain amount of prodding had he shown me what the problem was and pulled off his jacket and shirt. His normal complexion was usually a golden tan but his back had burned a brilliant, swollen red. Apparently he’d stopped at the oasis for a swim and had fallen asleep in the sun.

I had merely shaken my head in weary amusement and pulled out a jar of aloe before sitting Naruto down on a stool in front of me. He let out a cute little ‘eep’ and squirmed when I started spreading the gel down over his shoulder. 

“That’s cold.” It wasn’t really. I could feel the heat radiating from his skin as I continued to cover the burn. The aloe just felt cold in comparison. But after a few moments, he sighed softly. “Actually, that’s nice.” Naruto looked over his shoulder at me and smiled. “With your pale skin I bet you burn to a crisp in the sun, Gaara.”

I don’t know why but that’s when I felt that first surge of warmth just from looking at him. His skin was warm under my fingers and his smile was radiant. The scent of the aloe blended with Naruto’s sweat and the earthly hint of forest shadows. My eyes traveled down over the leanly muscled planes of his back to the waistband of his pants. I swallowed hard and was surprised to feel a tightening tingle below that had never happened just from looking at someone before. Naruto saw me staring and frowned. 

“Hey, your face is kind of red. You didn’t get burned too did you?” 

No, the heated flush creeping up to my hairline had nothing to do with a sunburn but I couldn’t tell him that. I shook my head and told him it was nothing. How could I explain that I was dangerously close to becoming hard just from looking at my best friend? I was afraid that If I told him, it would change things and I valued our friendship far too much to endanger it. Fortunately, he didn’t push and I was able to finish with the aloe quickly. 

That was several months ago but it wasn’t the last time that I’d become aroused just from the thought of him. There were occasions where I lay in my bed thinking of him, shamelessly enjoying the pleasurable sensations from my body’s reactions. I had come to terms with the fact that I was a teenager and was suffering from the same fluctuating hormones as everyone else my age. But I always felt a little guilty after. What was wrong with me? He was my friend. If he ever found out, what would he think? Would he be disgusted? Would he push me away? I felt compelled to tell him but I wasn’t sure I could. I had no frame of reference to make any kind of sound decision and I was so afraid of ruining everything.

Shaking my head as I attempted to shake off the self-doubt, I looked out over the village. I’d become a better person because of Naruto. He’d shown me that there was another path that I never would have considered myself. My continued existence no longer depended on ending the existence of others. Instead, I’d sought out acceptance where there had been none and managed to find my place. Without Naruto, I’m not sure that would have been possible for me. 

“There you are, Gaara. I wondered where you’d snuck off to.”

I didn’t turn when I heard Kankuro’s voice behind me. He’d made no attempt to hide his presence but that wouldn’t have mattered. I’d gotten much better at sensing when others were near me. Aside from finding my own sense of self-worth, I had started working on finding less destructive uses for my sand. Now I always surrounded myself with a cloud of fine particles soaked in my own chakra that were invisible to the eye. I could feel the presence of any people around me without needing to physically see them.

“Sneaking implies ulterior motive,” I said. “I just needed five minutes that weren’t filled with paperwork, petitions, or political maneuvering.”

Kankuro came to stand beside me to take in the view. “Long day?” 

“I’ve had worse.” Even my worst day now would be better than a good day from the past. But then again, there really was no comparison between now and then because it was so different. We stood in easy silence for a few minutes and I was glad that my brother knew when I wasn’t in the mood for conversation. Of course, that didn’t stop him from prodding anyway. He’d never gotten the chance to give me a hard time when we were kids and he seemed to enjoy making up for it now. I could tell that he was grinning without even looking at him.

“You know, little brother,” he said conversationally. “If you keep dodging your Anbu guards and making it look so easy, you’re going to hurt their feelings.” 

“I’m just giving them a challenge.” If they couldn’t keep up with me when I wasn‘t even trying hard, could they really call themselves Anbu?

“Seriously though,” he said. “They could get good enough that you might not be able to see them anymore. Wouldn’t it be better to humor them enough so that you still know where they are?”

There was no real rebuke in his tone. We both had the same opinion of the watchers the council continued set on me. The Anbu followed me around and attempted to remain hidden while reporting on my activities. I knew exactly where they were and pretended I was unaware. No one could escape the reach of my sand but the heightened awareness was an ability that I’d kept to myself so far, even from Kankuro and Temari. I didn’t want them to know that I could slip away so easily. I had sought out the position of Kazekage and had no regrets in embracing everything that came with it including the restriction of my freedom. But even I had my limits. I sighed again as I suddenly wished for solitude.

“My next appointment isn’t for another hour. I think the village can survive without me for a little while longer.” 

“Actually you‘ve got three hours before you have to suck up to another dignitary.” There was that grin again. I think it amused Kankuro to see me play the politician. And perhaps he was glad that he didn’t often have to do it himself. As the head of my personal security, he could get away with quite a bit in terms of lack of decorum as long as he didn’t push the boundaries of rudeness too far. He took after our sensei Baki more than the rest of us. Kankuro chuckled quietly. “You lucked out and the ambassador canceled. I think he’s having trouble with the heat again.”

Said ambassador was from the Land of Snow and he’d been incredibly uncomfortable since he arrived. But he couldn’t really be blamed. Even some of the more tolerant members of the village seemed to be wilting lately. “See if Temari can fit him in early tomorrow morning before the sun rises. The temperature shouldn’t too bad then.”

“Awww. Don’t send me to make her play secretary. The swelling has just gone down.” The obvious whine in his voice made my lips twitch again. Our sister wasn’t fond of administrative duties and took out her frustration on Kankuro in the guise of training exercises. 

“You’ll figure something out.” My smile turned into a small smirk. “While you‘re at it, why don‘t you ask her to talk to the Wind Lord‘s envoy after she‘s finished with that. I hear that he‘s complaining about his accommodations again.”

Kankuro frowned, making the patterns of his makeup shift as his lip curled. “Oh, joy.”

“And there’s the matter of. . .”

“Alright, now you’re just being mean.” He shook his head and started to walk away without letting me finish. Not that I really expected him to do any of those things except reschedule the appointment and I knew he’d do that himself. He wasn’t the only one who enjoyed giving their siblings a hard time. I turned to watch him go and saw him stop in his tracks.

“Kazekage-sama.” A messenger stood in the doorway breathing heavily with sweat dripping down his face. It looked like he’d run all the way up here. “A sealed letter just arrived for you,” he panted.

My face remained relatively expressionless as I went over and held out my hand. I could see the Leaf seal on the scroll and for some reason, I had a sudden bad feeling. The message was probably just a finalization of the itinerary for my trip. Nothing to worry about. But I couldn’t quite shake the apprehension. Letting out a small pulse of chakra from my fingers, I broke the special seal. Since the Akatsuki had made themselves openly known, new security measures had been put into place including document seals that only responded to the intended recipient. And that was often on top of the usual encrypted script within. 

I unfurled the parchment and scanned the contents. Tsunade’s writing always looked she was slightly inebriated when she put ink to paper which usually amused me. But I was in no mood for humor now. The Hokage was a forceful and aggressive woman who didn’t often dance around a subject she wanted to discuss. But the strangely innocuous message was very chatty which wasn’t like her. The letter itself wasn’t encoded so perhaps she was being evasive on purpose but I wasn’t sure why yet.

She went on about my upcoming visit and how she was looking forward to seeing me in person and strengthening the ties between our two lands. That in and of itself worried me. In terms of political savvy, the woman was no fool but she never pandered to diplomats and was often very blunt in the way she spoke. This spill of flowery politeness set my teeth on edge. Something was wrong. When she mentioned Naruto, my stomach dropped. Had something happened? I read on and tried not to jump to conclusions.

In anticipation of my arrival, Tsunade had done her best to keep Naruto relatively close to home so he’d be there when I got to Konoha. But again, she was being evasive in the message. I had to go through it a couple of times to read between the lines. Apparently, he’d been sent out on a simple mission and should have been back more than a week ago. He’d completed his task and the contract had been paid in full by a happy client but he never made it back to Konoha. 

She tried to be casual about it and asked if I’d seen him. Her theory was that Naruto had probably gotten fed up with all the low ranking missions she’d been giving him recently and taken off in a huff. It wasn’t totally out of character for him and under normal circumstances, I might have thought the same. Her hope was that he’d snuck off to come see me but even though she didn’t come out and say it in the letter, she was worried that something might have happened to him. 

My stomach did a painful flip as I considered the possibilities while frustration and anger bubbled up from below. Why had he been sent out on a mission alone without backup? Even if it was simple, he shouldn’t have left the village by himself. Not when he was target. The edges of the scroll crumpled as my fingers tightened.

“What is it?” Kankuro could always tell when my mood shifted. He came back over towards me but refrained from leaning in and reading over my shoulder like he would have done otherwise.

“Call a meeting of the security council. I want Anbu representatives there as well.” 

Kankuro nodded sharply once and disappeared from the rooftop. If it were a subject of no consequence and it was just the two of us, he liked to argue just for the sake of arguing. But when it was important, my brother supported me without question. I dismissed the messenger and headed back to my office.

Sometimes politics and diplomacy made things so much more difficult. The Hokage hadn’t officially asked for Suna’s help and I couldn’t just send out patrols with the sole purpose of searching for Naruto. Suna’s strength had become much more stable recently but we still had to deal with the Wind Lord. Ignoring that fact would only cause trouble. My father had been frustrated with how the military had been downsized and tried to go around the chain of command by forming an alliance with Orochimaru and the Sound Village. We’d all been deceived into attacking the Leaf in a bid to gain power. In the end it had cost my father his life and nearly brought Suna to ruin. I was not going to make the same mistake.

So I’d play by the rules and wouldn’t stretch beyond my means or position. But that didn’t mean that I couldn’t gather as much information as I could. If Naruto had been taken down or captured, his opponent had to be formidable. He was the strongest person I knew with stamina that was unmatched. The list of people who could beat him was very short and I couldn’t help but consider the Akatsuki as a possibility. If they had him, it would be very bad. But the Akatsuki threatened everyone and I wouldn’t be out of line in sending out teams to gather information. And if they happened to find the wayward blonde somewhere along on the way, it would be to everyone’s benefit. 

Outwardly, I probably appeared as calm as ever. It was rare for me to show any sort of temper openly now that I‘d become more stable. But inside I was raging. I don’t remember much about what happened after I was captured by the Akatsuki. There had only been a distant sensation of fading into nothingness. With the help of Granny Chiyo, Naruto had been the one to pull me from the darkness. Literally. But if the Akatsuki took Kyuubi from him there would be no one to bring him back. And it would be worse for him because they would have to beat him down within an inch of his life just to capture him in the first place. He would fight until the very end to the point of gong beyond his limit. The thought of the pain that he would suffer before they finally brought him down was almost more than I could bear.

When I stepped into my office, Temari looked up from where she was straightening a stack of papers on my desk. A slight frown marred her face as she looked at me. “Is something wrong?” She usually had more trouble reading me than Kankuro but she knew I was bothered.

“I’ve called a security meeting. Everyone should be gathering in the council hall in fifteen minutes.”

She stood up straight as her attention sharpened. “The Akatsuki?”

It shouldn’t have surprised me that she guessed the train of my thoughts. Others would most likely guess the same but I think she understood just from the tone of my voice. There were few things that bothered me as much as the Akatsuki did. But it was the fact that Naruto was missing that really upset me. Taking a deep breath, I tried to reign in my emotions. Letting them control me wouldn’t help and they would probably just create more problems.

“What can I do?” Temari asked.

“Get me copies of all the latest border patrol reports. I want to know who’s been coming and going.” Baki usually took care of that but I wanted to see for myself. I knew he wouldn’t take it personally. “But take care of that after the meeting. I want you there.” My tone had become calm again as I regained a semblance of control. I was the Kazekage and I could handle this. But even though I was momentarily settled, a stray thought drifted across my mind at how easy it had been for all those emotions to surface. That had never been an issue for me before. I’d have to be careful as I proceeded further. 

The seats at the council table were mostly full when I arrived. At my entrance, everyone stood. In the beginning it had taken some getting used to but now I took it in stride as I headed to my seat. I sat stiffly and looked at every face around the table before giving a brief explanation of what I wanted. Security would be tightened around the village and any sighting of the Akatsuki would be reported and recorded. Not that we weren’t already doing that but I wanted to drive the point home. We had nothing that the Akatsuki wanted since they’d already taken the Shukaku but that wouldn‘t stop them from stirring up unrest. And this wasn’t just for Suna’s sake. I had to find Naruto.

“What‘s the situation?” Baki asked me. I knew there would be no way to get around explaining my motivations, especially with him. He’d almost gotten as good at reading me as my siblings had. He was also the least likely to balk at making direct demands of me without being extremely careful about it. Back when I’d graduated from the academy, Baki had been the only one who dared take me on as a student. 

“I received a letter from Konoha today. Naruto has not returned home from his latest mission. He should have been back more than a week ago.” I could see the speculation starting already. There were a mix of expressions around the table ranging from disinterest to outright anger. I could hear a few murmurs from the older members about other villages not being able to take care of themselves. Some were openly distressed at the thought of the Akatsuki claiming the nine tails. Only Temari and Kankuro looked genuinely worried and I knew it was for Naruto himself and not the threat Kyuubi posed. Baki was guarded as always but there was calculation in his gaze.

“It could be nothing,” Baki said quietly. That wasn‘t what I wanted to hear but it was a possibility I had to consider. I tried not to let my impatience show. 

“It’s in our best interest to remain alert regardless of his actual whereabouts.” 

Baki regarded me carefully before nodding. “Finding Uzumaki will ensure that he stays out of Akatsuki hands and will win favor with our allies.” There was no response from the council besides a few wise nods from those who wished they’d thought of it first. Baki turned to the Anbu representative who stood slightly to one side and made a small gesture. The Anbu disappeared in a puff of smoke.

I didn’t honestly think I’d be able to hide any of my motivations and I hadn’t really tried. They just happened to coincide with the village’s interests at the moment. We wouldn’t be expending resources on a search that would normally be considered a personal indulgence. 

Another council member spoke. “How will this affect your trip to Konoha?”

“It won’t,” I answered immediately. “I have no intention of canceling or even postponing the trip.” 

Baki thrummed his fingers on the table in thought. “The route will be adjusted and your party will leave a day early.”

That was good. Now that I was Kazekage, I didn’t often leave the village anymore. This would give me a chance to search myself if only in a limited capacity. And the extra day would allow me to spend more time looking while still arriving on schedule. 

I turned to Temari. “Adjust my schedule accordingly. Before I leave, I’ll meet with those who have business that cannot be postponed. All others will have to wait until I return.”

She nodded. “Of course.” She could be extremely difficult on a good day but like Kankuro, she rarely argued when it was important.

I looked back around the table. “Unless there is anything else, we’ll adjourn for now.” Waiting a beat to make sure there was nothing, I rose and headed from the room. Baki walked beside me with Kankuro and Temari following close behind. 

“That was well done,” Baki murmured.

“How so?” I think I had an idea but I wanted him to tell me. 

“Setting searches for Uzumaki without officially stepping on Konoha’s toes. I just have one word of advice.”

“Hmmm.”

“I’ll give the new route consideration. Just don’t spend so much time traveling that you get there after you’re expected.” In other words, don’t spend so much time searching that I was late in getting to Konoha. I’d thought about that myself. I knew I probably wouldn’t find him but I couldn’t sit and do nothing. That was probably one of the most frustrating things about my position. I depended on those around me to do what I needed when there were times when I just wanted to do it myself. 

“I know my limits.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about. The great nations are in a precarious position right now and the balance is tenuous. Regardless of what you do, it could be perceived as preemptive action for going to war.” He didn’t need to remind me of this, I was well aware of how things were right now.

“I won’t do anything to upset that balance. I’m young but not so inexperienced that I’d do something to endanger Suna or the Wind Nation.” I set my jaw and turned my head to look at him. “Naruto is not a military asset and I will never treat him as such.” I had always resented being considered nothing more than a weapon. It angered me that Naruto was often treated the same way by those who didn’t know him.

“I never thought that you’d let your emotions get the best of you. You’ve always been the most level-headed,” Baki murmured thoughtfully. “Just be careful.” With that, he headed off down a side corridor.

I stopped and watched him go for a few moments. Was it that obvious? I was doing my best to keep my feelings in check but apparently they were seeping through anyway. My lips twitched in annoyance as I continued on to my office. But I guess it was true that I was usually more subdued now that I was no longer an emotional time bomb. Kankuro and Temari followed me quietly through the office door. Once seated at my desk, I started sorting the piles of papers in order of importance. Kankuro leaned against the wall by one of the windows beside me.

“He’s right. It could be nothing.”

“And I hope it is,” I replied without looking up. I wanted nothing more than for Naruto to be sucking down ramen in some shop somewhere. Or maybe soaking in a hot spring with Jiraiya as his sensei tried to peak into the women’s bath. But I wasn’t counting on either of those things. I wanted to be prepared for the worst just in case.


	2. Chapter 2

Everything was ready for my trip to Konoha. As I finished packing and flipped the flap of my bag closed, I realized that all I had left to do was meet up with my escort. I’d been eager to go but now I suddenly had doubts. Should I postpone or cancel? What if Naruto showed up in Suna while I was gone? There had been no more news about him since I’d received the letter and my nerves were slightly frazzled. On a rational level, I recognized that worry wouldn’t help but it did nothing to quell my uneasiness. It really could be nothing. But the hollow feeling in my gut refused to go away and I found myself staring out the nearest window more often than not lately. As if I could find him just by looking hard enough. 

Kankuro‘s voice from the doorway drew me out of my thoughts. “Gaara, are you ready?” 

“Yes.” I looked to see him frowning at me and I had to suppress a sigh. “It’s not that I don’t want you to come with me. I need you here.”

“I know that.”

And I knew he did. I had always intended to bring Temari while leaving Kankuro at home to keep an eye on things and he was aware of that. Our sister also had someone she cared about that she didn’t get to see often. Of course, she’d deny it if anybody asked. As would her significant other. Her relationship with Shikamaru was subdued in public and they were always very guarded about their privacy. But it had been quite a while since she’d seen him and I didn’t want to take this away from her. I’d already taken enough away when we were younger.

“Gaara, whatever it is you’re beating yourself up for, cut it out.” My brother had crossed his arms over his chest and was giving me a hard look. He didn’t blame me for anything I’d done when I was younger and he never let me get away with emotional self-abuse. For a few moments, I stared back at him silently. 

“I will be fine.”

“Of course you will. I’m not worried about that.” 

Maybe not but he was worried about something. I just wasn’t sure what it was and I didn’t want to leave him if there was a problem. “Are you going to tell me what’s bothering you or are you going to glare at everyone until I return?”

Kankuro blinked for a moment and it seemed that he hadn’t realized how intense his expression had become. Unfortunately, my lame attempt at jesting didn’t lighten the mood at all. He let his arms drop and huffed a breath. “I never wanted to feel this again.”

“What?”

“This worry. I want to do something but I know there’s nothing I can do.” He waved his hands helplessly as he tried to express his thoughts before his eyes flicked away. “When you were taken. . .it was the same thing. I know it’s stupid, but I’m worried that when you walk out the gates. . .you might not come back again.” 

He looked thoroughly miserable and I wasn’t quite sure what to do about it. I knew he didn’t like it when I left without him but I’d never realized how strong his feelings were. And on top of his anxiety over me, I knew my brother was also worried about Naruto. He’d always been quite fond of the blonde since we‘d first met him at the Chunin Exams. But before I could say anything to attempt to put him at ease, he shook himself and looked back up at me. There was a steely look in his eye that I wasn’t sure of.

“If you do anything stupid to put yourself at risk, I’ll kick your ass when you get home.” 

That made my lips twitch and lifted a weight off of me that I hadn’t realized was there. “I’ll do my best to restrain myself.”

“You’d better,” he muttered as I shouldered my gourd and pack.

Temari met us in the hallway and eyed us both for a moment before raising her brows slightly. “Are you two done having your girl moment?” she asked with a smirk.  
Kankuro scowled at her. “And how would you even recognize one of those?” he asked.

Temari’s eyes narrowed and her fingers fluttered dangerously over the edge of her fan. “You’re just lucky we have a schedule to keep. I feel the sudden urge for a training exercise.” 

I felt a smile pulling at my lips that might have looked rather inappropriate if the situation was taken out of context. Temari hadn’t made the comment because she didn’t care. I knew it was more to redirect our brother’s thoughts and distract him because she knew he was worried. And from the looks of things, it seemed to be working pretty well. They both sent each other dirty looks for a few brief moments before finally noticing that I was still standing with them.

“Are you two done?” I asked innocently. My siblings both cleared their throats and looked away like guilty children. I reached out and squeezed Kankuro’s shoulder which made him blink at me again. It wasn’t often that I openly showed affection of any kind but it felt right. “I’ll be back in less than two weeks.”

He nodded silently before following us outside to where the rest of my honor guard was waiting. I was taking five other people with me to Konoha including Temari. It was a fine balance I had to maintain. I couldn’t travel alone but I couldn’t bring so many people that it was misconstrued as an invasion force of any kind. They all stood at attention when I came outside and when I looked them over, I felt a swell of pride. And a just a bit of awe. 

Sometimes my position and the loyalty of my people struck me at odd moments, like I expected everything to go back to the way it was when I was feared and despised. But then things would snap back into place and all would be right again. Several members of the council had come to see me off. They seemed to be suffering from a mix of feelings ranging from relief to anxiety. But at least they weren‘t openly hostile.

Baki stood to one side with a shrewd look on his face. “Everything is ready for your departure, Kazekage-sama.” 

I nodded and looked at everyone again. I didn’t feel the need to make any sort of speech before we left. They all knew what the mission was about, including my search for Naruto. “Let’s go,” was all I said before I took off for the gates, knowing they would all follow.

The wind was brisk across the sands. The sun wasn’t quite up yet and it the relative chill of the night still lingered in the air. But it would be warm soon enough. As we traveled, I expanded my awareness and cast out my sand in all directions. I’d been practicing for a long time to balance my control so that I could detect others within the range of my chakra without exhausting myself. Grains of my own sand were now mixed into the dunes around us. When I’d started the training it had been a little disorienting but it had gotten easier to handle over time. I could sense dead zones in the sand where rocks took up space beneath the surface. But the desert was far from barren and I could also feel the presences of small animals and the various plants that survived in the arid climate.

It was most likely a waste of my chakra to be doing this but I couldn’t do anything else. I needed to look, to use every ounce of effort I could muster to find my friend even if nothing would come of it. It made me feel a little better to see every member of my team scanning the area with just as much concentration as myself. We were taking a more southerly route towards the Land of Fire and avoiding the main roads. Those were well traveled and monitored so if Naruto was heading that way, he would be found easily. This way, we could expand our search.

But after traveling for more than seven hours, we hadn’t found anything. I had enough determination to keep going but there was part of me that was disappointed just the same. The struggle not to let the feeling grow until it drowned me was difficult. It was during this moment of mild despair that I felt a slight disturbance in the surrounding area. I slowed my pace and fell slightly behind for a moment before I came to complete stop. My escort also stopped and looked around expectantly before settling their gazes on me. They didn’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary but that wasn’t surprising because I barely felt anything myself. 

Maybe it was my imagination. I wanted so badly to find Naruto that it was entirely possible that my mind was playing tricks on me. Shoving aside my self doubt, I concentrated my focus and closed my eyes. They snapped back open immediately when I felt the brush of something painfully familiar. That was definitely not my imagination. I dashed off in the direction of the disturbance that caught my attention. It made both my hope and worry rise simultaneously. I would recognized that chakra anywhere but it was so terribly low that it was amazing I noticed it at all.

There, over the next dune amongst an outcropping of rocks, was the subject of my search. Naruto. I never would have given the spot a second glance if I hadn’t been using my other senses. My breath caught in my throat and it became difficult to breathe when I saw him. If it wasn’t for the whisper of Naruto’s chakra, I would have thought he was dead just from looking at him. He was shirtless and barefoot and half buried face down in the sand. I felt a clenching pain in my chest and resisted the urge to clutch at the fabric over my heart as I ran to his side. I barely registered the presence of the others as they joined me. 

Tentatively reaching out a hand, I touched Naruto’s badly sunburned shoulder. His hair was dusty with sand, the normally bright gold dull and lifeless. What had happened to him? As I gently turned him onto his back, I gingerly touched his throat. Naruto’s pulse was rapid and soft as it fluttered against my fingertips. The team medic knelt on his other side and held out her hands. The rise of her chakra began to glow as she used her medical ninjutsu to check him for injuries. Her brow furrowed as her hands glided down his torso.

“There are no immediate physical injuries that I can detect but he’s very weak.” A small huff left her. “It could be genjutsu but it’s like nothing I’ve ever encountered. I’m not sure what I can do here.” Her lips thinned as she looked at me, her expression grave. “Whatever it is, I don’t think we have much time. It feels like he‘s fading somehow.”

My heart sank even as my adrenaline began to surge. Not much time. It was clear that Naruto needed a hospital and we were closer to Suna than Konoha. But traveling with an injured man would make the journey take even longer. I wasn’t sure if we had hours. While there were no apparent physical injuries, it could still be dangerous to move him too much since we didn’t know what was wrong. But I could do something about that. It seemed I was going to risk Kankuro’s ire despite his warning. I glanced briefly at Temari and saw her frowning like she knew I was going to do something rash. 

“Follow as quickly as you can,” I said.

Her eyes widened briefly when she realized what I was about to do. “Gaara. . .”

But I wasn’t listening. I gathered my chakra and pulled on the sand around me as I raised a wave of granular earth beneath myself and Naruto. The medic gasped and fell back with wide eyes. I would have taken her with us if she’d stayed still but I was in too much of a hurry to go back for her as I headed back toward Suna. There were still many people who were nervous about my abilities and it was probably just as well that I was leaving her behind. Of course, those were secondary thoughts. My focus was solely on Naruto. 

He hadn’t moved since I’d found him and his chakra levels remained low. As I continued to travel, I could feel his energy level waning and I began to worry that Kyuubi would emerge in his state of weakness. But that was also a relatively secondary thought at the moment. Naruto’s life was so much more important than anything else. I couldn’t lose him. There was just no way. Despite the unstable nature of the world right now, my life was starting to get better. I wanted him to be a part of it. I needed him to be a part of it.

Naruto was strong and resilient and didn’t deserve to die like this. He’d suffered the same as me and I knew how hard his childhood had been. Perhaps it had been worse for him because he’d been absolutely alone. He hadn’t been feared the same way that I was and the villagers hadn’t even bothered to feign politeness in his presence. His young life had been full of open hostility from the people who should have been taking care of him. For him to die here like this just wasn’t fair. The thoughts kept rolling over and over in my head as I continued to race toward home. 

By the time the gates of Suna came into view, I was breathing heavy and I was functioning on sheer determination alone. I was fighting the trembling fatigue in my limbs but I refused to give in. This wasn’t just about me and I couldn’t let myself rest until I’d done everything I could to help Naruto. Drawing on the last of my reserves, I rode the sand up over the cliffs surrounding the village and landed right in front of the hospital. Medics came spilling outside with wide-eyed looks as they took in my appearance. 

“Gaara!”

I heard Kankuro yelling my name from a distance somewhere behind me but I didn’t have the energy to turn around. My eyes were locked on Naruto who was being loaded carefully onto a stretcher. The medics carried him inside as my brother skidded to stop beside me. He’d probably seen me coming from a distance and ran all the way here when he saw where I was going.

“Gaara, what happened?” Kankuro rested his hand on my shoulder and the weight was nearly enough to bring me to my knees. It seemed that my strength had finally given out now that I’d accomplished what I’d set out to do. Kankuro slung my arm across his shoulders and wrapped a supporting arm around my waist as he helped me inside. My chakra had all but bottomed out and it was getting harder to draw in every breath. I didn’t want to appear weak but taking a single step on my own was out of the question at the moment.

“Just a little further,” Kankuro murmured as he guided me into the emergency ward and sat me down on a bed. I could see a flurry of activity in the corner where Naruto lay surrounded by medical personnel as they tried to assess his condition. I watched with half lidded eyes as I tried remain conscious. I couldn’t afford to pass out now that I’d gotten this far and I tried to sit up a little straighter as one of the nurses came over and placed her hand on my forehead.

“You’re nearly at your limit,” she said quietly. 

I flicked my eyes up to meet her level gaze and I had to give her credit for not flinching. “I’m fine,” I said.

She narrowed her own eyes a little but eventually relented and wandered away. My own condition couldn’t be that bad. Judging by the look in her eyes, if it was really serious, I don’t think she would have been put off that easily. Not that I’d get away with being left completely on my own. Kankuro was sitting next to me on the gurney close enough that our shoulders were touching. 

“It seems like an ass kicking is headed your way,” he said after a few moments. But he made no move to make good on his threat which was too bad since I could have used the distraction just about then. I was blaming myself for not finding him sooner and the thoughts were making me ill. My head snapped up as the doctors began wheeling Naruto out of the room. A couple of them sent nervous glances my way but the nurse who’d checked on me was made of sterner stuff. She came over without hesitation. 

“He’s being taken to one of the treatment rooms. His chakra is unstable and terribly low.” Her lips firmed as if she didn’t like the taste of the words. “We need to keep careful watch in case the nine-tails emerges.”

This was nothing that I wasn’t already aware of. I knew there was the danger of Naruto’s beast rising while his own strength was so low. But instead of saying so, I merely nodded and reached into my pocket to touch the paper seal that I’d been carrying for some time. Jiraiya had given it to me a while ago as a means of subduing Kyuubi’s demon power should the need arise. So far, Naruto had been more than capable of handling himself and it hadn’t been necessary to use it. But if the time came, I would be there just in case.

Thirty minutes later, I was sitting on a bench outside the treatment room trying not to obsess about what might be happening inside. I was leaning forward with my forearms braced on my knees staring on the floor. I sat up when I saw Kankuro coming down the hall. He sat beside me and set the tray he was carrying down on the bench between us before handing me the bowl of soup he’d brought. I took it wordlessly and ate without tasting it. I wasn’t hungry but food was important to regain my energy. Sleep would be better but I doubted that would be possible for me right now. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was Naruto’s almost lifeless body. 

I looked over when Kankuro poured me a cup of tea from the pot on the tray. I could smell the scent of one of Temari’s healing blends. Recently, my siblings seemed intent upon making up for the mothering I’d never received as a child. They’d supported me ever since I’d made a change for the better when we’d returned from the Chunin Exams. But it wasn’t until I’d returned home after being taken by the Akatsuki that I realized how much they really cared about me. I think they’d always cared but had been too afraid to show it. 

When I came home from the hospital after returning from the dead, the three of us were finally alone for the first time since Naruto had brought me back to Suna. We were all standing awkwardly in my room staring at each other. My desire to be alone was battling with the tentative enjoyment of the newfound sense of protective sibling care that they were showing me. But none of us knew what to say. Finally after a few moments of quiet, Temari suddenly pulled me close into a tight hug. I was so stunned that I stood almost painfully still, unsure of what to do. And before I could decide on a course of action, Kankuro came in close on my other side. They held me between them and the warmth of the connection we’d never been able to make before was nearly overwhelming. 

“I’m glad you’re home,” Temari had whispered into my ear before moving away. She swiped quickly at her watery eyes as she hurried from the room. Kankuro gripped my shoulder and ran his hand down my arm before he too headed toward the door. I could see that his makeup had started to run. I don’t think I really understood until that moment how much they really loved me. When the door closed and I was alone, I sank down to the floor, buried my face in my hands and wept from the sheer weight of the emotions I was feeling.

Pulling myself from the memory, I set down the empty soup bowl and took the tea cup Kankuro held out to me so I could stare down at the amber liquid within. My brother and sister had done so much for me and sometimes I wondered why. Their own childhoods had been ruined because of me. They’d grown up in fear. Fear of our father, of disobeying him and trying to get close to me when he’d told them to stay away. And fear of me. They’d had no way of knowing when I might decide to validate my own existence by ending theirs. I’d even taken our mother away just by being born.

“You’re doing it again.” Kankuro was watching me with a raised brow. He wore no hood or makeup and his naked expression was unimpressed. Most likely, he knew what I was thinking. “Do you honest think that torturing yourself will make things any better?”

“What else am I supposed to do?” I asked dully.

“You’ve already done it. You found him when nobody believed he was really missing. He’ll survive. He always does.” That was true. Naruto was a survivor. No matter how injured he managed to become, he always recovered in record time. It was mostly due to the Kyuubi’s chakra which bolstered his stamina but it was also his unwavering determination that always kept him going.

The door to the treatment room opened and Baki stepped out. His expression was grave but that was hardly an indication of anything. He always looked like war was about to break out at any moment. 

Kankuro straightened up next to me. “Anything?” We hadn’t been told much since Naruto had been brought in.

Baki took a breath and seemed to be deciding what to say. “If he were an ordinary person, he would be dead.” 

I hadn’t expected him to be cheerful about it but that didn’t mean I wanted to hear what he had to say. “Have they learned anything?” I asked him.

“Nearly every bone in his body has been broken recently. And it’s not the jagged cracks you’d expect from battle or injury. They’re clean, methodical breaks made with intent. With his recuperative powers there’s no way to tell what kind of soft tissue damage he may have suffered. If it wasn‘t for his incredible stamina, he wouldn‘t have been able to move at all.”

I listened to the list of injuries and felt my anger rising. This didn’t sound like the Akatsuki. If they were the ones who had taken him, it would have been by force and the damage would show it. So far, they’d shown no signs that they practiced that kind of carefully planned torture.

“He’s stabilized for the time being,” Baki continued. “But his chakra is still low. The seal is intact and the nine tails’ power seems to be healing him but that’s rather subdued as well. It’s almost as if it’s been sealed on the inside somehow.” He looked at me with speculation. “Where did you find him exactly?”

“A little over seven hours out from the village,” I said. Both of them were staring at me and it took me a minute to figure out why. I’d been traveling for hours when I found Naruto but after looking at the clock on the wall, I realized I’d made it back in less than half that time. At full speed, it would be almost another three hours before Tamari and the rest of my escort arrived. It was no wonder I was exhausted. 

Rubbing at my temple, I tried to think about the details of the area where I’d found Naruto. I’d been so focused on rescuing him that I hadn’t really noticed much. But something about it did stick out in my mind. If Naruto had escaped from his captors, why hadn’t he tried to get home? From the way he’d been lying in the sand, it looked like he’d been running to Suna. In his condition he must have been beyond exhausted and not thinking clearly. His unconscious instincts should have taken him straight to Konoha.

Unless that’s where he was running from.

I felt a sudden chill. There were some people in the Leaf who didn’t think well of Naruto and had enough power to make his life very difficult. They felt he was dangerous and should be kept on a much shorter leash. But would they really go so far as to imprison and torture him? I knew there were political machinations that I was still unaware of and I just wasn’t sure how far they would go. The only thing I really knew was that Tsunade would never approve and would fight to prevent it. She was outspoken and rather vicious when provoked but she had a soft spot for Naruto. But while she was the Hokage and the leader of the Leaf village, her power was not completely absolute. For that matter, neither was my own. I immediately started to regret sending the letter to Konoha telling them that Naruto had been found. 

When I’d learned that he was a target, I’d vowed that I would give my life to protect him if necessary. And I would still do that even if it meant protecting him from his own people. He was safe here and I would make sure that he stayed that way. It was possible that I could be leaping to conclusions but I was not going to take any risks.

“No one gets into see him without my permission,” I said, my voice low. I saw Kankuro’s eyes flick towards me and his expression was guarded. My tone didn’t often get that cold unless my stability was wavering but that wasn’t the case now. Baki merely nodded and spoke to one of the Anbu who suddenly appeared at his side and disappeared just a quickly. 

I stood up and went into the treatment room. I’d been doing my best to stay out of the way but I needed to see him. The medics retreated into the background at my approach. Naruto lay on the hospital bed hooked up to an IV and a heart monitor. He was breathing well enough on his own but I could feel how low his chakra was. His badly chapped lips glistened with salve and the reddened skin of his shoulders seemed harsh against the clean, white sheets. The burns were already peeling and they would most likely be gone by morning. He’d been bathed and his hair washed but the golden strands still looked dull. The shadows around his eyes were nearly as dark as mine.

My beautiful Naruto. I was too tired and worried to be surprised by how natural those three words felt as I brushed a few limp strands of hair from his forehead. I wanted to see those vivid blue eyes open again, to see humor sparking in their sapphire depths. He would survive this like he’d survived everything else in his life and I’d do everything in my power to help him. I’d just have to deal with the rest of my feelings later when circumstances weren’t quite so dire.


	3. Chapter 3

I was sitting in the chair that someone had pulled up next to Naruto’s bed for me. It had been an hour since I’d come in here and nothing had changed. He was still unconscious and I was no closer to figuring out what to do with what I was feeling. My hands were clenched tightly in my lap to resist the urge to touch him. I really wanted to but at the same time it didn’t seem quite right. There was also a thread of guilt that I wanted him conscious just so I could sort out my emotions instead of wanting him to be healthy.

I was glad that we were alone for the moment so no one could see me teetering on the edge. Now that Naruto had been stabilized, the doctors were keeping their distance. I wanted him to wake up so badly. If there were some magical way that I could fix this, I would do it in a heartbeat. My breath caught and my eyes widened as Naruto shifted on the bed. There were many things in the world that I knew were beyond my understanding but I was under no illusions that I really had the power to help him just by wishing. On the other hand, I wasn’t going to argue if his condition suddenly improved. Leaning forward, I braced my hand on the bed.

“Naruto?” It came out as a whisper. 

The blonde’s eyes snapped open suddenly and when they focused on me, my heart nearly stopped. There was no fathomless, sapphire blue. The gaze that pinned me in my seat was blood red and filled with a malicious calculation that Naruto was not capable of displaying. Before I could reach to grasp the seal in my pocket, his hand clamped onto mine with a strength that had me gritting my teeth in pain. 

The voice that spoke to me was low with an echoing undertone that made the hair on the back of my neck rise. “I can sense the seal you carry with you. For his sake, do not use it.” 

This was not Naruto. I had never spoken directly to Kyuubi or even seen the blonde when he’d been overtaken by his demonic chakra. But there was no doubt in my mind that I was seeing the nine tails manifesting now. To my knowledge, the fox had not possessed him in such a way before and I began to worry all over again. Those eyes watched me warily and seemed relatively satisfied with what they saw but the grip on me didn’t loosen.

“Your skills are required.”

“What have you done to him?” I wasn’t sure how Kyuubi had taken over Naruto’s body but as soon as I was able, I was going to seal the demon away where it belonged.

“I have merely kept him alive.” Those red, slitted eyes narrowed. “Keep in mind that he would have died a dozen times over these last few days if it had not been for me.” 

“What do you want?” I was unsure what skills he thought I possessed that were needed but I wasn’t about to give in just because he made demands. I didn’t know what had happened to Naruto while he’d been missing or why the fox was speaking through him now. 

“He will not wake on his own I am unable to reach him.”

A frown creased my brow. I had no way of knowing if Kyuubi was being honest or not but he seemed strangely sincere. “What am I supposed to do?” 

“You must enter his mind.” The fox peered out of Naruto’s eyes expectantly like I would be able to fix everything by snapping my fingers.

“I don’t have that kind of power.” Genjutsu and mental spells were not among my strengths.

“I will allow you entry. The rest will be up to you. You must break the cycle of pain where he is currently trapped.” 

“What happened to him?”

“Only he can tell you. You must wake him to find out.”

“And what would you gain from this?” I was sure the nine tails had his own motivations for this and there was no way I was going to trust him. Not completely. Whenever his power had risen in the past, Naruto’s consciousness had been completely overtaken. I’d read accounts of the emergence of the demon chakra and each time the blonde had come very close to dying. It was true that he’d been almost instantly healed each time but Jiraiya had told me that it shortened his life span every time it happened. I worried that my actions might give the fox free reign or perhaps release him completely.

Kyuubi‘s eyes flashed. “Believe me when I say that I want him to wake as much as you do. I cannot function with a broken host.” Naruto’s lips twisted in a smug smirk that the blonde’s face had never worn before. “And let’s be honest. Would you really want my power in anyone else’s hands?”

I had to grudgingly admit that it was a good point. Even if Naruto had the full use of Kyuubi’s powers without fighting for control, he would never use them for his own gains or merely to destroy on a whim. He was the strongest person I knew and he had an incredible sense of empathy that guided all of his actions. I knew that there were those with few scruples and less honor that would misuse that kind power. The grip on my hand loosened and Naruto’s body let out a long sigh.

“It has taken a great deal of effort to heal this body through the seal that has been placed upon me. Even now, the breach I’ve made is starting to close. There is very little time before I’m pulled back in and trapped with him. Perhaps indefinitely.” There was a wistful regret in the voice and the expression on Naruto’s face was as open as I had ever seen it. If it was an act, it was a very good one. “As a former Jinchuriki, you are the only one who has the ability to merge with Naruto and gain entry into his mind. And he has touched your soul. No two beings can be closer than that. But I cannot force you.” The red eyes were momentarily somber and filled with distaste. Perhaps it was due to the fact that he was forced to ask for help in the first place. “It’s up to you.”

The rational part of my brain knew it was a very bad idea to trust the nine-tails. But the emotional part of me wasted no time in ignoring all of that if there was a chance to save Naruto. “Do it,” I said, my voice firm.

“Be warned. You will be entering his consciousness where you have no power.” Kyuubi narrowed his eyes again as he saw my expression. “He respects and admires your abilities but once inside, you will have no access to your own chakra.” There was frustration in his voice now. For such a powerful spirit, it must have been grating to be dependant on someone else. “We have no time to waste. Prepare yourself.”

Before he finished speaking the last word there was a twisting sense of disorientation and the room suddenly faded. Blinking rapidly, I tried to focus my eyes. The soft illumination of the treatment room had been replaced by a murky darkness and it was difficult to see. I was no longer sitting in the chair but standing in a dimly lit hallway. The steady drip of water echoed in the background and my feet were cold and wet. Several inches of standing water rippled around me.

Was this what the inside of Naruto’s mind was like? How could it be? He was so full of energy, so brightly full of life. It was such a stark contrast to what I was seeing now. The bright shining brilliance of his smile was always warm. Perhaps there was more to him than what could be seen on the outside. Looking around, I tried to sense where Naruto might be but I felt nothing. True to Kyuubi’s word, it seemed I had no power here. There was no sand for me to manipulate and I couldn’t feel my chakra at all. But I wouldn’t be able to find him just by standing here so I picked a direction and started walking.

My breath fogged lightly on the air and the cold water sloshing around my ankles made me shiver. It was as if all of the life had been drawn away from this place. But after a few minutes of walking, it started to feel the temperature starting to rise. The air against my face had a touch of warmth and I followed the sensation further down the hall. As I rounded a bend, the space opened up into a huge, darkened space. The water was deeper here and there was a reddish glow on the other side of the room. I could make out the silhouette of bars where a large pair of red eyes peered out from behind them.

“Whatever you’re going to do, make it quick.” There was a weariness to Kyuubi’s tone and his presence didn’t seem nearly as menacing as it had before. I came up to the bars and saw the great fox laying in the darkness with his tails curled around his flank.

“Where is he?” I asked. If he really wanted me to fix this, I needed to find Naruto. The fox’s eyes narrowed but he merely sighed again. The numerous tails shifted restlessly before parting to reveal Naruto where he was curled up and pressed against Kyuubi’s side. He was nude and trembling, his face scrunched up in pain. Kyuubi had said he was trapped but I didn’t realize he was literally behind bars. But as I took a good look at the cage, I realized it was designed to keep Kyuubi in. There was more than enough space for Naruto to slip out or for me to get inside. 

Just before I took those last few steps, I once again had the rational thought that it would be a very bad idea to get that close to the nine tails. Maybe he was merely waiting for the chance to find a new host. He’d said that I was the only one who could do this because I used to be a Jinchuriki myself. I wasn’t sure if that made me a more suitable host than someone who’d never carried a demon before or not.

“You can stop giving me that look,” Kyuubi rumbled. “I am bound to his soul. You need have no fear of me possessing you.”

It was a little unnerving to hear him speak my thoughts aloud. Swallowing hard, I ignored my growing apprehension and passed through the bars of the cage. The ground rose slightly here to create a small raised area that was relatively dry. I paused just inside as I took in the sight before me. Up close, Kyuubi’s posture seemed almost protective. He’d curled around Naruto’s body and was now resting his muzzle on his front paws. It was an oddly contradictory image compared to the accounts I’d read of the fox’s destructive nature. It wasn’t evil menace I was feeling right now. Just anticipation and a moderate amount of anger. The fox was watching me intently and I had the feeling that if I made one wrong move, he’d do his best to tear me apart.

Turning my gaze back to the blonde who looked thoroughly miserable and pained, I felt an ache in my chest that I had not experienced since I was a small child. It was a wound that never bled but it tore at me from the inside. But this was the first time that it hurt because of someone else’s pain.

“Naruto.” There was no response when I spoke. Kneeling down next to Naruto I reached out gently touch his shoulder. “Naru-augh.” My voice trialed off in a strangled choking sound when my fingers brushed his skin. So much pain. I felt my eyes rolling back as I was assaulted by sensations and memories that weren’t mine. 

The trees were rushing past as I traveled through the forest. A sudden cold sting at my neck spread numbness down my entire side. The sound of crashing of limbs that broke as I fell without being able to catch myself echoed through the trees. Something in my chest cracked on impact with a large branch and tore my breath away. The ground rushed up suddenly and I was sure that my neck would break. At the last moment, a cord looped around my ankles, stopping my momentum suddenly. It nearly popped my hips out of their sockets. And then there was nothing but darkness.

When I woke, I was bound tightly with my sight taken away by a blindfold and a gag filling my mouth. A kunai knife was buried deep under my ribs on my left side and it was hard to breathe because of the pain. Tight bindings cut into my wrists and ankles until they bled. Everything hurt. It was a wash of pain and torment that was unending. 

Dimly, I was aware of my sense of self, that I wasn’t really bound and gagged in the dark with every nerve on fire. Gaara. My name was Gaara. I tried to cling to the thought so I wouldn‘t drown in sensation. But what could I do? An immense feeling of helplessness overwhelmed me. I couldn’t save Naruto if I was crippled by pain. But the brief moment of clarity was washed away by another wave of agony as the knife was pulled free. More images and sensations began to blur together into an incomprehensible muddle of pain. I was trapped like Naruto was trapped but I couldn’t afford to give up. If our places were reversed he would never give up on me.

Gathering my will, I pulled myself together. As my sense of self solidified, I began to feel another presence apart from my own thoughts. It was small and fragile and the moment it noticed me, panic flared and it tried to pull away. Naruto. I reached out with my thoughts but he kept pulling further from me. I couldn’t stand to lose him. But the pain and agony started to well up again and it started to disrupt my concentration. Then it rose up suddenly and crashed down on us both, taking on an invasive, ugly edge that hadn’t been present before now. But before I could see the images that came with the sensations, Naruto began to panic all over again and pushed at me harder. He was doing his best to force me out.

“Naruto.” 

A stab of pain made me gasp but I wouldn’t let go. 

“Naruto.” 

It hurt so much it made me nauseous and it wasn’t just the memories of pain that stabbed me. The more I regained my sense of self, the more the ache my chest grew. It swelled and mixed within me until it became nearly unbearable. The gnawing ache of it was tearing me apart from the inside out. I was trapped in the cycle of Naruto’s torment and it wouldn’t end until he woke from his nightmare. Pushing with all my emotion, I reached out. 

“NARUTO! WAKE UP!”

Everything went black and there were a few moments of almost painful silence. I blinked a few times and the hospital room came suddenly into focus from where I was standing next to the bed. There was a warm trickle down my chin and the taste of iron in my mouth. I’d bitten through my bottom lip. But it was a distant feeling. I’d never realized that the absence of pain was an actual sensation. It was distracting enough that I barely noticed that the room had started to tilt. I thought I heard someone tentatively call my name as the floor rushed up and blackness swallowed me completely.

. . . . . . .

Awareness came slowly and I shifted where I lay. The sheets were clean and soft. But I didn’t remember going to bed. The dim light in the room seemed bright when I opened my eyes and glanced slowly around. It took me a moment to realize that I wasn’t in my bed. It was a hospital room.

“Gaara?” Temari was sitting at my beside with an anxious look on her face. I opened my mouth to reply but my throat felt raw and swallowing was painful. Temari handed me a glass and the cool glide of water soothed the swollen burn of it. The effort of sitting up left me strangely tired and after setting the glass aside, I lay back with a sigh. My sister was wearing that singular expression that was usually reserved for the moments when I had done something that both angered and frightened her.

“What happened?” she asked me.

What had happened? My memories were a hazy muddle of confusion that kept slipping through my grasp. But after a few moments of excruciating effort, they all came flooding back at once. My body reacted convulsively as my head swam with a wave of dizziness. I leaned suddenly over the edge of the bed and dry heaved. There wasn’t much more in my stomach than the sip of water I’d just taken and bile burned the back of my throat. A cool cloth was laid against the back of my neck, its soothing touch a blessing on my suddenly heated skin. I’d only been injured a handful of times in my entire life and I had no real tolerance for physical pain. Even the memory of someone else’s agony seemed too much for me to bear. I had no idea how Naruto coped with it on a regular basis. 

Naruto. 

I reached out and grasped Temari’s wrist. “Naruto. . .how is he?” 

“He woke up.” Her tone was unhappy and I looked up to see her pinched expression.

“What’s wrong?” I asked in alarm. Had he gotten worse? My worry rose as I struggled to sit up.

“The doctors felt a sudden spike in his chakra and they went in to check on him. You were standing next to the bed and then suddenly you fell to the floor. He. . .” She paused and wet her lips in a rare, nervous gesture. “When he saw you pass out, Naruto went a little crazy. It looked like the nine tails was emerging and they were afraid for your safety. He was just crouching over you and it didn’t like he was causing harm but he wouldn’t let anyone get near. He growled and bared his claws at everyone that tried to get close.”

I didn’t quite understand what she was telling me at first. I had no idea why Naruto would have behaved like that way. But when it hit me, I blinked in surprise. Even amidst the wash of pain and memory, Naruto had been trying to protect me. I supposed it shouldn’t have surprised me at all. Out of everyone who knew me, he’d taken my death the hardest when I’d been taken by the Akatsuki. I wanted to talk to him now, to ask him what had happened. After all that I’d seen and felt, it still wasn’t clear. 

“Where is he now?” I also wanted to tell him that I was alright and that he didn’t have to worry about me anymore.

“In the room across the hall.” Temari reached out to brace my arm when I stumbled as I got up. “Gaara, he’s okay but. . .”

“What?” I snapped. Her hesitance was starting to get on my nerves. It had been a long time since she’d been that careful around me and I didn’t like it. The last time was when I’d been much less stable and could have potentially destroyed the village with my narrow-minded selfishness.

“They were afraid of what he might do. You were unconscious and they had to get you away from him.” She paused and seemed to be trying to choose her words carefully. But under the heat of my stare, she let it out in a rush. “They sedated him and he’s been restrained.”

I’d been told once that the Konoha medics had tied Naruto to his hospital bed on more than one occasion so he could heal properly instead of rushing out to train before he was completely recovered. The story had amused me at the time but it wasn’t funny now. I couldn’t leave him like that, not after what he’d been through. The actual memories were hazy but his helplessness as he’d lain bound and alone in his captor’s hands was clear and painful in my mind. I needed to release him before he woke again.

When I finally stood, I wasn’t quite sure if my legs would hold me but I refused to go down. This was too important. Temari, realizing that I wasn’t going to stay quietly in bed, followed close at my heels while trying not to crowd me. After this, both she and Kankuro would probably refuse to leave me alone for more than five minutes but I’d put up with all of that if I could just have my Naruto back.

When I opened the door to the room across the hall, I saw one of the medics leaning over Naruto where he lay on the bed. The blonde was shifting restlessly under the blanket and it was obvious that his movements were restricted. There was a paper seal pasted over his forehead, most likely to keep Kyuubi’s power in check. It was tightly sealing in all of his power and even as weak as I felt, I could sense how it covered him like an unbreakable shell. A small whimper escaped him and I felt that ache in my chest again. My attention was drawn by the medic who was about to inject something into his IV. 

“Stop,” I said as I moved over and reached out to grasp her wrist.

The medic paused and looked up at me with a startled expression. “Kazekage-sama,” she squeaked as she flushed slightly. “Pardon me sir. But Baki ordered that he be sedated. At least until you woke.” Her expression crumpled in mild confusion. “But I guess you’re up now.”

I fought the urge to sigh as I released her. “That won’t be necessary.” Turning away and silently dismissing her, I leaned over to peel away the seal.

“B-but-” she stuttered.

I gave her a flat look and she flushed again before closing her mouth and scurrying out the door, most likely to fetch Baki or the nearest doctor. When the door closed behind her, I saw that Temari was careful to stay in the corridor to leave me alone with Naruto. Judging by the look on her face she was worried but knew me too well to get in my way. I doubted that my own expression resembled anything friendly but I didn’t care at the moment. The only person I cared about was struggling to free himself from the bed.

“Naruto,” I murmured as I finished removing the seal. At the sound of my voice, he relaxed a little and his lashes fluttered like he was trying to blink open his eyes. When the seal’s power finally broke, I felt a surge of chakra wash over me. It might have been a mistake to do this by myself when I wasn’t really at my best but I just couldn’t leave him like this. The power prickled over my skin but strangely, there was no hint of the fox. The demon always rose when Naruto’s emotions were high but all I felt was his own chakra. In the wake of the surge, Naruto’s breathing quickened and he began to panic as he tugged at the restraints. 

I pulled the blanket back and started unbuckling his wrists. There was also a strap across his chest and more buckles at his ankles. My fingers fumbled in my haste before I was able to loosen everything. When he was finally free, Naruto gasped and rolled off the other side of the bed to flounder on the floor. He was all gawky limbs and jerky movements as he tried to get as far away as possible from what he seemed to perceive as a threat. The blonde ended up backing himself into the corner, his eyes darting wildly around the room. That gorgeous blue was clouded with confusion and a touch of fear.

“Naruto,” I said again, trying to keep my voice gentle. It was all I could do to keep myself from reaching out to pull him close and hold him. But somehow I knew that would only make things worse. I watched him try to figure out if he should be on guard or not and stayed right where I was.

After a few minutes, Naruto took a few deep breaths finally let his gaze settle on me. Recognition began to glimmer in his eyes. “Gaara?” 

I didn’t really know what to say to him. Asking him how he was or what had happened would be pointless and seemed inadequate. He looked jumpy enough as it was and I didn’t want make it worse by making him relive all of it right this second. Instead of speaking, I came over and sat down cross-legged on the floor a few feet away from him. It was partly because getting any closer might make him nervous but also because my strength was starting to give out. I was exhausted and it was taking a lot of effort just to stay awake. Resting my hands loosely on my knees, I watched Naruto as he looked around the room with a slightly lost expression. 

“You’re in the hospital in Suna,” I said after a moment.

It took a moment for him to process the information and he closed his eyes before letting out a shaky sigh. I almost sounded like relief. He didn’t look much better than I felt. There were still shadows around his eyes and pinched lines around his mouth from frowning. Sighing again, he looked down and plucked at the loose pants he wore. His eyes flicked back to me and seemed to take in my appearance for the first time which was nearly identical to his own.

He frowned again but it seemed to be more from worry than distress this time. “You’re not in the hospital too, are you?” The frown softened to a look of concern. “Are you okay?”

The twinge in my chest returned and my eyes began to sting. How could he be thinking of me after what he‘d been through? “I’m fine,” I told him.  
He didn’t seem to accept that answer completely but he was still too disoriented to push the point. Naruto’s burst of panicked energy seemed to have left him and he slumped down in the corner. “What happened?” he asked quietly. 

“You don’t remember anything?” Right now I only had the vaguest recollection of what I’d felt earlier. After the rush of memory in my room, it had gotten foggy again. I wondered if it was some sort of defensive mechanism on my part. It had been pretty intense and perhaps my mind was trying to protect me from it.

He shook his head. “No. I was on a mission. It was simple, didn’t take long. Then-” He trailed off and his lips thinned in distaste. 

Before either of us could say anything else, the door opened suddenly and Sakura came in. “Naruto! Are you alright? Where the hell have you been?”

We both blinked at her stupidly. How had she gotten here so fast? Even pushing the pace, it took almost three days to get here from Konoha and I had just sent the message that Naruto had been found. But now that I thought about it, I had no idea how long I’d been unconscious. I glanced at Temari who was now standing in the doorway where Sai was peering around the doorframe beside her.

“They got here just before you woke up,” she said. “I didn’t get a chance to tell you.”

I glanced back at Naruto and saw a shadow of panic and feear flicker in his eyes when he looked at Sakura. But he quickly shoved it down and struggled to his feet. He shot his teammate a lopsided grin and scratched the back of his head sheepishly. 

“Sorry Sakura. I guess I got totally lost on the way back.” It was an obvious lie and the smile he aimed in Sakura’s direction was a brittle cover for the distress that still simmered underneath. But I wasn’t sure anyone else noticed. She reached out and smacked Naruto lightly upside the head while Sai commented dryly on his lack of direction. The blonde took it in stride and huffed good naturedly.

Sakura‘s expression was both irritated and worried. “Kakashi-sensei and Captain Yamato would have come to see you too but they were still out searching when we got the news you‘d finally been found. Everybody‘s been looking for you.” She started looking Naruto up and down as if she could diagnose his condition just by looking. It was starting to make Naruto nervous and I rose to intervene.

Bracing a hand on my knee, I started to get to my feet but it was tougher than I thought it would be. As I struggled to rise, I felt a supporting hand at my elbow. Naruto had come over to help me stand and I felt that twinge at my heart again. When I looked at him, he wasn’t smiling anymore and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. Should I be grateful that he didn’t feel the need to lie to me or disappointed because he wasn’t trying to reassure me like he was everyone else. His lips pulled in another fake grin as he turned back to Sakura.

“I guess I should head home before Granny Tsunade chews me out for taking so long.” But his tone made it sound like he didn’t seem all that eager to return to Konoha.

“Well. . .” Sakura blinked and her fierce expression softened just a little bit. “We came to see how you were doing and she ordered us to tell you to take as much time as you need to get better.” Her eyes narrowed slightly and she pinned him with a steely glare. “Don’t make the doctors tie you down to the bed like that last time.”

All color leached from Naruto’s face and he swallowed convulsively. His breath shuddered slightly as he fought for some self control. Sakura seemed to mistake his change in complexion for a symptom of poor health and reached out to place her hand on his forehead which only made it worse.

“See?” she murmured “You should still be in bed.”

Naruto’s eyes flicked to the bed nervously. The straps were covered by the blankets where they’d fallen after he’d flailed his way out of them but it appeared that he still knew they were there. “I’m fine. I don’t need to be in the hospital anymore.” There was a thread of panic in his voice and I didn’t like the sound of it.

Reaching out to gently touch his arm, I caught his gaze. “You don’t have to stay here. Come home with me.” I hadn’t meant for it to come out quite like that. But at least I hadn’t gone on to ask him to let me take care of him. I wanted to do that very much but I didn’t think it would go over very well if I said so. As it was, I wasn’t sure how the invitation would be received. Fortunately, Naruto seemed to latch onto the offer almost desperately while trying not to be obvious about it. 

“I guess, yeah.” He looked exhausted and I hoped that rest would be enough for now. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Temari move off to take care of the preparations. Naruto would have everything I could possibly give him to help him recover from whatever had happend. I just hoped it would be enough.


	4. Chapter 4

Naruto changed into the clothes Sakura and Sai had brought for him while I headed back to the room across the hall to dress. The skittish medic from earlier returned with a doctor in tow as I came out into the hall. He was still nervous around me and didn’t argue when I told him I‘d take full responsibility for Naruto. After he went away, I opened the door to my room and stepped inside. Word must have spread that I was awake because Kankuro flung the door open and came in behind me before it fully closed.

“Gaara.” He was wearing casual clothing and his face was clean of all makeup. He looked unusually frazzled.

I held up a hand to stall his questions as I calmly changed my clothes. “I’m fine,” I said as I pulled my shirt over my head. “We’re about to head home.” 

His brows rose at that but he didn’t immediately reply. Instead, he followed quietly as I went out into the hall. Naruto was waiting outside his door, his eyes studiously not looking at the interior of his room or his teammates. Sakura was obviously concerned and Sai was watching him with that odd mix of interest and confusion that meant he was probably trying to figure out what the blonde was thinking. Any minute now he’d be pulling a book out of his bag to search for an answer.

When I touched Naruto’s shoulder, he jumped and blinked at me. But he didn’t glance away like he did with everyone else which I supposed was something. “Are you ready?” I asked him.

He merely nodded. His skin was still pale, making the whisker marks on his cheeks stand out in stark contrast. The sapphire blue of his eyes was dark and clouded. I also noticed that he hadn’t tied on his leaf headband which Sai and Sakura had brought him. It left his forehead strangely bare. He rarely went without it and the fact that he wasn’t wearing it showed that he was still unwell. 

I mulled over thoughts of who was responsible for what had happened to him. It was still unclear as to whether or not anyone in Konoha had been involved and I wondered at his teammates’ motivations. Sakura would never knowingly do anything to harm Naruto. She always pushed away his childish, romantic advances but I knew she cared about him. Sai was a different matter. He was Team seven’s newest member and formerly Danzo’s subordinate. Danzo was definitely a man who would like to see Naruto and Kyuubi subdued and under control at all costs. Sai’s mission when he’d been assigned to the team was to spy on Naruto and report back to his superior. I made a mental note to have him watched while he was here.

Kankuro trailed at my side as I led the way out of the hospital and toward home. It was dark outside with a pale sliver of moon shining among the stars. The streets were lit with a soft glow from the streetlamps but there were few people out at this time of night. When we reached the tower, Temari met us at the door and guided Sai and Sakura towards their rooms after murmuring in my ear. Ordinarily we would have offered a meal first but it was very late and no one expressed any feelings of hunger. It would be taken care of in the morning.

I showed Naruto to the room Temari told me she’d assigned him personally. He stepped inside and looked around like he wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to do next. I waved Kankuro away before closing the door behind us. My brother wouldn’t be pushed aside so easily and he’d probably go wait in my room so he could talk to me when I got there. But that might be a while. Right now my friend was still hurting even if I wasn’t sure exactly why and I didn’t want to leave him by himself just yet. 

“I really should just go,” Naruto murmured. He was gripping the strap of his bag so tightly, he knuckles were white. “I don’t want to be any more trouble.”

“You are not trouble,” I replied automatically. He wasn’t and never could be. Not to me. Naruto was being so tentative and withdrawn which wasn‘t like him. I missed his boisterous enthusiasm. “Do you need anything? Are you hungry? I could find you another room if you don‘t like this one.” The questions and offers spilled out before I could stop them. I really wanted to fix the problem even if I didn’t know what it was.

“No.” He glanced at me again, his gaze settling on my face as his brows drew down in concern. “You should go to bed, you look tired.”

Again, he was showing me concern when he was obviously still suffering himself. It left me feeling strangely inadequate. “If you need anything, my room is right next door.” There was no response beyond a vague nod but I didn’t want to push any more than I had. Sighing quietly, I said goodnight and left him alone. I didn’t want to but there was nothing else that I could do without becoming a complete nuisance. 

I headed out into the hall and noted how close Temari had put Naruto to my own rooms. Sai and Sakura had probably been set up in the guest quarters which were much farther away. This section of the tower was set aside for the Kazekage‘s family and part of me was pleased that Naruto was here. Both of my siblings were waiting inside my sitting room when I stepped through the door. Kankuro had been sprawled in a chair but he sat up straight when I came in. 

“Are you okay?” He narrowed his eyes when I opened my mouth to respond. “And don’t you dare say you’re fine.” 

Temari gave our brother a flat look but she didn’t seem to be in a hurry to defend me. Instead she took the opportunity to ask her own terse questions. “Are you sure it was wise to leave the hospital? A couple more days wouldn’t have hurt either of you.” Her eyes flicked in the direction of Naruto’s room and I began to wonder if she’d put him so close to me because I might be the only one capable of subduing Kyuubi if the fox emerged. It probably wasn’t a bad idea but I disliked the thought that everyone was assuming Naruto would lose control.

“Trust me.” Now that was something I never would have asked of them when we were younger. And they wouldn’t have had any reason to if I did. But I meant it now and they knew it. “He’s better off here in more comfortable surroundings. And I’m just tired. Once I get some sleep, I will be fine.” I glared at Kankuro and dared him to say something as I spoke the last few words. 

Temari sniffed and was unimpressed by my expression. “We were all worried that it was some kind of genjutsu and that you’d become trapped in it too. There‘s no telling what kind of side effects there might be.” 

“That wasn’t it.” I wasn’t quite ready to tell them what really happened. I couldn’t remember much toward the end when I passed out but my conversation with Kyuubi was relatively clear in my mind. I needed to think on it more before I decided to share.

Temari seemed far from appeased by my lack of explanation. “For all we knew it could have been some sort of virus or poison that might have spread through the entire village.” Her posture became more belligerent as she took a few steps closer. “Did you ever stop to think it was somebody’s plan. That Naruto was used as bait or some sort of plant. That somebody knew you’d bring him right back here and-”

“Temari.” Kankuro cut her off and stood. “Enough.” He refused to be fazed by her anger when she glared at him. 

“Why are you defending him when you‘re just as freaked out as I am? You don’t know what happened. It could have been that bad.” 

“Do you honestly think Gaara didn’t consider that? That he wouldn’t factor in all of the risks before bringing Naruto to Suna?”

Actually, I hadn’t. There had only been a single thought on my mind when I’d found him laying half dead in the sand. I had to save him at all costs. It was an attitude I couldn’t afford in my position because she was right. I could have been that bad. The two of them continued to argue while I considered what Temari had said. I’d let my emotions guide my actions at a terrible risk to the village. How was I supposed to balance my feelings with my responsibilities? The feelings themselves were hard enough to deal with on their own. But that single thought kept reverberating in my mind.

“He was dying,” I said quietly. I wasn’t really defending myself or my actions. That’s just what happened. I’m not sure if it was the words or the pained tone in which they’d come out but both of them stopped arguing when I spoke.

Temari bit her lip in an uncommonly vulnerable expression for her. “We thought you were dying too.” Her voice sounded small and uncertain, something that didn’t happen very often. Her anger seemed to have drained away in the wake of her worry. Kankuro reached out and took her hand in his. With his other hand, he snagged my sleeve and pulled me closer. I didn’t resist as he slung his arm across my shoulders.

“Don’t take it personally or anything. It’s not often that we have cause to worry about you.” He ruffled my hair in an attempt to lighten the mood. “Just remember that you haven’t gotten out of that ass kicking.” My brother gave me a stern look that was somewhat ruined by the smirk pulling at his mouth. It turned into a wry expression as he looked at Temari with a mix of exasperation and affection. He squeezed her hand. “And you. Give our little brother a break. Everything he did was for Naruto’s sake.”

Her eyes narrowed because she knew he was manipulating her to a degree but in the end, she gave in and sighed. Reaching out to cup my cheek, she brushed her thumb along my cheekbone. “You scared the crap out of me.” Then she gave my face a firm pat and shot me a more serious look. “Just be careful and keep him out of trouble.” We all knew there was more to this discussion but I could already feel myself drooping with the fatigue I’d been trying to deny since I’d woken up. My siblings could see it and both of them said goodnight before finally leaving me alone. 

Now that I’d gained the solitude that I’d been craving for quite some time, it felt too quiet. Stripping down to my boxers, I lay down on top of the covers. The heat had not yet dissipated and the warmth of my room was only marginally relieved by the ceiling fan. And while the darkness used to be my sanctuary, now it only felt close and confining. I tried to relax but it took more effort than I would have imagined. I was exhausted and now that I had the opportunity to rest, sleep seemed out of my reach. 

Listening to the sound of my own heartbeat, I did my best let sleep wash over me. And it almost worked. I could feel myself drifting off. After lying in bed for a while in the soft comfort of almost-sleep, a sudden ripple of sensation and memory had me wide awake and fumbling for the bedside lamp.

My body was suddenly covered in a fine sheen of sweat and my heart was thumping painfully in my chest. I couldn’t remember what exactly had me panicking so badly but there were wisps of it at the back of my mind. It was enough to make me shy away from the thought entirely and not examine it further. Somehow I knew it had something to do with Naruto. Was he having this much trouble sleeping? Were those same traces of memory stabbing him awake with fear of what had happened to him? Catching my breath and willing my heart to slow, I got up and slipped on a pair of loose pants before going out onto the balcony. There was pleasantly cool breeze outside and I opened the doors wide to let the moving air in.

There were scattered pinpoints of light in the village spread out below me. Perhaps there were others that had trouble sleeping as well. Or maybe they just kept late hours. In the midst of my thoughts, a glow to my left caught my attention. There was light spilling from the windows of the next room. Naruto’s room. The curtains fluttered outward in the night breeze and I could see his shadow move out onto the balcony. As I watched, he came to railing but after a moment, he sank to his knees. Fearing that he might be ill, I prepared to leap over to see if he was alright. But the whisper of sound that came to me on the night breeze made me pause.

He was crying. 

I saw his silhouette shudder in the dark and my heart ached. My hand was clenched over my chest, my blunt nails pressing into my skin. I wanted to comfort him and make the pain go away like no one had done for me when I was young. I didn’t even know how to do that but I was willing to try if it would make things better. But I didn’t know if he’d welcome the warmth of another person or if he preferred to be alone. Would going to him now push him further away? Irritation rose at my own indecision and fear. I couldn’t figure out what to do because emotional issues were something that I had no practice with. As a child, I’d never understood feelings or how to deal with them. For all intents and purposes, I was still very young and inexperienced. I disliked the feeling very much.

Before I could make up my mind about what I should do, Naruto got shakily to his feet and went back inside. The click of the doors closing was the only sound on the night air. I wanted to see if he was okay but I couldn’t bring myself to bother him when he was feeling so distressed. What would I say? I’d probably do something stupid like try to touch him and that would only make things worse. The whole situation left me feeling confused and unhappy. Guilt was also making itself known and I shook my head. Naruto was having his own issues and here I was bemoaning that fact that I couldn’t figure out what to do with my emotions. Heading back inside, I flopped down on the bed and prayed for the oblivion of sleep.

. . . . . . .

The next morning, bright light crept in through the window and sheared across my eyes. I’d slept badly and fatigue still clung to me like a thin, wet blanket. Turning my head, I could still see the glow of the bedside lamp that I hadn’t been able to bring myself to turn off last night. The darkness had been a little too much to bear. I usually rose before dawn and it was now later than I liked. It seemed that my alarm had been turned off but I clearly remembered setting it the night before. Kankuro and Temari. I wouldn’t put it past my siblings to sneak in and turn it back off again. They probably wanted me to get as much sleep as possible but waking naturally hadn’t helped. It left me feeling sluggish. Even after a cool shower and a clean change of clothes, I still didn’t fell quite well. 

There was so much I needed to do today starting off with another letter to Tsunade. As I pulled on a black tunic over a pair of soft black pants, I realized that I still didn’t know how much time had passed since I’d collapsed at the hospital. Taking a deep breath to calm my irritation, I added a few things to my mental list of things to do. I padded barefoot out into the hall and over to Naruto’s room. I wanted to see if he was ready for breakfast. When I knocked on the door, it opened inward slightly and I saw that it wasn‘t latched.

“Naruto?” The room was dim with the curtains drawn. I could see the sheets on the bed were rumpled from a rough night but there was no sign of the blonde. “Naruto?” I called again as I headed toward the bathroom. But that was empty as well and I started to get a little worried. 

“He went to one of the training grounds early this morning.”

I whirled to see Kankuro standing in the doorway and cursed myself for letting my guard down. What if it had been someone else standing there while I was unaware? The expression on my brother’s face seemed to mirror what I was thinking but he didn’t say it out loud. It wasn’t often that he caught me by surprise. I didn’t ask him how he knew where Naruto was. The blonde would be watched while he was here and I knew Kankuro would keep an eye on him. But it wasn’t just to make the council feel more secure, it would also be for his own protection. He wouldn’t like it if he knew but I could only deal with one thing at a time. 

“Which one?”

“I’ll tell you over breakfast.” A not so subtle hint that I wasn’t getting out of the house without eating. Kankuro was already dressed for the day with fresh face paint applied but he’d forgone his hood due to the heat. He led me to the dining room where breakfast had already been laid out for me. I settled myself at the table and picked up my tea. As unwell as I felt, I was hungry which was hopefully a good sign.

“Did he eat anything before he left?” I asked.

“Worried?” Kankuro asked me.

I gave him a flat look. “I come by it honestly.” 

My brother raised his hands in surrender and sat before pouring himself some tea. “Sakura wants to talk to you about Naruto when you have a moment.” When my gaze flicked up from my rice bowl, he shrugged. “She and Sai also asked me where he was earlier. I told them he went for a walk. I figured if he wanted them to know, he would have told them himself.” It seemed my brother had some of the same doubts about Konoha and their possible participation in Naruto’s torture as I did. 

“It’s not like they won’t find him if they really go looking.” The whole idea that the Leaf might have been involved still left a bitter taste in my mouth. 

“Actually, Sakura went back to the hospital to talk to the doctors. It seems she’s multitasking while she’s here and she’s been consulting with the medics about their medicines.” As well as asking them about Naruto’s condition while she was at it, no doubt. Not that we needed or intended to keep the information from her.

“And Sai?”

“He’s a weird one.” Kankuro frowned into his cup.

“His stunted social skills make him an oddity to be sure,” Baki said from where he stood in the doorway looking as serious as ever. “But just because he’d been accepted by his teammates doesn‘t mean we should lower our guard. He‘s currently touring the village with an escort.” He tiled his head a little to one side. “How are you Gaara?”

I knew his question was almost as much due to his need to know if I was capable of carrying out my duties as it was worry about my health. “I’m well enough.”

“Your appointments had been put on hold for the duration of your trip but they should be rescheduled. We can get away with delaying another day, maybe two before anyone starts to question your condition. But I wouldn’t push it.”

“One day should be sufficient.” I’d be ready to pick up where I left off by then hopefully. There were still some things I wanted to take care of before I flung myself back into the job. One of them was currently attempting to train himself into exhaustion on one of the training grounds. 

“Don’t push yourself,” Kankuro said. “We don’t even know what happened yet.” As much as he’d defended me the night before, he was still unhappy about the whole situation. When I finished the food and emptied my tea cup, he took the tray into the kitchen. 

Baki crossed his arms and leaned casually against the doorjamb. “So what happened in that hospital room? The only visible injury you had was the cut on your bottom lip but you were unconscious for nearly three days afterwards.”

I sat back and mulled over my thoughts before speaking. “It was some sort of seal. I got caught in the backlash when it broke.” It wasn’t necessarily a lie. Kyuubi had mentioned a seal but I’d done nothing to break it directly. I didn’t even remember much about that part.

Baki’s expression told me he knew I wasn’t telling him everything and he didn’t like it. “Is that so? Perhaps Uzumaki knows something.” 

“I’ll talk to him.” I let my gaze harden enough to let him know I didn’t want anyone else questioning Naruto. At least not without me present.

He inclined his head slightly in understanding with no sign of insult. “As you wish.” He paused briefly before speaking again. “He seems troubled.”

It was no surprise that Baki had picked up on it. Naruto’s emotions were often easy to read. But I still hadn’t quite figured out how to talk to him about it. Standing slowly, I was pleased to feel that some of the fatigue had faded. 

“I’m going over to the hospital to see Sakura. Kankuro said she wanted to talk to me.”

“Yes. She’s most likely in the greenhouse by now. It seems she brought some medicinal saplings with her from Konoha.” 

That was good to hear. Suna wasn’t an ideal climate for growing plants and the herbalists were constantly struggling to keep things alive. Our medics had been impressed with Sakura since she’d once made an antidote for Kankuro that nobody else could figure out. I was personally grateful to her for saving my brother. Fortunately, I was relatively certain that even if someone with Konoha was responsible for Naruto’s injuries, she wasn’t involved.

The greenhouse was on the far side of the village surrounded by plants that grew naturally in our arid climate. Kankuro accompanied me on the trip there after he’d finished with the breakfast dishes. Our walk was silent aside from greetings from several passerby. 

“Good morning, Kazekage-sama.”

“I’m glad you’re well, Kazekage-sama.”

“How are you, Kazekage-sama?”

I returned all of their greetings and polite inquiries calmly with as much warmth as I could muster. No matter how hard I tried, some still considered me cold and impersonal. Some of them were just being polite but I knew there were just as many who genuinely cared. They had all cheered me on when I’d battled the Akatsuki and welcomed me with open arms when I’d returned home. I would protect this place and my people with everything I had. 

The greenhouse loomed with it’s lush contents pressing against the glass. When we went inside, the humid air surrounded us. Shades had been draped across the interior of the ceiling to cut the heat from Suna’s sun. There were a few scattered herbalists working in the soil or watering plants. A large underground spring supplied water to the entire village as well as the gardens. I spotted Sakura’s pink hair on the far side of the space near the worktables. As I came closer, I could see her inspecting the contents of one of the large cabinets against the wall. 

“Good morning, Sakura,” I said.

“Oh, hi Gaara.” She turned and gave me a small bow. “How are you this morning?”

“Better.” 

Sakura looked me up and down with narrowed eyes as if she could diagnose my condition just by staring hard enough. Apparently I looked well enough to pass inspection because her expression softened. “I spoke to the doctors at the hospital and they told me some of what happened.” Her voice trailed off quietly. “How did you find him?”   
“By not giving up. He wouldn’t have done any less for me.” 

She nodded and I knew she understood. Reaching into her pouch, she pulled out a sealed scroll. “Tsunade-sama asked me to give you this.” It was nearly identical to the one that had started all of this. Fortunately, the contents were not nearly so dire when I opened and read it. 

The Hokage was thanking me for finding Naruto safely. She also proposed making him a temporary ambassador to Suna and extending his stay for the time being. There was some inconsequential rambling about being allies and learning a lot from each other but it was clear that she didn’t want him to come home just yet. That perked my interest and made me think about my suspicions about Konoha but one of the last sentences caught my eye. Sasuke had been spotted near the Leaf and it was best that Naruto was nowhere near while they tried to deal with the problem on their own.

That was something I hadn’t considered at all. There were very few things in this world that could depress Naruto and make him evasive. Uchiha Sasuke was one of those things. Naruto was desperate to bring him home. He tore himself apart and considered it a personal failure that he wasn’t able to stop Sasuke from leaving in the first place. Naruto’s obsession with getting him back was a sore spot for me. I wasn’t entirely sure that the Uchiha was worth saving at this point. Sasuke certainly had his own pain to deal with but that was no excuse or justification for what he was doing. The longer he continued on his chosen path, the less redeemable he became. 

I rolled up the scroll and put it in my belt pouch. There was no need for Sakura to see it. Sasuke was an extremely weak spot for her as well and I wouldn‘t bring up his name in front of her if she didn’t already know. “Have you seen Naruto yet today?” I asked her.

Sakura’s brow furrowed. “No. He was gone before I got up this morning.” She chewed her bottom lip and looked at me with a pleading expression. “I know something is still wrong. And I. . .I’m not sure if there’s anything I can do. Please, Gaara. Take care of Naruto.”

She didn’t even have to ask. It was a promise I’d already made to myself but I bowed to her and vowed that I would anyway. Once outside, I started striding toward the area of the village that housed the training grounds. 

“Which one?” I asked Kankuro who was still at my side.

“He was in the Third Quad early this morning. I haven’t gotten any reports that he’s moved since then.” There were four main training areas at different points in the village. Number three was more remote and the farthest away from residential areas. I don’t know if that was a specific choice on Naruto’s part or not. It was clear that he wanted to be alone. 

A sudden explosion made the ground shake and Kankuro and I spared each other a brief glance before taking off in the direction it came from. It didn’t surprise me that it was the Third Quad. The entire area was closed off on the village side with an unbroken stone wall thirty feet high to keep out anyone without the skill to scale it easily. The other side was tucked up against the cliff wall that surrounded the entire village. Kankuro and I sprinted to the top and scanned the area before entering. The space was a wasteland of debris with chunks of broken stone littering the ground. Giant cracks and fissures had been opened up in the walls. It wasn’t enough to bring them down but the damage was severe. 

The two Anbu guards who had been watching were picking themselves up out of the wreckage. Both appeared to be dazed from the explosion. On the other side of the space, I could see a pair of orange-clad legs sticking out from behind one of the larger boulders. Panic gripped me as I leapt down and raced to the other side of the training ground. 

“NARUTO!” This was the second time that I‘d found him lying in the sand. Naruto was on his back, his clothes singed and torn. There were chakra burns on his hands and a gash at his temple that was bleeding heavily. 

He’d only just gotten out of the hospital last night. There was no way he was ready for this kind of activity yet. I tore off a strip of fabric from my shirt and tried to slow the bleeding. If it was life-threatening, Kyuubi would most likely heal it but I didn’t know if he was still trapped or not. I didn’t think the fox was responsible for the damage around us. It wouldn’t have been nearly as contained if that was the case. I wasn’t looking forward to the conversation we were going to have when Naruto woke up. I didn’t want to resort to imprisoning him but I couldn’t let this keep happening.

“Hnn.” Naruto moaned and shifted where he lay.

“Naruto.” I gripped his shoulder and kept him from trying to rise. “Stay still. You’re hurt.”

“I’m fine,” he mumbled. 

“No, you’re foolish and stubborn. That has nothing to do with being fine.” I didn’t miss the raised brow Kankuro shot in my direction but I refused to acknowledge it. I was well aware that I used that excuse quite often. “We need to get you to the hospital,” I said.

“No.” Naruto pushed my hands away and struggled to get up. “No hospitals.” His eyes were wide and scrabbled weakly backwards until he was propped against the cracked and crumbling wall.

“It’s alright. It won’t be like last time, I promise.” I didn’t like the pleading sound of my voice. “If you come back to the tower, Sakura can take a look at you instead.” That suggestion got an even worse reaction and it clearly didn’t make him feel any better. 

Naruto shook his head from side to side. “No. Don’t want her to see me. I don‘t want anyone to see me.” His voice cracked and a single tear slid down his cheek. He started to tremble and his hands shook where they clawed at the dirt before his eyes rolled back and he lost consciousness. I wasn’t sure what he meant but I knew I had to take him to the hospital now no matter what his wishes were. But I wasn’t leaving his side this time.


	5. Chapter 5

My head snapped up for the third time in an hour and I blinked rapidly to clear my fuzzy vision. I’d been nodding off for a while now but for some reason, I kept resisting the urge to sleep. I was sitting at Naruto’s bedside in the hospital. Again. He’d woken up a little while after Kankuro and I brought him in and he’d tried to convince me to leave but I wasn‘t going anywhere. I’d been keeping watch over him all day while the doctors had come in periodically to wake him to make sure he didn’t slip into a coma.

“Tell me again.” Naruto’s quiet voice spoke from the bed and snapped me awake again. He’d turned his head to look at me or more accurately, to glare at me. 

“Tell you what?”

“How sitting there falling asleep in a chair when you should be in bed is any better than what you were scolding me for earlier?” It was a rather lucid thought for someone who had a severe concussion. Or maybe it was because of the head injury. Naruto wasn’t often clever with words or much of a deep thinker. It wasn’t that he was stupid. Far from it. His existence was just based primarily on impulse and he usually said the first thing that popped into his head no matter what it was.

“Falling asleep in a chair is not a life threatening activity,” I replied as I rested my chin in my hand. It wasn’t much of a defense but true nonetheless. 

“I’m not dead,” he muttered.

But he could have been. The cut at his hairline was partially healed already but the burns on his hands were still livid and red. He‘d managed to partially disrupt his chakra network as well and it would take a few days of rest before he could start training again. He always pushed himself to the limit and needed a lot of recovery time after. But this seemed a little different somehow and it wasn’t the only thing that was bothering me.

“Why didn’t you want Sakura to look at you earlier?” Even I could see that he’d always had a crush on her and under normal circumstances he’d usually welcome any excuse for her to pay attention to him. But he’d almost seemed afraid when I‘d mentioned her help.

Naruto shifted on the bed so he was turned slightly on his side facing away from me. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“You didn’t want us to take you to the hospital but when I offered to take you home and have her look at you instead, you didn’t want that either.”

“I don’t remember that.” His stubborn refusal irritated me. He was usually pretty upbeat about everything but I could see part of his profile and unhappiness painted his features.

“Are you alright?” I asked him quietly. I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t ask it but the question kept coming up. Something was obviously wrong and I couldn‘t fix it until I knew what it was. 

“I’m fine.” Naruto sighed and tried to sit up only to wince when he put weight on his bandaged hands. No, he wasn’t fine. I’d used that excuse enough myself to know it was just a way to put people at ease so they’d go away and stop worrying. 

“No, you’re not.”

The blonde narrowed his eyes a little and glared at me again over his shoulder. “You think I’m lying?”

“Aren’t you?” His expression turned sullen and I had to bite back a sigh. “Your eyes are still a little unfocused from the concussion, your chakra is unstable and judging by the way you‘re favoring your hands, the burns are quite painful. Please.” I didn’t like the way his shoulders drooped at my pleading tone but I went on anyway. “Promise you’ll stay here and rest.” 

He pursed his lips and obviously didn’t like what he was hearing but I could see that he was thinking about something. “Only if you promise to go home and get some sleep,” he countered. When I opened my mouth to argue he held up his hands to show me the bandages. “You don’t have to worry. I can’t do anything like this.” There was a little bitterness in his tone and he took a deep breath before letting it out slowly like he was trying to hold onto his calm. “I just want to be alone right now and you need sleep anyway.”

How could I make demands of him if I wasn’t willing to listen to what he had to say? Especially when he had a valid point. “Alright. I‘ll come see you in the morning.”

“You don’t have to.” It came out as a sullen mutter and I barely heard it. No, I didn’t have to but I would anyway. It felt odd just leaving him there all alone but it might upset him more if I stayed when he didn’t want me there. I felt a little pang that he wanted me to go. As I got up and headed for the door, I realized that I didn’t have the chance to tell him about Tsunade’s proposal yet. The one about making him ambassador to Suna. She’d sent a separate letter addressed to him but now didn’t seem like the time to give it to him. Maybe tomorrow if he was feeling up to it.

Kankuro was waiting in the hall when I came out and he stood up straight when he saw me. “How’s he doing?”

“Well enough I guess.”

“How are you?”

I looked over at him and saw concern on his face. It seemed that I’d been worrying him a lot lately and it didn‘t feel right to lie to him. “Tired,” I said finally.

“Come home and get some rest.” 

I could tell that it was on the tip of his tongue to tell me I should eat something too but when I narrowed my eyes he relented. I put up with his nagging to a degree but I wasn’t in the mood for it now. Naruto’s dampened spirits were really bothering me. I don’t think I’d ever seen him so depressed except when it had something to do with Sasuke. The thought made me frown and I began to wonder about Tsunade’s reasons for keeping him from coming home.

When we got back home, Kankuro and Temari did manage to get me to eat something before I went to my room. But it was almost as much to keep them from prodding me than because I was hungry. I wasn‘t quite ready for bed yet so when I got to my bedroom, I went over to the worktable that was set against the wall. Keeping the Shukaku in check all those years had required a great deal of effort and deep sleep undermined all of that. But even after the sand spirit was gone, insomnia had been a lingering problem for me. When I was younger, I used to train constantly but I felt the need for a change of pace after I met Naruto. For a while, I read a lot of books but I had the growing urge to do something that was a little more active. 

The table in front of me was covered with half finished projects and I found myself slipping into memories of the past. When I was fourteen, I’d been down in the trade district one day wandering the streets. It wasn’t necessarily to force my presence on other people but I hoped that seeing me more often would help them get used to having me around at least. I’d never really paid much attention to what the people around me were doing before. I’d been mired in my own selfishness and it wasn’t a concern of mine so I was looking around with fresh eyes at the activities that had always been going on around the village.

I became fascinated with the wood carvings a little old man was working on out in front of his shop. His back was stooped with age and his weathered face had seen more years than me and both my siblings combined. He used a mix of impressive dexterity with a kunai blade and his own chakra to shape plain blocks of wood into figurines with amazing detail. I found myself stopping there every so often to watch him work. 

At home I had tried carving for myself but I found that it was so much harder than it looked. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn‘t make anything recognizable. The wood always turned out as a splintery lump with strange angles. After several attempts, I’d given in to a fit of temper and crushed a half finished carving with my sand. It left the wood in a pile of splinters on the table and me in an unhappy mood. But I’d gone back to see the artisan the next day despite my frustration. Oddly enough, he didn’t seem uncomfortable with my presence. After watching him for a while, I heard him chuckle gruffly. 

“Don’t know what the fuss is all about. You don’t seem all that scary to me.” 

I didn’t really know what to say to that. It wasn’t often that anyone treated me with anything other than nervous politeness or outright terror. But maybe he just didn’t know the monster I had lurking on the inside. Just the stray thought of Shukaku was enough to make the sand spirit stir restlessly and I had to take a moment reestablish my control. The craftsman was watching me with a bland expression but didn’t seemed disturbed by my moment of distraction. Searching for something to say, I blurted out the fist thing that came to mind. 

“How do you do that?” It was a childishly simple question but I realized that I actually wanted to know. I was under no illusions that I’d be able to master the skill immediately but my attempts so far had been extremely disappointing. 

The man flicked off another sliver of wood with his knife and smoothed the edges of the cut with his chakra before he spoke. “Gotta get a feel for the wood. All the things that are parts of it. A little earth, a little water.” He squinted up at me from where he was sitting as if he could see me from the inside out. Part of me was afraid of what he’d see. The little old man was one of the first who had actually treated me like a person instead of a monster and I really didn’t want that to change. But after a moment, he pursed his lips thoughtfully. 

“You’re more attuned to earth. Stone’d probably be better suited for ya. With all that sand I bet you could carve out details that I‘d never manage.” He gave me a lopsided grin and I felt my lips twitch. It was an unfamiliar sensation that I later learned was actually the beginnings of a smile.

I’d never really thought about elemental affinities and how they’d affect the carving. And I’d never even considered using my sand for anything other than battle before. That night I brought home several large stones and tried things a little differently. At first, I ended up with a lot of crushed pebbles and grit but the process felt much more natural than when I was working with the wood. It just took a lot more control than I expected to carve the stone without destroying it. With some practice, I was able to create simple, smooth shapes with a polished sheen that pleased me more than I was willing to admit. 

Pulling myself from the past, I found myself idly rubbing my thumb over a one of the rough pieces of stone on the worktable. I’d drawn it up from the depths of the desert and it had a deep greenish hue that rippled with layers of color. I’d smoothed one small spot to see what it would look like when it was polished. The greens had deepened and there were small shining veins of lavender twining throughout. It made me think of forest shadows which made me think of Naruto. Sighing, I concentrated on raising my chakra slowly and started smoothing away the rough edges.

. . . . . . .

I woke the next morning feeling a little better but I still wasn’t completely myself yet. There was a soft knock on the door before Kankuro came in. He had a tray in his hands and a sheepish look on his face.

“Morning.”

“I’m not an invalid. I perfectly capable of making it to the dining room.” I tried to keep the irritation out of my voice but I don’t think I was doing a very good job of it.

“Trust me, you‘re better off in here. Temari’s a little peeved this morning and everybody‘s keeping their distance.”

“Is she alright?” In the midst of my worry over Naruto, I’d hadn’t been paying much attention to anything or anyone else.

“Yeah, she’s fine,” he said waving a hand dismissively after he set the tray on the low table in the sitting area. “Just being temperamental.”

“Who’s being temperamental?” Our sister stood framed in the doorway of my bedroom with one of her eyebrows arched in an expression that promised a training session in Kankuro’s future. He was studiously ignoring her as he wandered over to my work table. 

“You’re getting really good at this.” Kankuro was running his fingers over the green stone I’d worked on yesterday. Its glossy, rounded surface was now covered with stylized leaves. He was obviously trying to distract Temari and oddly enough, it seemed to be working. For the moment anyway. I sat at the low table and took a sip of tea. I’d done numerous carvings over the past couple of years and most of them had been given away as gifts. But few people knew I was the one who’d made them.

“So,” Temari said as she sat at the table with me. She shot Kankuro an irritated look before tracing her fingers over the grain of the wooden tabletop. “Are you going to cancel your trip to Konoha completely?” 

I closed my eyes and mulled over my options. I really didn’t want to leave Naruto here on his own but I knew I couldn’t let decisions of state be affected by my personal feelings. “For the time being at least.”

“Oh.” Temari’s face fell and it suddenly occurred to me why she might be upset. It was no wonder she was on a tear and everyone was keeping their distance. Now that we weren’t going, she wouldn’t get to see Shikamaru. 

“I’m sorry,” I said, suddenly feeling terrible.

“It’s fine,” she said as she got up and did her best to make it look like it didn’t bother her.

“Sasuke has been sighted near Konoha. That complicates things considerably.” And that was just a pathetic excuse. But both Temari and Kankuro looked at me sharply. It wasn’t until then that I realized I hadn’t updated either of them on the contents of the letter I‘d received from Tsunade. They exchanged a look that held none of their usual sibling hostility before turning back to me.

“I’m going to overlook all our security details again,” Kankuro said before he headed out the door. Temari watched him go before looking back to me. 

“I’ll be at the academy if you need anything. I need to take a closer look at the curriculum.” She’d done a lot of teaching over the last couple of years. While she was often prickly and disagreeable, I think she liked spending time with the kids. And at the same time, she was preparing them for what lay ahead. With things being the way they were, war was a distinct possibility in our future. Temari glided out of the room with her face set in determined lines. With something to focus on, she’d put aside her disappointment for the time being.

Soon I was alone again and I settled down to finish breakfast before going over to see Naruto. I knew I needed to spend some time in my office today. The longer I put it off, the more work there would be when I finally sat at my desk again. Now that my trip was postponed indefinitely, appointments would be rescheduled. A lot of people wanted my attention and I wouldn’t be able to keep them at bay for much longer.

After I was finished with breakfast, I showered and dressed in my robes before bringing the tray to the kitchen myself. I could have had somebody do it for me but I’d taken care of myself since I was a child and I saw no reason to change that. What had been a necessity before was a practice in self sufficiency now. Just because I could have others do things for me didn’t mean that I would take advantage of them. 

The morning streets were busy with people. I drew a lot more attention with my Kazekage robes than with regular clothing and most people greeted me warmly. There were a few exceptions but they mostly kept their distance. I’d long since resigned myself to the fact that there would always be those who didn’t trust me and some who still outright feared me. It would be impossible to completely win over every single person. But I’d made quite a lot of progress since I started down this path. I’d made it a habit to walk the streets often an be as visible as possible. 

When the hospital finally loomed before, me I suddenly didn’t want to go in. I didn’t want to see Naruto’s face looking so somber, especially when I didn’t know what to do to make him happy again. But I pushed myself forward anyway. When I entered his room, he was turned toward the window and he didn’t move when I came inside. Settling myself in the chair, I glanced at the barely touched breakfast tray that sat on the bedside table. It wasn’t like him to skip a meal and I added that to the list of things I was worried about. 

“You’re not going to sit there all day again, are you?” Naruto asked me after a few minutes of quiet. He hadn’t turned to look at me yet. 

“Do you want me to go?” I really didn’t want to leave but I wouldn‘t stay if he asked me to. 

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “No. . .I. . .I don’t know.” Naruto curled up on his side and buried his face in the pillow. His muffled voice was hard to make out but what I heard wasn‘t encouraging. “I don’t want you to waste your time with me. You’ve got stuff to do.”

I frowned and resisted the urge to reach out and make him look at me. “Naruto-“ I said quietly. 

“Please. Whatever you do, don’t lecture me. Sakura already did that once this morning.” 

I wondered if he’d picked at his breakfast in order to appease her. If she hadn’t insisted, he might not have touched it at all. His body seemed to be healing but I could feel that his chakra was still unstable. I really wanted to take him home with me again but I didn’t think the doctors would allow it this time. Not after he landed himself right back in the hospital the day after he’d been released yesterday. Quiet settled uncomfortably over the room for a little while and once again, I wasn’t sure what to say.

“Gaara?” Naruto’s voice was soft and hesitant but it seemed loud in the silence.

“Yes?”

“Did the Shukaku. . .did he ever, you know-” He shrugged uncomfortably. “-talk to you?”

I blinked at the sudden change in topic and had to think for a few moments before answering. It wasn’t something that I’d ever discussed with anyone before. “We didn’t exactly have conversations if that’s what you mean,” I said finally.

“But he did talk to you, right?”

The Shukaku hadn’t really been chatty. He was more like a whisper in my ear, a little voice in my head urging me to do terrible things when my control wasn’t strong enough. At one point, I thought I was going crazy and I was afraid to sleep because the voice might take me over completely. It wasn’t until I was older, after I’d sunk into my selfish blindness, that his whispers started making sense. And that was almost worse.

“He really only spoke when he wanted to try and convince me to let him have complete control. I wasn’t a person to him. I was merely a means to inflict his instability on the world.” And I shuddered to think of the things I could have done if I’d let him. I could hardly blame the village for fearing me. There had been such a fine line between their survival and the complete destruction of Suna. 

Naruto finally rolled over to look at me and his expression was pinched in mild confusion. “So he didn’t try to make friends with you or anything?”

Now it was my turn to be confused. “No, why?” Why was he be asking about my relationship with the Shukaku? My eyes widened a little as a disturbing thought occurred to me. “Is Kyuubi trying to talk you into something?”

Naruto’s eyes flicked up to mine in surprise. “No, not really. It’s just that. . .” He seemed perplexed but not in a panicked way. Huffing a breath suddenly, he flopped onto his back and stared at the ceiling. “With him and me, he’s always been in the shadows somewhere in the back of my head. I didn’t even know he was there until I was twelve.”

For some reason that came as a complete surprise. I’d always known about the Shukaku and it never occurred to me that Naruto had ever been unaware of his beast. He seemed to see that in my expression.

“Old Man Third made it so it was against the law to talk about it so I had no idea.” His expression grew somber again and he waved it off. “But even after I figured it out, we never talked or anything. The power just kind of came out whenever I got really upset.”

I’d always known that his power was tied to his emotions, more so when he was trying to protect someone he cared about. When we’d fought during the Chunin Exams, his power had increased exponentially when his friends were in danger. At the time, I hadn’t understood it at all.

“He’s sealed in a cage up here.” Naruto tapped his temple. “I’ve only talked to him face to face a couple of times and that was only to demand that he let me use his power.” He shuffled his shoulders in a sullen shrug and sighed. “I promised myself I’d never do that again. I have to be able to do things on my own. . .” His voice trailed off quietly. I could see that he was struggling with himself but it wasn’t clear exactly what bothered him most. Turning to me again there was a little suspicion in his gaze. “But now Kyuubi’s almost getting kind of chatty with me. Like he cares. He’s never done that before.”

I wasn’t sure if I should tell him that Kyuubi’s concern was most likely due to the fact that the fox’s wellbeing depended on his own. He probably knew that already. But I really wasn’t sure how to tell him that I‘d spoken to the fox directly. When I didn’t reply, Naruto tried to fill the silence. 

“Gaara. When. . .earlier when I was. . .out of it. When you brought me here. . .” Naruto shifted uncomfortably almost as if in embarrassment. “I thought I heard your voice. What happened after-?” he swallowed hard. “What happened after you found me? Nobody here seems to know.”

How would he feel about me entering his mind without permission? I’d done it to save him but it was still an extreme invasion of his privacy. I honestly don’t know how I would feel in his place. But I couldn’t keep it from him, especially since he’d asked me. So I started with the letter I’d received from the Hokage. I told him about the search and how I’d brought him back to the hospital on my own. He seemed mildly impressed and embarrassed by that last part. But I faltered a little when I started talking about my conversation with Kyuubi. Naruto’s expression changed several times going from worried to confused to outright shock. 

“You talked to him?”

“Believe me, I was just as surprised as you.” I went on to tell him about the conversation but I left out a few details. I wasn’t about to tell him how I felt or how it affected my actions. Neither of us were ready for that and now wasn’t really the time. I suddenly felt incredibly embarrassed and guilty about the whole ordeal. “I’m so sorry I intruded.”

“It’s. . .it’s okay.” Naruto’s face was a little flushed and he’d lowered his eyes. “I’m just glad it was you,” he murmured.

That made me feel a little warm myself. Naruto was nibbling at his bottom lip in thought leaving it plump and red and glistening with moisture. Despite my worry over what had happened and the confusion over my own feelings, I found myself just a little fascinated with his mouth right that moment. I liked the way it always seemed to curl up at the corner when he was happy and I suddenly wondered what his lips tasted like. It was an inappropriate thought but I found it was hard to shake off. Heat crept up my neck and I felt a twinge of shame. 

Naruto’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. “You’re the only one who really understands,” he said quietly.

I knew he was talking about our shared past, how we’d grown up in similar circumstances, each with our own version of the same pain. It had shaped our lives from an early age but we’d chosen to handle it differently. He was the one who really understood and I would do just about anything for him.

“Naruto. You are my friend.” My closest and dearest friend, I added silently.

He blinked and his eyes glistened a little. “Gaara.” He swallowed hard and looked away. “I don’t know what to do.”

This was the first time I’d ever heard him say something like that. In the past, he’d been unsure and he’d struggled with decisions that he knew he had to make, but I’d never seen him feeling so openly helpless. “Right now you don’t have to do anything at all,” I told him. I pulled the scroll out of my pouch and placed next to the breakfast tray. Now seemed as good a time as any. “Tsunade sent you this.”

Naruto sat up and wiped his eyes but he hesitated before touching the scroll. After an internal battle that I didn’t quite understand, he sniffed and unrolled the parchment carefully with his bandaged fingers. I watched him scan the page a few times with a slightly baffled look on his face. “Ambassador? But I don’t know anything about political stuff.” His utter disbelief brought a small smile to my face.

“No one’s expecting you to chair political negotiations single-handedly.” It was obvious that Tsunade hadn’t told him the reason she wanted him to stay here. I wasn’t about to tell him either.

“Yeah, but it’s just. . .I don’t know. It’s weird.” He seemed to be momentarily distracted from his depression and I hoped to keep him that way if I could manage it.

“You’ve always said that you want to be Hokage. Here’s your chance to see what comes with the job.” Because it was a job. It wasn’t just a position of respect or a mark of esteem for the most powerful ninja in the village. But I knew Naruto had what it took to take on the challenge. And aside from keeping him relatively safe and out of trouble, having him here could prove to be useful practice for him before he got to that point. I could see that he was seriously thinking about it but the sadness was starting to return and Naruto started to look a little depressed again. It seemed that keeping him distracted was going to be a challenge all by itself.

I could feel Baki lurking in the corridor outside, his presence revealed by the sand I carried with me. He’d been there for several minutes but it appeared that he wasn’t going to interrupt so it couldn’t be anything incredibly important. He was probably just waiting for me to head back to my office. 

Naruto had rolled the scroll back up and he was turning it end over end in his fingers. “You don’t have to stay here. Go do what you have to do.” Gripping the scroll tightly, he looked up at me again. “Thank you, Gaara.”

“You’re welcome.” My eyes landed on the bowl of rice porridge still sitting on the tray. “If you promise to get some rest and take it easy, I‘ll see if I can sneak you in a bowl of ramen later.” 

He didn’t look at me and the sadness was still there but I could see that little twitch at the corner of mouth as it curled up slightly. “Deal.”


	6. Chapter 6

Two days later, Naruto was walking with me to the main gate, his mood subdued. Sai and Sakura were heading back to Konoha today and we were going to see them off. After spending time in my office the day before yesterday sorting out all of the things I needed to do, I’d kept my promise and brought takeout to the hospital. Fortunately, I didn’t really have to do any sneaking to get it in. The nurses had smiled and waved me through. Naruto had also kept his word and stayed in bed to rest so we sat and ate bowls of ramen together quietly. 

Silence had never been a problem for me but it was strange for the rambunctious blonde to be that quiet. He was usually filling the silence with whatever thoughts crossed his mind. But he sat eating his noodles and looked rather contemplative while not saying a word. I found that I missed the sound of his voice and hearing about his hopes and dreams. But I didn’t want to force him to tell me what he was thinking. If he didn’t want to talk, I’d leave him be.

After he was finished eating, Naruto thanked me for the meal and handed me his empty bowl before laying back down. His gaze trailed out the window where the last rays of the sun painted the sky soft shades of pink and orange. His injuries were healing but his chakra levels were still low and fluctuating. The doctors wanted to keep him for another night and said he’d be released the following day. I had made sure my schedule was open so I could take him back home the next morning. When we got there, he’d gone into his room and spent the rest of the day by himself. 

Since then, he’d been keeping to his room, only showing himself occasionally for meals. And that was only when Kankuro or Temari pestered him about it. I’d tried to focus on my job but it was extremely difficult. My thoughts kept drifting back to Naruto. If it were a political or military problem, I’d have no trouble resolving the problem. But with personal issues I felt so woefully out of depth and I was sinking fast. My thoughts dispersed as Sakura called out to us and waved as we arrived. 

Naruto plastered a foolish grin on his face and raised his hand in greeting. “Hey, Sakura. Have a safe trip on your way back.”

Her expression turned wistful. “Are you sure you’re going to be alright here?” She eyed his hands with a critical eye. All of his wounds had healed and there were no lingering marks. Kyuubi’s power seemed to be healing him well enough but Naruto crossed his arms self-consciously. We hadn’t spoken about the fox since the other day in the hospital.

Naruto rubbed the back of his head sheepishly as he continued to hide behind a veil of false good humor. “I’ll be fine, Sakura. Don’t waste your time worrying about me.” His words didn’t seem to comfort her much and she narrowed her eyes. I worried that her temper would flare at his casual brush off but when she raised her hand and curled her fingers into a fist, all she did was tap him lightly on the chin.

“Take care of yourself. I mean it.”

He blinked at her and an echo of the sadness that he was trying to hide rose to the surface in his eyes. But he shook it off and smiled again. “I’m fine.” There it was again, that word that meant he was really not okay but he was trying to sidestep the issue anyway. 

Sai was watching the whole exchange with a thoughtful expression on his face. Surprisingly, he came closer to me and spoke quietly. “You’ll make sure he doesn’t push himself beyond his limit, won’t you?” We were far enough away that I don’t think Naruto or Sakura heard him.

“Of course.” It was all I could say. Sai had always been a little detached and rather quiet. I didn’t know him that well. But he’d become a part of Team Kakashi and he seemed to care about his teammate. I watched Sakura and Naruto exchange some awkward small talk for a few moments before I said anything else. “He’s safe here with me.” Seemingly satisfied, Sai nodded and shouldered his pack. Sakura did the same and patted Naruto’s shoulder one more time before coming over to say goodbye to me. She gave Naruto one last considering look before heading toward the gate. As the two of them started out across the sand, I turned to look at Naruto. I thought he’d be watching them go but he was busy studying his sandals as if they held the answers to all life’s mysteries. His teammates’ presence had made him sad but seeing them go didn’t seem to be much better.

“Would you rather be going with them?” I asked. I’d never really asked him whether or not he wanted to stay here in Suna. He’d read Tsunade’s letter and hadn’t actively said no but he hadn’t exactly agreed either. No matter how much I might want him to stay, I wasn’t going to keep him here against his will.

Naruto’s lips thinned slightly. “Not really.” Shrugging, he turned and started walking back toward the village. “They’ll be fine without me.” His voice trailed off and I almost thought I’d heard him mutter: “They’re better off,” as he walked away.

I wasn’t really sure where he was headed but I followed him and matched my pace to his once I’d caught up. We ended up walking the streets of Suna without an apparent destination in mind. The weather was still warm but relatively mild and people were finally venturing outside now that the heat wasn‘t quite so oppressive. Once again, many passerby greeted me with nods and waves. Several of them hailed Naruto as well which seemed to baffle him utterly. He waved back rather awkwardly.

“I didn’t realize so many people knew me here,” he muttered.

I felt my lips twitching in a small smile. Of course he wouldn‘t think about things like that. After growing up desperately trying to gain the attention of everyone around him, I think he still felt odd when he actually got it. Naruto was almost as special here as he was in his own village. 

“You became something of a local hero when you rescued me and brought me home.” I didn’t go into detail but he would know what I was talking about. He’d returned me to Suna after the Akatsuki had taken me and the villagers would never forget that. 

His expression was a mix of disbelief and denial when he turned to look at me. “But I didn’t do anything.”

Did he really think so little of himself? He’d drawn me back from the brink when everyone else had assumed I was gone. Even if Granny Chiyo had possessed enough chakra to cast the reanimation jutsu herself, I don’t think she could have brought me back alone. Naruto was the only one who knew me well enough to get that close, to make that connection. 

“Don’t devalue yourself.”

His face grew somber. “It doesn’t matter.”

From his tone, I began to wonder if it would really matter what I said to him. Naruto seemed determined to feel bad about everything. I felt so inadequate to help him deal with what was bothering him and it was obvious that he was still feeling down. 

“Oi, Gaara.” Kankuro came trotting up to us. “The ambassador is asking for you.” By the annoyed look on his face, I could only guess what kind of demands the man had been making.

“You can tell him I’ll be there shortly.” 

“Don’t make him wait because of me,” Naruto said as he waved me off. “Your job is way more important.”

I had to wonder about that as I had the sudden urge to tell the ambassador that he could wait until I was ready. I really wanted to stay with Naruto but I knew he would argue with me. While we hadn’t really spoken much these last two days, he tended to get sullen when I hovered and I didn’t want to upset him further. “Will you be alright on you own for a while?” I asked him without thinking.

Naruto scowled at me. “For the last time, yes. I will be fine. I don’t need a babysitter.” It was probably the most irritated I’d ever seen him, especially when it came to me. Despite intellectually knowing that he wasn’t specifically upset with me, I still felt a small pang of unhappiness.

“Alright. I’ll see you at midday.” I was hoping that I’d be able to convince him to eat something when the time came. He’d hardly touched his breakfast this morning. His lips thinned and he shrugged but he didn’t say anything. Unhappy but unable to do anything about it, I headed toward the Tower where the ambassador was waiting. Kankuro stayed behind. He’d most likely pester the blonde until Naruto told him to take a flying leap but at last he’d be keeping an eye on him while he did it.

. . . . . . .

I was disoriented and an ominous darkness surrounded me. Something was pressing against my lashes and a thick gag cut into the corners of my mouth. My fingers and toes were tingling from lack of blood flow due to the tight cords that were wrapped around my wrists and ankles. How long had I been here? Where was I? I couldn’t remember what had happened and the more I struggled to figure it out, the more my head throbbed. Everything hurt so much. The fiery sting of multiple burns and cuts spread over my whole body. I’d lost count of the number of bones that had been broken. I sensed Kyuubi and I knew he was still somewhere deep inside me. No matter how bad I was hurt, it all kept healing. 

There was a distant sense of alarm growing within me. These weren’t my thoughts, this wasn’t my body. But my control was slipping and I was having trouble gathering my sense of self. I twisted in the bindings and tried to get free. It didn’t matter if it hurt. I wouldn’t let that stop me from trying to get away. When I heard the door open, panic gripped me but my renewed struggles only made me bleed. The gentle touch on my shoulder froze me in place more quickly than any threats or torture would have.

“What will it take to make you give up?” The tone was kind and the words were hardly a whisper but I started to tremble. The bed dipped and only the sudden iron grip on my hip and shoulder kept me from trying to escape and rolling off the other side. “You’re not going to die. I won’t make you a martyr. But one way or another. . .” He leaned down and pressed his lips to my ear. “I’m going to break you.”

My eyes snapped open suddenly but I couldn’t see anything in the complete darkness that seemed to press inward on every side. I really wanted to turn the light on but my entire body felt paralyzed. My breathing was ragged and all I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears. What the hell had just happened? I don’t remember ever being that scared even when I was very young. But a terrible fear gripped me now and stole away my sense of reason. Drawing on every ounce of will I possessed, I reached for the lamp with shaking fingers. Its warm glow revealed the interior of my bedroom and the familiar surroundings started to put me at ease. 

My name was Gaara and I was the Kazekage. This was my room in the tower and there was no one in here with me. I had watched Sai and Sakura go back to Konoha earlier in the day and Naruto was sleeping in the next room. I had to repeat all of that like a mantra for a few moments so I could calm down enough to think straight.

The nightmare had been so intense and while it was happening, it was more frightening that I’d ever admit to anyone. But as my heart rate returned to normal and I woke up fully, it faded into vague impressions that had little meaning. I knew it had been very specific but I couldn’t actually remember any of the details now. I had been overwhelmed by such a strong feeling of helplessness and despair. I usually didn’t sleep deeply enough to dream at all and it didn’t happen very often. My reality had been so terrible in the past that the thought of nightmares had never really bothered me. 

I lay quietly for a while and tried to get more comfortable. I was exhausted but I found it difficult to stay still for long. It was still early and the sun had hours yet before it broached the horizon. But there was no way I was going to let myself fall back asleep again right now. As seldom as I dreamed, I had a feeling I’d fall right back into the nightmare when I closed my eyes. I glanced at the book on my night table but I doubted that I’d be able to concentrate well enough to actually read it. There was a lingering feeling of distaste and discomfort that refused to go away. The dream left me feeling unsettled and strangely. . .unclean for lack of a better word. 

I don’t know how long I actually lay there trying to get settled but it wasn’t working. Maybe I could start to relax if I took a hot bath. There was a large cavern under the Kazekage tower that housed a natural hot spring. I sometimes went there to think or when I wanted to be alone. As I got up and dressed in a black silk robe from my closet, I wondered if Naruto was having trouble sleeping as well. While I couldn’t remember much of the dream, it felt like it had something to do with him. I hoped he wasn’t having nightmares like mine. He seemed to be having enough trouble as it was.

I wasn’t quite sure what to do with him now that he was here with me. As good as the practice might be, I didn’t think he’d be happy following me around during my daily routine. Leaving him to wander the village alone and having him watched was out of the question. He was not a prisoner here and I would never treat him that way. But something told me that there would be another incident just like the last one if he was left completely to himself. Naruto was pushing himself for a reason. I wasn’t sure exactly what it was yet but it seemed deeply personal. Whenever Konoha or his friends were mentioned, he would get quiet and sad. Before they’d gone home, Sakura and Sai had been by to see him several times but he hadn’t been very responsive. 

The heat wave had broken and given the village some much needed relief. As I walked through the hallways, the air from the overhead fans brushed over my skin and made me shiver slightly. On top of my discomfort from the nightmare, my emotions were still fluctuating wildly and they were making everything much more difficult to deal with. What was I going to do about Naruto? More specifically, what was I going to do about how I felt about Naruto? The desire for closeness was sill there. I wanted to touch him, to hold him and make him feel better. But I had no idea how to do that or if he’d even want me to. I really wanted to talk to someone about it but who would I tell? 

I couldn‘t go to Temari. She had more difficulty dealing with emotions than I did. She’d grown up trying to be tough as she tried to hide her fear and show our father that she wasn‘t afraid of me. Shikamaru was good for her and I was glad that they‘d found each other. His laid back attitude gave her an excuse to take charge while his inner strength let her feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable and show her softer side. I knew she could be gentle. She’d shown it to me more than once since I’d mellowed when I came home from the Chunin Exams. 

I wasn‘t sure about going to Kankuro. If I’d been having emotional issues about a girl, he’d probably enjoy giving me a hard time about it. And he’d heap on loads of brotherly advice that would most likely be embarrassing for me and amusing for him. My brother and I had become quite close but I wasn’t entirely sure he’d understand what I was going through. I knew he had a couple of male friends that were dating each other but that was probably a lot different than having your little brother confessing his love for another male. 

Baki was the only other person that I discussed anything remotely personal with but I didn’t want to go to him either. He’d probably be more concerned with the political ramifications of the relationship than my feelings. That was something I didn’t want to get into right now. I was having a hard enough time dealing with my current issues and I didn’t need to add to them. While I was much more accepted in the village than I had been, I didn’t really have any other friends. My first impulse when I had something I couldn’t figure out was always to talk to Naruto. But he was right in the middle things and he had his own problems to deal with without having to worry about mine. It seemed that for now, I’d have to figure it out on my own. 

The air grew slightly more humid as I traveled down the stairs to the hot spring. It felt thicker than the dry air outside and I drew in a deep, calming breath. The smoothly carved rock passage was adorned with whorls and spiraling patterns that were inlaid with glowing lights. I’d read somewhere that the second Kazekage enjoyed aesthetics and his artistic influence could be seen throughout the tower. As I drew closer to the bend that opened up into the large cavern, I heard a small splash. Was there someone else down here? Few knew of this place outside of my household. I had a brief moment to consider whether or not I wanted company at the moment. But before I could decide, I had already rounded the corner. Stopping in the doorway, I gazed out over the scattered pools of steaming water. 

There was a figure crouched in the shallows, his damp blonde hair sticking up in odd directions as if he‘d been running his fingers through it fitfully. I watched the play of muscles gliding under the skin of Naruto’s back and had to bite my lip. This would do nothing to calm my inner turmoil and I could feel a pleasant yet confounding heat welling up from within. But the echoing sound of a soft sob snapped me out of my prurient thoughts. Now I could see that he wasn’t down here relaxing and having a soak. As I moved closer, his movements became sharper and more agitated. His expression was a mix of anguish and disgust as he did his best to scrub his skin raw.

I immediately stepped down into the water, heedless of the robe I still wore and waded over to where he was sitting. He didn’t seem to notice me at all until I knelt down and cautiously placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“Naruto.”

He jerked away suddenly, his eyes wide as he splashed onto his back. Naruto was shaking and I could see that his eyes were red and swollen. Recognition flared in his gaze and he immediately looked away. But he didn’t say anything. He seemed to be trying to figure out how to retreat without embarrassing himself any more than he already had. His boxers were laying in a heap by the doorway and the towels were out of reach. Swallowing hard, he curled in on himself and sniffed wetly. Without hesitation, I slipped the robe off my shoulders and held it out to him so he could have something to wear. It left me in my underwear but that didn’t matter to me. He seemed much more uncomfortable at the moment. Naruto’s eye flicked up to mine briefly before turning slightly and allowing me to help him into it. 

If he had his way, I think he might have slunk off by himself right then but I wasn’t having any of that. There were reddened patches all over his body that looked inflamed and painful. I could see a nasty spot on his forearm peeking out from under his sleeve that was weeping blood. I guided him over toward a low bench that sat next to the cabinet where we kept a store of medical supplies. This place was often used for recovery and healing as well as relaxing. 

There was another nasty spot on the inside of Naruto’s thigh just above his left knee that looked particularly bad. A trail of pinkish water trickled down to his ankle. He stiffened slightly and seemed to be fighting the urge to press his knees together as I knelt down in front of him. I moved very carefully and kept my movements slow. I didn’t want to spook him. He bunched the fabric of the robe in his lap and grit his teeth be he didn’t pull away. 

Once I was finished with his leg, Naruto relaxed slightly and remained passive while I smoothed a healing balm over the abraded skin of his arm. It was not a happy thing for me to wrap him in bandages when he’d been healed so recently. I had been wanting a chance to touch him but not while treating his wounds. Even so, I let my fingers trail lightly over his knuckles before finally releasing him. He either didn’t notice or he didn’t care. Naruto’s panic had subsided and left him listless and withdrawn. After a few tense moments of silence, he sighed quietly. 

“Aren’t you going to ask me?”

The sudden question had me looking up at him from where I knelt on the floor at his feet. “Ask you what?”

“Aren’t you going to ask me why?” His gaze was sober and a little sad as he plucked idly at the new dressings on his arm. 

“Do you want to tell me?” I asked quietly.

He seemed a little surprised that I wasn’t demanding answers of him right then and there. But despite how much I wanted to know, I was going to stick with my decision not to pry unless he wanted to share. 

Who was I to demand anything? I understood the drive to harm one’s self even if I didn’t quite know what his own reasons were. As a child, I’d found my life so painful that I tried to end it here in this very place once. The sand had always protected me and would not allow any direct attack to make contact with my body. So I’d tried to drown myself, hoping that even if my ultimate defense tried to intervene it would get the job done anyway. But a mound of sand had risen up from the depths of the spring and lifted me up out of the water. I’d cried bitter tears before finally giving up trying. That had been less than a week before Yashamaru died. 

“You look so sad,” Naruto whispered. He seemed much calmer now, almost as if nothing had happened at all. But mostly, he just looked tired.

I settled myself and sat cross legged on the ground in front of him but didn‘t respond immediately. Naruto shifted the sodden fabric of the robe where it lay on his knees and seemed to be trying to look anywhere but at me. His next question was hesitant and quiet.

“You’re not mad, are you?”

“Should I be?” 

He glared at me balefully. “Are you going to answer every question with a question?”

“Do you want me to?” When his glare intensified, I let my lips curl in a small smirk. I was rewarded with a soft snort of amusement from my companion when he realized I was intentionally poking fun at him. I regarded him for a moment before explaining. “How could I be angry with you for behavior that I’ve exhibited myself?” When Naruto’s humor instantly faded and he blinked in surprise, it was my turn to sigh. I couldn’t expect him to share his feelings with me if I didn’t offer my own. “You said yourself that I understood. And I really do. The only reason I lived long enough to meet you is that my sand defense is so complete, I can’t even harm myself.” 

He stared at me dumbfounded for a moment like he didn’t believe what he was hearing. “Why-” He stopped and bit his lip. He was aware that my childhood had been painful but aside from my brief explanation when we’d fought at the Chunin Exams, I hadn’t really told him very much. He looked at the bandages on his arms before closing his eyes. “Have you ever just wanted to make it all go away?” he asked, his voice rough.

“Yes.” It was a simple reply but not a simple answer. Only my fear of losing myself completely kept me from letting the Shukaku loose as a child. Which was ironic considering that I’d tried to end my existence more than once when I was young. It was only after Yashamaru died and I stopped caring that I actually searched for a reason to live. My gaze dropped to the floor where Naruto was curling his toes against the bare rock. I was suddenly having trouble looking at him directly. No matter how hard it had gotten for him, he’d never given up like that. He just tried harder. That’s why it was so difficult to see him like this now.

I nearly jumped when I felt the warm, tentative touch on my forehead but I held myself carefully still. Rolling my eyes up and peering through my bangs, I could see Naruto gently tracing the mark that I’d carved child. Love. I’d spent much of my life without it and vowed only to love myself. Somehow I’d managed to break that vow and the realization startled me. Naruto paused suddenly, his eyes widening as if he was just now realizing what he was doing. Without a word, he stood abruptly and hurried from the cavern leaving wet footprints in his wake. I stayed there alone long after he’d gone and wondered what I was going to do now.


	7. Chapter 7

The next afternoon, I was sitting on the rooftop eating lunch. In my free time, I was usually in the gardens or up on the cliff wall to the west. But this was one of my favorite places. Naruto was sitting at my side and I was having as much trouble getting him to eat now as the day his teammates had left. He’d picked and nibbled at the food I brought but I think it was more so I’d stop pestering him than anything else. I didn’t like it but short of force feeding him, there wasn’t much I could do. Neither of us had said anything about the night before in the hot spring but at least he wasn’t actively pushing me away. 

I felt a sudden stirring in the sand particles floating around us and I turned to look just as a huge presence appeared on the roof. When the dust settled, a giant toad was sitting there with Jiraiya perched on its back. I‘d been expecting him so his arrival wasn‘t a surprise to me but security would probably be in a lather because he’d most likely gotten in without them knowing. 

“There you are, Naruto,” Jiraiya said, his tone jovial. 

“Hey, Jiraiya.” The blonde’s reply was quiet and flat.

Naruto hadn’t even looked up when the other man appeared as he sat on the ledge looking out over the village, his expression far away. Since his back was turned, he didn’t see the stricken look on the older man’s face. I was pretty surprised myself. I’d only ever heard him refer to the Sannin as Pervy Sage. It was a rather irreverent address for his sensei but between them, but it had become a strange yet fitting term of endearment. Several more presences moved in closer and we were suddenly surrounded by four Anbu. 

“Stand down,” I said immediately and stood ready just in case any of them made a move. I was Kazekage but depending on where their loyalties lay, there was the possibility that some of them would get overzealous. They might go so far as to take Suna‘s defense into their own hands before they knew what was really going on. But fortunately, they merely took in the scene at a glance and nodded before disappearing again. They were probably heading off to report back to the council members who were keeping an eye on me.  


“Good response time,” Jiraiya murmured as he hopped down from his unconventional mount and landed lightly on his feet. The toad nodded at Jiraiya and Naruto, who still wasn’t paying much attention, before disappearing as quick as he’d arrived.

“Kankuro and Baki took your advice to heart,” I told Jiraiya. “They’ve been making changes accordingly. Suna won‘t be caught off guard so easily again.” 

Jiraiya was a master at infiltration and in the weeks that followed my return to Suna, he’d worked with Kankuro and Baki to make our security tighter. He’d been on an extended intelligence gathering mission since then but as soon as he’d heard of Naruto’s disappearance and rescue, he’d contacted me immediately.

“That’s good to hear,” the other man said as his gaze landed on Naruto. The blonde had been quiet during the whole exchange and didn’t seem to notice what was going on around him. Or maybe he just didn’t care. Jiraiya and I exchanged a brief yet meaningful glance before he plopped down next to his student. He sat shoulder to shoulder with Naruto and leaned in to speak to him quietly.

I silently excused myself to give them some privacy. Jiraiya was sometimes more like a grandfather to Naruto than a teacher and there was a small part of me that envied their relationship. But I was glad for it now. He needed guidance that I couldn’t give and hopefully the older man would be able to help him. At the very least, he might be able to distract him from his problems which weren‘t showing any signs of being resolved. Naruto still hadn’t put on his leaf headband which was not a good sign. Up until this point, I’d never seen him take it off except to sleep when he was at home.

On the way downstairs, I ran into Kankuro who was racing up towards the roof. I put out a hand to stop him so he wouldn‘t disturb Jiraiya and Naruto. He pressed against my hold for a moment before finally coming to a stop and blinking up at me.

“One of the captains said somebody just appeared up on the roof.” He seemed alarmed that someone had slipped in and just a little angry. The Anbu must be keeping their own council if they hadn’t told him anything after leaving my sight. I’d have to have a word with them about that. We couldn’t afford not to keep the lines of communication open no matter what was going on.

“Jiraiya just arrived,” I replied calmly.

Kankuro relaxed visibly and I could see him thinking. “That’s good, I’ve got a couple things I want to ask him.”

Before he could move past me, I turned him around and prodded him back the way he came. “He’s with Naruto right now. Leave them be. I’m sure he‘ll be down to see me later.” 

Kankuro grumbled something under his breath but there were no real arguments. He’d been worried about Naruto just as much as I was and he was frustrated from the lack of answers the blonde was giving us. He slowed a little so we were walking side by side. 

“Has Naruto said anything to you yet?”

“No, nothing.” 

Aside from the brief exchange at the gate when Sai and Sakura had returned home and the our short talk last night, he hadn’t said much to me. Or to anyone. He kept to himself mostly and stayed in his room much of the time. He wasn‘t even spending any time training at all which was really unusual for him. And since our interlude last night at the hot spring, Naruto had become even more quiet and withdrawn. I made no mention of him spending time with me at work and neither had he. I wasn’t going to push him. His current position of ambassador was not really official anyway. It was primarily to keep him safe and away from Sasuke if he really was lurking around Konoha. Maybe Jiraiya could shed some light on that particular situation when he came to see me.

“I’ll check back later to see if the two of you have some time. I’d like to review all the recent reports and get his opinion.” Kankuro sounded slightly distracted as he continued on down the stairs after we’d reached the floor where my office was located. I didn’t like it when he became so preoccupied with work that it bordered on obsession. It had gotten really bad after I was taken and there were times when I went out of my way to try and distract him. Just then I had a sudden thought that was juvenile and completely inappropriate. And I knew he’d appreciate it if it didn’t just piss him off. 

Creating a small, loose ball of sand with the contents of the pouch I always carried at my belt, I hurled it straight at him. It seemed like I might hit him square in the back of the head but at the last moment, he leapt out of the way and landed lightly on the banister as he turned to face me, ready to fight. When he realized there was no danger and the only other person there was me, he frowned. I tilted my head to the side and gave him an innocent look.

“Just making sure you were paying attention,” I said. He was quiet long enough to make worry that I had upset him. But after a moment, he just shook his head and huffed a chuckling breath. 

“It always catches me off guard when you do things like that. In a good way,” he added with a wry smirk. “Your sense of humor is weird. But I like it.” He watched the scattering of sand as I drew it up off of the floor and brought it back to my pouch. I didn’t carry my gourd around the village but I always had a small portion of sand with me. With just a handful, I could always create more if the need arose. 

“I don’t know when Jiraiya will come see me. Do you want me to send for you?” I asked him.

Kankuro shook his head as he continued on down the stairs. “I’ll come by later and see what you’re doing.”

I watched him go for a moment more before he heading to my office feeling a little bit lighter. 

. . . . . . .

The day had faded into early evening by the time Jiraiya finally slipped into my office. I poured him a cup of tea from the pot on my desk which he accepted with a nod. He seemed to read the questioning look in my eyes.

“Naruto’s in his room.” Jiraiya frowned. “He doesn’t sulk like this very often. Has he told you what happened yet?”

“No.” I closed my eyes and sighed quietly. “Everyone seems to think that he’ll open up to me but he hasn’t really said much at all. Did he say anything to you?”

“Yes and no.” The other man seemed extremely troubled by that and I didn‘t blame him. “He didn’t tell me what happened but he asked me some worrisome questions.” Jiraiya stared into his cup and didn’t seem inclined to share just yet. That was fine, I had some questions of my own.

“What’s Konoha’s current opinion of Naruto? The council members specifically.” Despite my suspicions, I still hadn’t ruled them out as being responsible for Naruto’s disappearance. 

Jiraiya raised a brow and tilted his head slightly as if he were trying to figure out what I was thinking. I was treading the line slightly here. He was under no obligation to answer me. Konoha and Suna were allies but there were still limits to how much information we were required to share. Jiraiya sipped his tea thoughtfully before he finally answered.

“The people of Konoha have become quite fond of him. Every time he does something unpredictable that turns into a victory, they realize that he’s not the monster that they always believed him to be. Some are truly beginning to regret how they treated him as a child. But there are those who don’t like how much freedom he’s been given.” He shrugged. “But at this point they’re a minority.” No names were mentioned but I hadn’t really expected him to offer any.

“Are there any people that would take action to keep him confined in any way?” I watched him over the rim of my cup and tried to gauge his reaction. Up to this point, I hadn’t shared any of my theories about what had happened to Naruto. When I’d sent the letter to Tsunade telling her that I’d found him, I hadn’t given her any details.

“Perhaps,” Jiraiya said carefully. “But I don’t think they’d dare. At least not right now. Naruto’s popularity is far too high at the moment for them to risk the people‘s anger.”  


“Are you sure?”

“Is there a specific reason you‘re asking?” Jiraiya had narrowed his eyes and was watching me with guarded suspicion. I didn’t blame him for being evasive. He was just doing his job and protecting internal village affairs. I would have done the same in his place. Setting my cup down, I slid a folder across the desk and watched his reaction carefully when I spoke.

“He was tortured.”

Jiraiya’s eyes immediately hardened. He didn’t ask me why I thought that. Instead he picked up the folder and scanned the contents. It was the medical report cataloguing Naruto’s recent injuries and his overall condition when he’d been found. 

“No one in Konoha would do this,” Jiraiya said quietly as he closed the folder carefully and set it back on the desk with what looked like an extreme amount of self control. “Tsunade would never stand for it and those few who don‘t care for Naruto would be more likely to imprison than injure him. They‘d have nothing to gain by torturing him like that.” By the time he was finished talking, his voice had taken on a dangerous edge.

It was a relief to hear that Konoha was probably not involved in what had happened. I don’t think I would have gone to war over this without solid proof but it certainly would have strained relations between out two villages. There was no way I could condone that kind of treatment, especially when it was done to one of their own. Even enemies were treated better than that. It narrowed down my list of people responsible. 

“You said Naruto asked you some worrisome questions.”

Jiraiya sighed heavily and leaned back in his chair. I could see him thinking and considering what he wanted to say. “He asked about Orochimaru.” When my attention sharpened suddenly, he waved a hand dismissively. “About when he was younger. The man is well and truly gone now.” 

That was small relief. It was rumored that Orochimaru’s influence remained even though he‘d reportedly been killed by Sasuke. I drummed my fingers on the surface of my desk. I’d never really thought about Orochimaru as a younger man. Suna had its own intelligence on him and his past activities but there was still a lot we didn’t know. Konoha kept its own council about the matter which was expected. No one wanted to admit that they‘d failed so miserably with one of their own. But here was the man who knew more about Orochimaru than anyone else alive. They’d been teammates when they were younger along with Tsunade, the current Hokage. 

“I wonder why he would ask about him,” I mused aloud. Why was Naruto suddenly interested in the past?

“He wanted to know what made me finally give up on him.” Jiraiya’s voice was very quiet.

I’d heard that Jiraiya had spent a lot of time chasing after his former teammate after Orochimaru left the village. It was a lot like the way Naruto kept going after Sasuke. “Is Sasuke still being sighted around Konoha?” I asked him.

The other man’s attention focused on me. “No. It seems he’s moved on for now. He was spotted in the Land of Rivers heading north. He might be moving toward the Land of Earth. Relations with them are still strained and I‘ve had trouble getting information out of anyone there.”

Sasuke hadn’t been spotted by any of our patrols. It seemed that he was skirting around the Land of Wind which was a smart decision on his part. He really didn’t want me to find him if my suspicions were correct. I wasn’t sure why he’d suddenly decided to turn on his teammate but it didn’t matter. He’d never touch Naruto again if I had anything to say about it. 

“You think he had something to do with it.” Jiraiya’s tone was frank and it wasn’t a question.

I gave him a level look in return. “Don’t you?” After reviewing the medical file and hearing the questions that Naruto had asked, he had to be thinking it. 

“Perhaps. There are other things to consider and I don’t want to rule anything out. But this doesn’t seem like something the Akatsuki would do and I‘m not sure who else would be strong enough to catch him.”

“I’m inclined to agree with you.” I took another sip of my tea, ignoring the fact that it had gone cold. “Whatever happened is still bothering him and it’s more than just the torture itself. I’m worried. I want to help him but I’m not sure what to do.” I tried to ignore the dull pain that was growing in my chest and had to fight the urge to pluck at the fabric over my heart.

“I’m glad he’s here with you,” Jiraiya said gently. “If anyone truly understands him, you do.”

“But I don’t know what to do,” I said, as exasperation clawed its way to the surface. Feelings of helplessness were rising within me and I had to force myself to relax. Being responsible for a nation suddenly seemed so much easier than being responsible for the feelings of someone I truly cared about. 

“He’s not used to having someone to rely on and he has a tendency to keep things to himself.” Jiraiya smiled, his expression a little wistful. “You’re probably going to have your hands full trying to get him to open up. And he needs to get it out no matter what it is. Holding it in will only harm him in the long run.”

I’d seen the fake smile Naruto had shown Sakura, like he was trying to hide what he was really feeling on the inside. I ran a hand through my hair irritably. “I don’t have much experience with this sort of thing myself.”

“When you’re both ready, you’ll know what to do.”

“That was delightfully vague, thank you,” I said dryly.

Jiraiya chuckled, unperturbed. “I have faith in you.” 

“Everyone seems to lately,” I muttered. The realization was both comforting and alarming at the same time. I should have been keeping my own council about my personal feelings but there was something about Jiraiya that made me want to talk to him. And part of me was desperate to confide in someone. “Sometimes I’m not sure if they should.”

“I’d be worried if you thought you had all the answers.” Jiraiya‘s gaze softened. “But you know better than that. You wouldn’t have gotten so far otherwise.”

I sighed. “Forgive me for burdening you with my problems.” 

“Not at all. You’re perhaps one of the youngest to gain the title of Kage. Given what you’ve been through, you’re handling the position admirably.”

I was momentarily at a loss for words. With the exceptions of my siblings, the opinions of those around me concerning my position tended to be more surprised than supportive. It had gotten better but it wasn’t often that I received praise from someone I admired myself. “Thank you,” was all I could think to say.

“As for Naruto, I believe he’s safest here with you.” 

“I’ll do what I can to help him.”

“Please do. Iruka is beside himself with worry and Kakashi has been trying to figure out an excuse to come here without actually asking permission.” His expression sobered. “It was a good idea for Tsunade to assign him here for now. Even though Sasuke has backed off, I don’t think Naruto is ready to come home yet.”

I could believe that. Naruto had strong ties to his village, but so far he hadn’t mentioned going back even once. I would have thought that he’d want to throw himself back into missions to get his mind off of what he was feeling. Wallowing in unhappiness wasn’t like him. 

“Will you be staying?” I hoped that Jiraiya was planning to stick around for at least another couple of days.

“I’m afraid not. I have several leads on the Akatsuki that I need to follow before they go cold. Coming here was a risky detour but I had to see him.” It was obvious that he didn’t want to leave and he heaved a deep sigh. “Naruto told me to go.”

That was surprising. Before all of this had happened, Naruto and I had talked quite a bit about our experiences and thoughts. Well, he had done most of the talking while I listened. He said that he’d practically begged Jiraiya to spend more time with him while he trained when he was younger. It was worrisome that he would send his mentor away now. 

“Will I be able to reach you?” I wanted to keep him posted just in case. 

Jiraiya bit his thumb and performed a summoning jutsu. A small toad appeared on the desk in a puff of smoke. There was a scroll tube on its back and a bored expression on its face. It glanced around the room before turning to glare at Jiraiya.

“It’s dry,” it croaked irritably. 

Jiraiya ignored the complaint. “If you need to contact me, give him a message and he’ll be able to find me. Just make sure there’s water available and he’ll be fine. If anything changes, please let me know. I worry about Naruto.”

The sound of a rough throat being cleared caught my attention. The toad had turned his glare on me. “Well?” he asked peevishly.

I had to think for a moment. I didn’t have a contract with a summoned animal and had never needed to handle the demands that were the price of being able to call on them. Naruto sometimes complained about how pushy the toads could be. Remembering the toad’s earlier complaint, I looked around the desk and my gaze settled on the shallow bowl of fruit and the pitcher of water that sat there. I dumped the fruit out onto the desktop and filled the bowl with water from the pitcher. The toad inspected it critically before hopping in and settling so that only his nose and eyes broke the surface. He let out a small, bubbly sigh and seemed relatively content. 

Both Jiraiya and I looked up when the door opened and Kankuro stepped in. My brother paused and took in the submerged toad with a puzzled expression. The toad ignored him.

“I’m not interrupting am I?”

I waved him in. “No, come in. If you still have any questions, now is the time. Jiraiya was just about to leave.”

“Is Naruto okay?” Kankuro asked as he came over and sat in the other chair in front of my desk. It warmed me to hear my brother ask about Naruto’s welfare before he launched into his own questions. 

Jiraiya seemed a little surprised by that but he covered it well. “I’m glad that Naruto will be looked after while he’s here,” he said.

It was hard to tell under the makeup but I think Kankuro flushed a little. “I- it’s just that-” He huffed, suddenly flustered. “I don’t like seeing him like this.” 

“Neither do I,” Jiraiya admitted. “I don’t know any more than you and unfortunately, I won’t be able to stay. What questions did you have?”

The two of them spent the next hour discussing security details around the village and conferring on border patrol reports. Most of it I already knew and it appeared that Jiraiya did as well. He seemed to be prolonging the conversation and appeared to be trying to procrastinate but before long, there wasn’t anything else to talk about except to speculate about Naruto. We were probably all thinking about him. I knew I was. 

“Well,” Jiraiya said finally. “I need to go. Please let me know if anything changes.” 

“I will.” I didn’t have to escort him to the door. His fingers twirled in a complicated pattern and he disappeared from the chair in a puff of smoke.

“Sure, don’t bother to say goodbye or anything,” the toad muttered.

Kankuro’s gaze flicked from me to the toad and back again before he opened his mouth to ask something. But he just closed it again and shook his head. “So, what do we do now?” 

“We watch and we wait.” And hoped for the best, I added silently. 

“Where’s Naruto?”

“Jiraiya said he was in his room earlier.” I closed my eyes and concentrated. There was a cloud of particles hovering around Naruto’s balcony and I reached out to feel for his presence. It would be easier to use my third eye but I was already infringing on his privacy enough as it was. I could feel the low hum of his chakra inside and I pulled my awareness back into myself. I’d worked on my range when I started practicing with my new abilities. The sand had to be infused with my own chakra but my reach could extend as far as the edges of the village. When I opened my eyes again, I could see Kankuro eyeing my suspiciously.

“What were you doing just now?”

“What makes you think I was doing anything?” I almost blurted out that I was checking on Naruto but I remembered at the last second that I hadn’t shared some of my new abilities with anyone else yet. And it seemed like poor timing now. But it was odd that Kankuro had noticed. As far as I knew, his chakra sensing abilities were next to nothing. “I didn’t think you could sense chakra,” I said carefully.

He shrugged. “I can, but only yours. And you were doing something but I‘m not sure what. That wasn‘t your third eye.”

“No, it wasn’t. Naruto is upstairs in his room.” I didn’t elaborate which made my brother narrow his eyes further but the expression slowly turned into a smirk. Fortunately, he seemed either amused or impressed enough that he wasn’t going to press the issue. 

“Handy trick, whatever it is. No wonder you’ve been able to give the Anbu the slip all the time.” 

The door opened and Temari stuck her head in. “Dinner’s almost ready. Should I go get Naruto?” She bit her lip and seemed unsure of what to do.

I shook my head. “No. I’ll bring something up to him in a little bit.” Something told me he wouldn’t want company right now. He’d pushed his mentor away and I didn’t want to risk having him do the same to me. Temari nodded once before she stepped into the room and closed the door behind her.

“Is Jiraiya gone?”

There was another burbling mutter from the bowl on my desk. “Of course he’s gone. Can’t keep that man in one place for more than five damned minutes.”

Temari blinked and stared at my office’s new occupant. I eyed the small puddle of sloshed water that was slowly soaking into a nearby stack of papers. I’d have to find a better place for him to be. Maybe the greenhouse. Shaking her head and trying not to let it bother her, my sister flopped down in the chair Jiraiya had vacated. 

“So what do we do now?” She split her glare between the two of us when Kankuro chuckled and a small smile started to pull at my lips. “What?” She asked belligerently.

“We were just talking about that,” Kankuro said with a grin. 

She eyed him for a few more moments before turning back to me. “Naruto didn’t eat breakfast this morning.”

“I know,” I said. Lunch hadn’t been much more successful.

“Konoha’s going to think that we’re starving him or something.”

“It’s not like that,” Kankuro said with a sour look. “He’s recovering. It’s just taking a while. And since when have you cared what people thought, Temari?”

“Since everyone has been getting so edgy. The world is changing and village relations are important. Or had that even occurred to you while you were scurrying around battening down the hatches?” she shot back.

I leaned back in my chair and let my gaze wander as they continue to fume at each other. Like Jiraiya had said about Naruto, it was best if they got it out now. Holding it in would just make the frustration build up until they exploded, perhaps violently at an inopportune moment. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the toad cross his arms and prop them on the edge of the bowl.

“Are they always like this?” he murmured.

“Only on good days,” I replied tiredly. Suddenly I was exhausted. Turning my head to look at him, I asked, “So what’s your name?”

He seemed a little surprised, like nobody had ever bothered to ask him before. “Gamadenrei,” he said after a moment. 

“Would you be happier in the gardens? There are flowers and trees and a small pond there.”

He tapped his webbed fingers on the edge of the bowl as he considered it. “Yeah, that would be nice. If you need anything from the toads, just let me know. The boss may bitch and complain a lot, but he really likes Naruto. We all do.”

“That’s good to hear,” I said quietly. On the other side of my desk, Kankuro and Tamari were winding down and were now sending each other dirty looks. I’d kept half an ear open while I talked with Gamadenrei and neither of them had said anything too nasty. Or at least nothing that they really meant. “Are you two done?” I asked them. They both turned to me like they’d forgotten I was there.

Temari got to her feet. “Dinner’s probably ready by now. We should go.”

“I’ll take you to the gardens when I’m finished,” I said to the toad. 

Gamadenrei nodded and settled back down in the water. “Take your time. I‘m good here for a while.”

Temari opened her mouth to say something and then thought better of it. She preceded us out the door and we headed down to eat.


	8. Chapter 8

A week passed and nothing changed. I struggled to keep doing my job while Naruto grew more withdrawn. He barely spoke a word to anyone, least of all to me. The only good thing that could be said was that he didn’t stay locked in his room the whole time. He went on long walks though the village by himself, usually ending up on the cliff wall watching the sunset. Fortunately, he never tried to leave the village on his own. 

By this point, I really had no idea what to do. Waiting for things to work out on their own wasn‘t working. I knew he wasn’t going to get better overnight but I hadn’t seen any improvement at all so far. There were times that I wondered if I really wanted to intervene for his sake or if it was just for my own because the situation was making me uncomfortable. I hated seeing him unhappy and I would do anything to fix it. I just didn’t know how to make it happen.

It was late in the evening and darkness had settled over the village. I was mulling over my options as I stripped out of my Kazekage robes and slipped into a pair of soft, black sleep pants. I was tired and it felt like the fatigue never really seemed to go away anymore. It was almost like suffering from insomnia again only this time I wasn’t worried about being overtaken by the Shukaku. I was afraid that if I took my eyes off of Naruto for too long, he’d slip away from me entirely. The thought of losing him was terrifying.

Flopping down on the bed, I did my best relax so I could sleep. Thoughts were crowding my mind and it was difficult push them away. The envoy from the Land of Snow had finally gone home relatively satisfied but his demands had been replaced by those of the Wind Lord‘s envoy. It seemed that the feudal lord was going to try his hand at influencing the village like he had with my father. On top of that, the village council was trying to subvert my authority subtly by delegating village responsibilities behind my back. They seemed to be under the impression that I wouldn’t notice. Kankuro was still obsessing over border patrols and Temari was spending most of her time at the academy trying to prepare. I was left to try and hold everything together while I juggled my worry over Naruto with everything else. None of those things were helping me sleep.

After laying in the dark for quite a while, I let out a long, irritated sigh and sat up. I immediately recoiled when I looked around and saw that I was no longer in my room. Somehow, I was now surrounded by shadowed, craggy rock walls. There were piles of sand everywhere and the air felt very dry. Was I dreaming? I didn’t even remember falling asleep. 

A deep voice echoed off the walls. “There is still a problem,” Kyuubi grumbled. 

“Where are you?” I couldn’t see him anywhere and this didn’t look like the interior Naruto’s mind. Was it mine? If that was the case, there was no way Kyuubi could exist here.

“I am not really here,” he replied to my unspoken question. “The only way I can contact you now is when your mind is between wakefulness and sleep.”

Which explained why I didn’t remember falling asleep. I hadn’t. “Why would you want to do that?” I hadn’t even spoken this much with the Shukaku when he’d been a part of me. I wasn’t quite sure what the fox wanted now but since he’d said there was still a problem, I could guess what he meant.

“The internal seal is still partially in place,” he said.

That threw me off a little. I figured he was talking about Naruto but I knew nothing of a seal. The medics hadn’t found anything when they examined him before his release from the hospital. But I supposed that didn’t mean much. They hadn’t even been sure what was wrong with him when he was brought in to begin with. But if there was still a seal, I didn’t think there was anything I could do about it. I wasn’t even sure if I should. Standing up warily, I brushed myself off. The sand particles hung suspended in the air and I found I could move them with my will. At least I had my abilities this time.

“What do you want me to do?” 

“The seal can only be removed from the inside. You must get Naruto to break it.”

“So you can take him over completely? I don’t think so.” If there was something keeping the demon contained, I saw no reason to meddle with it.

Kyuubi growled and I felt a wash of anger flood the cavern. But there was no edge to it. It appeared that the fox had the same kind of limitations here that I’d suffered when I’d connected with Naruto and freed him. “He is not well,” Kyuubi said. “I know you have seen this. The longer he languishes in his pain, the more likely it is that he will never recover.”

Truthfully, that was something that I’d been afraid of myself. The further Naruto pulled into himself, the harder it would be for him to come back. But it didn’t seem connected to Kyuubi’s complaint. “What does that have to do with the seal?” Perhaps it would be a good thing to have an extra layer of security to control the fox. 

“Your efforts weakened it temporarily but it will spread once again. Eventually, it will envelop Naruto’s own chakra until it is sealed away completely.”

That was a potentially serious problem. Naruto’s entire life was the pursuit of becoming Hokage. If he couldn’t be a ninja, I’m not sure what he would do with himself. It was the only thing that he had and losing that would crush him completely. “Have you talked to Naruto about this? If it‘s such a problem, shouldn‘t you convince him to do it yourself?” The blonde had asked me before if the Shukaku had ever tried to talk to me. At the time, I had thought it was because Kyuubi was trying to convince him to do something. 

“He will not speak to me.” There was a heavy sigh on the air. “I had thought it was because I could not reach him, but now I fear it is merely because he refuses to answer.”

Well, at least I wasn’t the only one being ignored. For some reason that pleased me a little and I wasn’t sure what it said about me. “I will try to talk to him.”

“Do not try,” came the sneering reply. “You’ve done nothing but watch and wait and it’s gotten you nowhere.”

“I’m not going to force him to talk to me.” I could feel my own frustration rising. “And it really hasn’t been that long. He needs time to work through what’s bothering him.”

“And I’m telling you that you don’t have any time left.” The silence hung heavy between us before a cruel hint of mockery entered Kyuubi’s voice. “But by all means,” the fox taunted. “Continue as you were. If he means so little to you, just let him slip away. I‘m sure you have more important things to do.” The sudden venom dripping from his words might have startled me but I was too angry to be surprised. The sand began to shift around the cavern as the swirling particles became agitated by my anger. It had been a long time since I’d been this furious. 

“You have no idea how much he means to me,” I said, my own voice heated.

“Neither does he.”

That stopped me. How could Naruto not know? Everybody else seemed to know exactly what I was thinking lately. But as soon as I asked myself the question, I already knew the answer. He didn’t know because I’d never told him. I’d been so afraid of sharing what I felt because I was worried that I’d lose him. But if I did nothing, I’d lose him anyway. The clouds of sand slowed and finally settled on the ground. 

“Alright.” Even if Kyuubi wasn’t telling the whole truth about what the seal was going to do, I knew I couldn’t sit idly by anymore. 

“Good,” was all the fox said before his presence gradually faded. Soon the light faded as well and when I opened my eyes again, I could see the dim interior of my bedroom. It was still dark and according to the clock on the nightstand, less than an hour had passed since I‘d gotten into bed. Sleep seemed ready to claim me now that Kyuubi had imparted his message and I’d made my decision. The last thought I had before I really fell asleep was about how I was going to slip past the Anbu tomorrow morning so I could talk to Naruto alone. 

. . . . . . .

The next morning, it was no surprise to see that Naruto had left the tower before breakfast. I didn’t have any pressing appointments until noon and I fully intended to slip out on my own to find him as soon as I finished eating. At the dining room table, Kankuro eyed me over the rim of his rice bowl like he knew I was planning something. I calmly kept eating for a few minutes before speaking.

“I’m told that if you hold expressions like that for too long, your face will get stuck that way,” I said off-handedly. My brother’s scowl merely deepened. Temari glanced between the two of us and snorted.

“I think that boat has long since sailed,” she said with a smirk. But after a moment, she sighed and looked at me. “But you’re not fooling anyone, Gaara. Where are you going this morning?”

I blinked at her in mild surprise. I hadn’t told either of them what I had on my mind lately and it was worrisome that they could read my intentions just by looking at me. “What makes you think I’m going anywhere?”

Temari set down her teacup. “Don’t look so alarmed. It’s not completely obvious or anything and I don’t think anyone else but the two of us would notice.” She shrugged. “But you get a certain look on your face when you’ve made a decision about something big or when you’ve got some sort of plan.”

Kankuro ran a hand through his hair. “She’s right. Something’s up.”

“Don’t worry. It’s nothing dangerous.” Or at least I hoped it wouldn’t be. Naruto would never intentionally hurt me but when his emotions ran high, he could get pretty destructive when it came to his surroundings. “I just need some time to myself this morning.” Which wasn’t entirely true. I was going to find Naruto and get him to talk to me one way or the other.

“Let us know if you won’t be able to make your afternoon appointments,” Temari said. 

“Yeah,” Kankuro added. “We’ll reschedule if we have to.” Neither of them seemed inclined to argue or try to convince me that there were other important things that needed my attention. We all knew there was work to be done but they seemed to understand how important this was for me even if they didn’t know what I was going to do.

“Hopefully, rescheduling won’t be necessary,” I replied. 

But we’d have to see. I didn’t want to make any assumptions about how things would go. I knew I was probably blowing the whole situation out of proportion in my mind but I couldn‘t help it. There was a quavering sensation growing in the pit of my stomach that was making breakfast sit uncomfortably. It always amazed me how emotions could affect me physically. As if it wasn’t bad enough to feel the emotional pain all by itself. When I finished eating and reached to take care of my dishes, Kankuro reached out and placed his hand on mine.

“I’ll get it. Go do what you need to,” he said.

“And let us know if we can do anything,” Temari added.

I honestly didn’t know what I’d do without them. After being alone for so long as a child, my younger self had always assumed that I’d be on my own forever. But things had changed for the better and my siblings had become a constant in my life. After I met Naruto, we’d finally become a family. “Thank you. Both of you,” I said to them quietly. It used to be a surprise to all of us when I thanked them but it was so natural for me now and they just smiled and nodded.

Outside, the sun had risen and the sky was clear. I had decided against wearing my robes of office and dressed in my ordinary black pants and maroon coat. I wanted to approach Naruto as his friend and not as the Kazekage. I also left my gourd at home. I rarely carried it within the village anymore because I didn’t need to. My range was wide enough that I could call the sand to me from anywhere within the walls of Suna. 

The cloud of particles I’d scattered earlier told me exactly where the Anbu watchers were. It seemed they’d gotten flustered at how often I slipped their grasp because there were more than usual today. But I didn’t want to waste any time physically sneaking by them or creating a distraction. Raising my chakra, I called on my will. My body slowly crumbled and blew away on the breeze as a cloud of sand. It was the quickest way to get where I wanted to go. 

It didn’t take me long to find Naruto. He was up on the cliff wall staring towards the east and I wondered if he had watched the sunrise or if he was gazing towards his home. His shoulders were slumped and his clothes hung off his frame. The black and orange jacket was unzipped revealing the plain black t-shirt beneath and he still wasn’t wearing his headband. The shadowed circles under his eyes seemed darker in the sunlight. Along with not eating, I didn’t think he was getting much sleep either. Gathering myself together, I reformed my body a few feet away from him. He didn’t move or openly acknowledge my presence. 

“Good morning, Naruto,” I said quietly.

“Hn.” A soft grunt was his only reply.

I had no idea where to start or what to say. My initial greeting had been difficult enough and I wasn’t sure where to go from here. It could easily get complicated and extremely uncomfortable. It was so difficult to find words. After several tense minutes of indecision, I decided to simplify things and settled on being blunt and honest. “I’d like to talk to you.”

“About what?” His tone was wary and he glanced at me out of the corner of his eye.

“You’ve been really quiet.” And that just wasn’t normal for him. I wanted to see him healthy and happy. Perhaps it was a naïve wish but it didn‘t stop me from wanting it anyway. It wasn’t going to be fixed immediately but I had to start somewhere.

Naruto shrugged and looked away again. “Haven’t had much to say, I guess.” 

“We’re worried about you.” I groaned inwardly. That wasn’t how I wanted to say it. It was too vague and I cursed myself silently. “I’m worried about you,” I clarified.

Naruto huffed. “Well you can stop it because I‘m-”

“You’re not fine so don’t even say it,” I snapped. 

He looked at me in surprise and mild alarm. It was probably the first time I’d ever raised my voice to him since we’d become friends. But I wasn’t going to put up with his excuses anymore. Not when I could see him steadily slipping away from me. His shock faded and his expression twisted into an angry frown. 

“Why are you mad at me?”

“I’m not.” I wasn’t really mad. I was frustrated with him for being so stubborn and with myself for so easily losing my temper. I had to be careful about what I said and how I said it. Telling him I was sorry afterwards wouldn’t make up for any hurt I might cause in the process. The damage would already be done. “I told you, I’m worried,” I said. “And I know something’s not right. It’s really hard to hear you keep denying it. You can‘t keep holding it in.”

Naruto’s expression was still angry but there was hurt there as well and it made me ache. He took a shuddering breath and seemed to be trying to contain himself. “If it bothers you that much, then I’ll just go.” Turning abruptly on his heel, he prepared to leap away.

Fear and worry propelled me. I couldn’t let him run. There was no telling where he would go or what he might do. I took hold of the surrounding sand and a huge wave rose up to engulfed us, creating a large dome. Naruto halted in the sudden darkness and I heard him mutter a curse. I raised my chakra to create a soft glow in the interior of the dome and saw the blonde trembling slightly.

“What are you doing?” he asked, his voice low and just a little dangerous.

“You’re not leaving until we talk.” It was a risk penning him up like this. There was no telling how he’d react and the initial results weren’t promising. But I meant it. I couldn’t let him continue to hide. Jiraiya himself had said it would hurt him to hold his pain inside. I knew how damaging that could be firsthand. Sighing, I tried to soften my tone. “I want to help you.”

“Well you can’t so just leave me alone.” His petulant denial did nothing to ease my worry.

“I’m not going to do that,” I said as gently as I could. 

“Why?” His voice had taken on a pained edge as he whirled to demand answers. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Because I care about you.” I almost said love instead of care but stopped myself at the last minute. This wasn’t the time to get into that. I needed to help him with his pain, not ease my own because this wasn’t about me. And I had been leaving him alone up to this point but that was part of the problem. 

Naruto‘s shoulders slumped further. “You shouldn’t. Nobody should care about me. I’m not worth it.”

I’d never seen him with such low esteem for himself. He’d always had such confidence no matter what was going on around him or what other people thought. “What happened to you?”

Naruto licked his lips nervously and looked away from me. “I told you, I don’t remember.”

I think that was the first time he’d ever lied to me. He was always so innocently honest about everything. Of course, there the was the possibility that he was lying to himself as well but his tone and refusal to make eye contact told me otherwise. “No, I can see that you do.”

“Maybe.” He looked like he desperately wanted me to change the subject and he tried to bargain his way out. “I just need time to deal with it.”

I would have loved to give him time, but if there was any truth to what Kyuubi had said, we didn’t have that luxury. But I was hesitant to mention that. Bringing up the fox might complicate the issue and depending on how low Naruto had gotten, I wasn’t sure he would bother to save himself even if he knew. Even as I watched, he grew more withdrawn. The only thought I could discern from his expression now was a desire to get out of the dome so he could get away from me and what I was forcing him to admit. If I could push him, just a little, maybe he might get irritated enough to push back. I felt terrible about it but I didn’t think I had many options left.

“You’re not dealing with it, you’re hiding.” No reaction. Naruto stared at the ground and refused to look at me. Being careful might not get me anywhere. I shoved down the uncomfortable feeling that was growing in my gut and ignored the pang in my chest the next words caused. “I never knew you were a coward.”

Naruto’s head snapped up and his wary expression became angry and puzzled like he hadn’t quite been paying attention. “What did you just say?”

“I said you’re being a coward. I’ve seen you tear into selfish people who are acting the way you are now.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” His irritation was growing and it was obvious that he really didn’t want to be here. Turning away from me, he placed his hand flat on the interior surface of the dome before pulling his fist back and trying to punch his way out. I had dredged up hard minerals from the earth and used them to make an unbreakable barrier but I didn’t want him to hurt himself. The sand suddenly softened in that one spot and let his fist plow though harmlessly. But as soon as he pulled his hand back, it reformed smoothly. Naruto let out a frustrated growl. 

“Let me out, Gaara.”

“No.”

“Why won‘t you just leave me alone?” he pleaded.

Because he was hurting himself and everyone around him. 

Because I had to do something to help him. 

Because I loved him. 

The last thought no longer terrified me like it might have months ago. It was true and there was no way I could deny it. When we’d first met, I barely spared him a glance. Now he’d become as vital to me as breathing and I couldn’t bear to see him in pain. But I was afraid that I might have to hurt him a little before he could really heal, like leaching the poison from a wound. “You’ll never become Hokage if you let something like this beat you.” Whatever this was. I still wasn’t exactly sure. 

Naruto was shaking and his eyes had narrowed. “You have no idea,” he hissed.

“No, I don’t. You haven’t said a damned word to me in almost a week.”

“I‘ve been doing fine. . .” he trailed off and glanced at me like I might snap at him again for using the word. There might have been a glimmer of hope in his eyes but it that was probably my imagination. Naruto he shook his head and his expression turned angry again. “Talking won’t fix anything,” he said finally.

“How do you know if you won’t even try?”

“Because it won’t!” Naruto raised his voice as his fear and discomfort overrode his common sense. “If you don’t get out of my way, I’ll make you!” He shifted nervously like a cornered animal. But while he was getting angry, I didn’t see any signs of Kyuubi’s chakra. Was that because of the seal or was the fox refusing to be a part of Naruto’s stubbornness?

I crossed my arms over my chest. “You can try. But there‘s only one way out of here and that‘s to start talking.”

Naruto leapt at me and despite days of inactivity, he was still fast. Normally, my ultimate defense would automatically raise a shield of sand to fend off all attacks. But if Naruto needed a target that badly, I’d give him one. Holding back the sand, I shifted and let the hit pass harmlessly by my ear. If he couldn’t get it out in words, maybe he could work through it with his fists. Naruto spun and aimed a kick at my ribs. My fighting style was primarily medium to long-ranged but that didn’t mean I’d let my Taijutsu slide. Twisting my torso out of the way, I crouched and swept my leg across the ground as I tried to knock him off he feet. He back flipped to avoid me but when he landed, his left foot slipped on a loose stone and he stumbled. 

I made no move to take advantage of the opening and let Naruto come to me. As soon as he regained his footing, he came back at me with a flurry of kicks and blows. I had to concentrate to keep the sand from activating and blocking all of his hits but I was able to avoid them on my own easily enough. Naruto’s breath had already started to become heavy. Lack of sleep and decent meals were slowing him down and sabotaging his natural stamina. 

Bringing his hands together in a familiar sign, Naruto cast the Shadow Clone Jutsu. It was a testament to how distracted he was that he hadn’t used it until now. It was usually his first move to test out an enemy’s defenses. I spent the next few minutes dodging angry clones from every angle. Spinning, kicking, and punching, I dispersed them all in startled puffs of smoke until only the original remained.

Naruto came at me again. “I just-” Punch. “want-” Kick. “to be left alone!” he huffed hoarsely.

“I won’t let you sabotage yourself,” I told him. “You’re better than this.” My own breathing had become labored but that was more due to suppressing the sand shield than any physical exertion. 

“You don’t know anything!” Naruto spun and tried to come at me from another angle.

“Only because you haven’t told me.” I gripped his wrist and took hold of his arm with my other hand. Using his own momentum, I rolled him over my hip and tossed him to the ground. When he didn’t immediately rise, I began to worry that I’d gone too far. But I heard him growl into the dirt so I knew he wasn‘t unconscious. Naruto pressed his forehead into the ground and pounded his fists in frustration. 

“Just leave it alone.” 

“I can’t,” I said between deep breaths. 

Naruto lifted his head slightly before rolling his eyes up to glare at me. “I’ve beaten you before. I’ll do it again.”

I said nothing. In his determination to beat me, he was showing more life than he had in days which was hopefully a good sign. But I was pretty sure he couldn’t win since I was the one who had the edge here. I was fighting to protect someone who was precious to me even if he didn’t know it. Getting slowly to his feet, Naruto gathered himself in a fighting stance before coming at me again. I wasn’t sure if he was avoiding using his Rasengan because he didn’t want to get serious with me or if it was because he didn’t have enough chakra to generate it. The Shadow Clones seemed to have drained him quite a bit.

After several more failed attacks that got increasingly weaker, Naruto paused and braced his hands on his knees. I waited patiently for him to catch his breath. When he rose again, he glared at me sullenly. “What do you want from me?”

“Tell me what happened. It‘s not healthy to hold it in.” I kept my tone soft. He was worn down and there was no need to antagonize him further. It didn’t seem to help calm him much.

“It’s none of your business!” he spat as he straightened and began to pace back and forth while he looked for an opening in the sand dome. I could have told him not to bother. It was just as strong as when it was made. 

Maybe it wasn’t any of my business but his ongoing denial just increased my determination to find out what had happened. I pulled in the walls of the dome about a foot, decreasing the space inside and bringing him closer to me. Naruto shot me an angry look. For every minute he remained silent, I would do it again. The dome had started out about thirty feet across. By the time it had gotten down to half that distance, Naruto looked about ready to snap. He bit his lip hard and appeared to be trying to calm himself. Perhaps he was finally going to give in. 

I was encouraged enough by this to let my guard down but I shouldn’t have. When he came at me this time, it must have been with every ounce of strength he had left. The body blow sent me flying backwards and right through the wall of the dome. The sand softened to let me pass before slithering down into harmless piles due to my concentration finally breaking. I rolled and got to my feet as Naruto kept coming. It seemed that the emotional dam holding in his troubles was on the verge of breaking.

“You really want to know?!” he yelled in my face as he attacked me again. “Is that the only way I’ll get you off my damned back?!” Naruto was practically screaming, his anger pushing every blow to the limit and I was hard pressed to keep up with the force of the attacks. “It was Sasuke. Is that what you want to hear? Are you happy now?”

I had suspected as much after talking with Jiraiya but hearing him utter the name with such ferocious anger surprised me. Naruto had been chasing after Sasuke for years even though everyone had told him to give up. Was he recovering from the emotional trauma of being tortured by his best friend? Or had the reality of Sasuke’s character and his activities really hit him that hard? No, that couldn’t be it. At least not entirely. It felt like there was more to it than that. “You’ve fought him before,” I said. “What was different this time?” 

Naruto’s desperation was taking its toll but he kept pushing. “Because-” His voice had taken on a harsh edge and his breaths were starting to wheeze. “Because-” He stopped abruptly and the silence was almost deafening.

We were almost there. One last push. “Just tell me.” There were another few moments of silence before I tried again. “Naruto-”

“Because he raped me!”

The words hit me like a blow and my thoughts went completely blank. I didn’t even have the presence of mind to block the next hit and my head snapped to the side as Naruto’s fist plowed into my jaw. I sprawled gracelessly on the ground and fought to overcome the sudden ringing in my ears. I had no idea. The possibility had never even occurred to me. It took everything I had to look up and meet Naruto’s gaze but he wasn’t really looking at me. His eyes were wide and unfocused, his expression a mix of horror and panic. I began to wonder if this was the first time he’d really acknowledged what had happened to him. 

As his whole body began to tremble, I saw that he was taking small gasping breaths without exhaling. He was going to pass out if he kept going like that. 

“Naruto.”

He wasn’t listening. I wasn’t even sure he could hear me. Getting gingerly to my feet, I approached him cautiously. 

“Naruto.” 

Still nothing. His complexion was starting to get red from the strain. I finally gripped his shoulders and shook him.

“Naruto, breathe!”

He screamed. All the air he’d taken in came out in long, tortured cry of pain and anguish. When his knees buckled, I instantly reached out and caught him. I ended up sitting on the ground hard with Naruto in my lap. So much pain. It reverberated through me, making my heart ache and I suddenly wondered where I would go from here now that I’d seemingly gotten what I wanted.


	9. Chapter 9

I sat on the hard rock of the cliff with Naruto cradled in my lap. After letting out that pain filled scream, he’d collapsed and now he was crying in jagged, heaving sobs. The dam had finally broken and it was all rushing out.

“Whyyyyy?” he wailed.

I had no real answer. There were guesses I could make but none of them were particularly helpful or comforting. Sasuke had crossed a line. There was absolutely nothing he could do in my eyes to redeem himself for his actions and the next time I saw him, he was going to die. White hot fury burned within me but before it could become overwhelming, Naruto hiccupped and sobbed into my shoulder. There was nothing I could do about Sasuke now and Naruto’s wellbeing was far more important than vengeance. I held him tight as he curled into me and cried, his entire body shaking with the force of his tears.

“He said he w-wanted to b-break m-me.”

A flash of memory became suddenly clear: “You’re not going to die. I won’t make you a martyr. But one way or another. . .” He leaned down and pressed his lips to my ear. “I’m going to break you.” All the recent nightmares that I couldn’t remember when I woke up came back in a sudden wash that made me slightly ill. The helplessness and the fear. They hadn’t been bad dreams. Those had been memories. Naruto’s memories.

“W-what’s wrong with m-me?” His choked question snapped me out of my thoughts.

“Nothing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, Naruto,” I murmured as I rocked him where we sat. My heart was breaking. I’d never felt such pain for the sake of another person before but it didn’t surprise me to feel that my own cheeks were now wet. 

I don’t know how long we sat there but it took quite a while for Naruto’s sobs to die down. When he was finally quiet, he seemed completely exhausted from both the fight and the emotional release. I felt a brief flicker of panic as he went completely still in my arms. But his breathing had merely slowed to an even pace and his heart was still beating steadily against mine. Just passed out. Holding him for a little while longer, I tried to calm myself down so I could think clearly. I needed to take Naruto back home but I didn’t want a crowd. The moment I was seen carrying him though the village in this state, we’d be escorted straight to the hospital no matter what I said. But he didn’t need medical care. AT this point I think he just needed sleep.

Drawing on my will again, I prepared to head back the same way I’d arrived. I’d never done it with another person but something told me it would work because it was Naruto. When he’d brought me back with Granny Chiyo’s help, he’d used his own chakra to do it. I liked to think that there was still some part of him within me. At the very least, we had an extremely close connection and I counted on that to make this work. It took more effort and a lot of concentration but we slowly dispersed in a cloud of sand and drifted across the village. Maneuvering toward the tower, I reformed the both of us on the balcony outside my window.

After taking a moment to steady myself from the transition, I stood and gathered Naruto in my arms so I could carry him inside. He felt so thin and fragile. I knew he hadn’t been eating well, but I hadn’t realized how much weight he’d lost. It saddened me but I had to believe that things would get better from here. Even if he didn’t get better immediately, at least he’d taken the first steps toward healing. Laying him down gently on my bed, I removed his shoes and pulled his jacket off. He didn’t move at all while I did this and remained limp. I didn’t expect him to wake for quite a while and I seriously considered having Temari reschedule those appointments. I didn’t want Naruto to wake alone.

It was nearly an hour later before I finally heard him stir. I’d been dozing in a chair by the bed and a quiet exhalation snapped me awake. Naruto was laying on his side facing me and his expression was wounded and unhappy.

“They were all watching,” he said softly.

“What?”

“The village. They watched. He made all of Konoha watch while he-” Naruto stopped and closed his eyes as if it pained him to speak.   
Did he mean that literally? I didn’t think so since Tsunade and Jiraiya had said nothing of it. Some of my thoughts must have shown on my face because when Naruto looked at me again, he shook his head. 

“I know it wasn’t real. I know it up here.” He raised the fingers of one hand to tap his forehead. Then he clutched at his shirt with the other and his fingers bunched up the fabric right over his heart. “But in here. It felt so real. And their eyes. They all looked at me like I was garbage. Like they’d known all along and it didn’t surprise them. Then they all just. . .walked away. They left me there. With h-him.” His voice began to crack.

Now I was starting to understand. As if it hadn’t been bad enough to be abused and tortured by a friend that was close enough to be a brother. Sasuke had tried to break Naruto’s spirit completely by preying on his childhood pain and fear. He’d used his Sharingan to make him believe that every bond he’d worked so hard to forge was meaningless. I had to fight to keep the fury off my face as I watched a single tear slip from those watery blue eyes. It wouldn’t do any good to get angry. Some of my sand had already started to rise and it swirled ominously around the mouth of the gourd. It helped push away some of my own pain but it was a poor substitute that would most likely fester until it consumed me. 

“Sakura spit on me.” It was a timid whisper and I had to strain to hear it. “In the Genjutsu vision. And then when she came here to Suna for real-” Naruto bit his lip. “I could barely look at her. I know she was worried and she was just trying to help. . .but all I could see was the l-look that had been on her f-face in the vision. The total disgust when Sasuke made her-” He sniffed wetly. “No. When he made the hallucination version of her watch him. . .do things to me.” 

The tears were starting to stream in earnest now and I almost told him to stop. But I’d asked for it. I’d pushed, and bullied, and forced him to do this, to tell me what had happened. I’d be the coward if I couldn’t at least listen to what he had to say. Because he needed to talk to someone desperately. I could see that. He both needed and hated it. Naruto kept flinching as he talked like he expected me to walk out and leave him in disgust like the dream villagers in the Genjutsu-induced vision had. But I sat quietly and attentively while I did my best not to show him pity. That would only make it worse. Instead, I offered him a box of tissues which he accepted with fingers that were only shaking slightly. 

“But that was later. He just beat the crap out of me at first.” Naruto frowned and blew his nose noisily. He tossed the tissue in the waste basket with more force than necessary. Anger seemed to be pushing aside the hurt for a moment. “It was so damned frustrating. He really wanted to fight me but it was hardly fair. It was like I had no chakra at all. I couldn’t even call on Kyuubi. Not that I tried to do that right away or anything,” he added hurriedly as he glanced at me. “I promised I wouldn’t do that anymore.”

And I believed him. He’d once injured Sakura badly while channeling the nine-tails’ energy. Initially, he’d had no memory of the event but once he’d been told what really happened, he’d strived to use his own power and nothing else. There were only a few things I could think of off the top of my head that could have temporarily robbed him of his power. “Was it some sort of seal?” I asked him.

“I don‘t know. All I knew was that I had no strength to fight him. And he liked it. He liked being stronger than me and he kept shoving it into my face and telling me I would always be weaker.” Naruto’s eyes welled up again. It seemed that his emotions were tumbling him up and down and the sadness had returned. “What did I do?” he asked meekly. “What did I do to make him-”

“You didn’t do anything.” I hadn’t really intended to interrupt him but I wanted to stop that thought right in its tracks. “This was not your fault.”

“But if I’d only tried harder. Back in the valley that first time. Maybe if I’d been stronger. . .”

I’d heard this argument before. “Naruto,” I said carefully. But fortunately I didn’t have go on. He plucked idly at the blanket and crushed a damp tissue in his other hand. Deep down I was pretty sure he already knew there was nothing he could have done then or now to stop Sasuke. “You managed to get away. It’s over,” I told him.

“No,” Naruto said, his voice low and petulant. “I didn’t. He. . .he let me go. He left me outside the village gate. Naked. I-I-” He swallowed hard. “I was dizzy and it was really hard to think. I don‘t remember much but I knew that I couldn’t face them. The villagers. I couldn’t.” Naruto refused to look at me. “So I ran.”

He seemed almost ashamed that he’d run away but there was no way I could fault him for that. His ties to Konoha had been used as a weapon to make him believe his home was no longer safe. Abused, exhausted, and possibly drugged, he’d run to the only other place he could think of. It was a bittersweet feeling to know that he felt safe here in Suna with me. His confidence had been severely shaken but I knew he’d get it back. He’d get stronger. He always did no matter what happened. It all depended on what it would take to make him believe it.

A loud gurgle broke the silence and Naruto’s cheeks flushed a delicate pink. I tilted my head to the side a little as a small smile tugged at my mouth. He placed a hand over his stomach and looked mildly uncomfortable as he bit his lip.

“I’m ah-” Naruto plucked at the blanket. “I’m kind of hungry,” he said quietly. His eyes flicked away from me almost like he was embarrassed to admit it.

“I think I can find something. I‘ll be right back.” I took it as a good sign that he was hungry. It was a small step but an important one. The Kazekage suite included a kitchen area with a small stocked pantry. As much as I appreciated my siblings, there were times when I enjoyed solitude more. I heated some soup and a small bowl of rice while I brewed a pot of tea. When I brought everything into the bedroom on a tray, I saw Naruto had shifted to the edge of the bed so he could get up. He blinked up at me and his face flushed again. 

“I didn’t mean for you to-”

I gave him a patient look. “I know. But I wanted to.”

Naruto’s expression softened and he glanced away again. But instead of arguing, he settled back on the bed and let me set the tray in his lap. I sat back in the chair with my own cup of tea while I watched him eat. He was smart enough not to inhale everything immediately even though it looked like he wanted to. He hadn’t eaten much while he was here and Sasuke had most likely only given him just enough to keep him alive while he‘d been held captive. When Naruto was finished, he stared at the empty bowls like he wished they were full again. But ultimately, he sighed and set the tray aside. He looked around the room and seemed to notice his surroundings for the first time.

“Is this. . .your room?” 

I nodded. “Yes. And you’re welcome to stay as long as you wish.” I wasn’t going to stop him if he wanted to sleep in his own room but I was pleased when he lay back on the bed and relaxed. His eyes began to droop and he looked like he was about to fall asleep again. 

“I feel kind of empty,” he mumbled as his brow furrowed. 

“After letting all of that out, I’m not surprised.”

He curled up on his side and looked at me as his lips twitched in something that might have been a faint smile. “Thanks for being a jerk earlier.” The humor shifted somehow and his eyes shimmered. “I g-guess I needed that.” 

I went over and sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry,” I said quietly as I took his hand. I really hadn’t wanted to hurt him. Even though he didn’t seem to be holding it against me, I’d said some hurtful things that I could never take back.

“It’s okay.” Naruto said just before yawning so wide his jaw cracked. Sighing softly, he squeezed my hand. “You’re a good guy Gaara.” His eyes closed and soon he was asleep, his breathing deep and even. I don’t think anyone had ever said that about me before and I had trouble swallowing around the growing lump in my throat. 

I should have headed to my office to get some work done or asked Temari reschedule those appointments. But I couldn’t make myself get up or even remove my hand from Naruto‘s. So I sat and watched him sleep for a while and wished I could be closer to him. But the timing was terrible and it was really inappropriate. There was no way I could take advantage of him while he was this vulnerable. The most I could let myself do was smooth a stray lock of hair from his forehead. His lashes were damp from the tears and there were still lines around his eyes and mouth. He frowned suddenly and muttered something in his sleep. Was he having another nightmare?

“Naruto?” I placed a hand on his shoulder and tried to wake him gently. But his eyes remained tightly closed and his breathing started to get ragged again. What was happening now? 

I reached out to take his pulse and as soon as my fingers brushed his skin, the world seemed to tilt and everything went dark. It wasn’t unlike when Kyuubi had pulled me into Naruto’s mind the first time. And true enough, when I opened my eyes I was in a darkened hallway with several inches of chill water lapping at my ankles. If anything, it was almost colder now than the last time I’d been here and I shivered. But it wasn’t quite as dark. There were lines and symbols trailing along the walls and ceiling, their unfamiliar patterns glowing with a sickly purple light. 

The seal. I’d completely forgotten about the seal.

As I attempted to gain my bearings, I tried to remember where Kyuubi’s chamber was from here. Naruto would most certainly be there. I had no idea what condition he’d be in when I found him but I knew something wasn’t right. There was a sense of wrongness that I couldn’t quite shake and I hurried down the corridor. When I finally reached the large room that contained the fox’s cage, I stopped in the doorway. The chamber was thick with lines and symbols that trailed down to form a huge, circular pattern on floor. Naruto was kneeling in the center with his head bowed. He was shirtless and barefoot like he’d been when I first found him in the desert. The streams of purple light were slowly coiling around him from the ground up. 

“Naruto!” 

He didn’t move. I wasn’t even sure if he could hear me. On the far side of the room, an angry pair of red eyes peered out from behind the bars. I could just barely make out Kyuubi’s form in the shadows. He was tethered down on all sides to the small rise inside the cage by a multitude of sealing chakra strands that gave off the same purple glow. His muzzle was tightly wrapped so he could only growl angrily. But even if he‘d been free, I didn‘t think he‘d be able to help. When I stepped forward, a figure appeared inside the center seal just behind Naruto. 

Sasuke. 

Was he really here or was this just an image that he left behind? There was no way he could physically be in Suna. Even as powerful as he was, our security was too tight not to have picked up on something. No, this was most likely some sort of psychic shadow left behind to torture Naruto after he’d been released. I snarled angrily and reached for my sand only to find there was nothing to reach for. Just like before, I had no power here but I couldn’t let that stop me. 

“Get away from him,” I hissed. 

Sasuke said nothing. I might not have any chakra right now but I was going to do something even if I had to tear apart the seal and Sasuke’s shadow with my bare hands. But before I could make a move, two shimmering snakes glowing with that same purple light sped toward me. They were too fast for me to avoid them and they quickly wound around me from my ankles up to my shoulders.

“Naruto.” I struggled to free myself but the snakes coiled tighter around me. My arms were trapped at my sides and with my legs bound tightly together, I quickly lost my balance. Falling to my knees, I let out a pained gasp. “Naruto!” I called again.

Sasuke’s mouth twisted in a cruel smile as he placed his hand on Naruto’s head. It was a casual gesture, like he was petting a dog. I growled and wished for the first time in my life that I had the Shukaku back. I took a breath to yell again but one of the snakes wrapped tightly around my mouth, silencing me. The other coiled loosely around my throat. Sasuke threaded his hands through Naruto’s hair and yanked his head up sharply. The blonde’s eyes were distant and unfocused and he didn’t react to the rough handling. He wasn’t even struggling against the seal that continued to slowly wind its way up his body.

I grunted in pain as the snakes squeezed me tighter. I twitched feebly in their grip and only their crushing embrace kept me upright. Sasuke reached out towards me and flicked his fingers. A sudden burst of electricity engulfed my whole body, making my muscles twitch and spasm. My back arched painfully and I let out a muffled scream when it finally became too much to bear quietly. Through the rushing sound of my own frantic pulse in my ears, I thought I heard a tentative whisper.

“Gaara?”

Naruto? Was he aware at last? The brief thought slipped from my grasp as waves of pain assaulted me and the coil around my throat began to cut off my air. My lungs began to burn and my body was in agony. As I choked for breath, I wondered if it was possible for me to die here. 

“Gaara-” 

Naruto’s voice sounded a little louder but that could have been because everything else was fading away. Black was encroaching on the edges of my vision but all I could do was flex my fingers helplessly. At the edge of my awareness I could feel something growing, something powerful. I blinked by eyes and struggled to see what was going on. Through the haze, I could see a fierce blue glow growing in the center of the circle. Naruto’s focus had narrowed dramatically and he was angry. More angry than I think I’d ever seen him. The energy centered on him, it’s blue glow intensifying until it was difficult to look at directly. 

“GAARA!” 

He let out a scream of rage and the energy suddenly blew outward. The purple symbols and chakra threads dissolved. Sasuke’s shadow blinked in mild surprise and raised a hand but it couldn’t stand up to the onslaught and it dissipated into nothing like a popped soap bubble.

The shockwave hit me like a blow and I was thrown backwards. The snakes binding me disappeared and I sprawled on my back in the water while I choked in coughing breaths. The cold water soaked into my clothes and wet my hair. I was suddenly chilled to the bone so badly that I wasn’t sure I’d ever be warm again. And then Naruto was at my side. He took my hand and suddenly there was warmth again. 

“Gaara.” 

When I opened my eyes we were in my room again. I was sitting on the floor and my cheek was resting on the edge of the bed. Naruto still held my hand and he was looking at me anxiously from where he lay curled on his side beside me.   
“Are you okay?” he asked me quietly.

I tried to nod but the effort was too daunting. “Yeah. I’m okay.”

“Good.” Naruto smiled and it was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen. Squeezing my hand, he sighed. “For the first time since everything happened, I think I will be too.” And then his eyes closed. This time when he fell asleep, he relaxed completely. 

I wished I could do the same. My whole body was one giant ache. Glancing at the clock, I saw that less than an hour had passed. I needed to find Temari and head back to my office. But when I got up and wandered around the bed to get to the door, I couldn’t go any further. I sat down heavily on the other side of the mattress. Five minutes. All I needed was five minutes to pull myself together so I could function. I laid down on the bed fully clothed. There was a brief moment when I felt the strangeness of sharing my personal space with someone else. But it was Naruto. There was nothing strange about that. If anything, it felt strangely right and I was able to relax.

As soon as I closed my eyes, I opened them again and found myself in the shadowed, sand-filled caverns of my own mind.

“You did a satisfactory job. The seal has been broken.” Kyuubi’s voice rumbled through the air. 

“But I didn’t do anything.” And I hadn’t really. I’d done nothing but end up needing to be rescued which bothered me a great deal.

“Oh, but you did. I knew your presence would make a difference.”

I narrowed my eyes. “You were the one who pulled me in.” And had nearly gotten me killed. 

“It was necessary. The Uchiha left his chakra imprint upon the seal which would have closed off Naruto’s abilities forever unless he fought back. He did not have the will to save himself but I knew he would fight for you.” 

A thought occurred to me. “During all of this, how was Sasuke able to subdue you?” Kyuubi was incredibly powerful and was rumored to be the greatest of the tailed beasts. The only reason Naruto wasn’t overwhelmed and taken over was the Tetragram seal imprinted on his abdomen that kept the fox in check. 

There was a rumbling sigh that sounded rather petulant. “The Uchiha clan is an ancient blood line that has a specific affinity with me. Sasuke has the ability to suppress my power.”   
That was worrisome. If Sasuke and Naruto ever came face to face again, Naruto would be at a distinct disadvantage. “Is there any way to overcome it?”

“If Naruto was in complete control of my powers, I believe that would be enough to counter the Uchiha’s hold.” Kyuubi chuckled. “But at this point, that is not possible for him.”

“I think he might surprise you,” I said. I had every confidence that Naruto would be able to gain control. He was the strongest person I knew.

“Perhaps. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.” The mocking disbelief in Kyuubi’s tone said he didn’t think it was possible at all. I could have argued but I let it go for now. The fox sighed and sounded tired. “For now at least, the immediate danger has passed.” 

His voice began to fade as the light grew dimmer. I could feel the soft grip of sleep waiting and I had no choice but to give in to it. 

. . . . . . .

I was having the most wonderful dream. And I knew it was dream, it had to be. The air was warm with the scent of melted wax and spice with a hint of musk. And a very nude Naruto was wrapped around me. The rumpled, dark silk sheets on my bed pooled around us as the candles created a dance of flickering shadows on the walls. My beautiful Naruto. Limbs intertwined, our sweat-slicked skin allowed use to glide against one another as I explored every inch of his body. Soft, tanned skin. Sapphire eyes. Naruto’s cheeks were flushed with pleasure and his sunshine spikes were damp and tousled. I’d always wanted to see him like this. So wanton and relaxed. He deserved to enjoy and be enjoyed. I pressed a soft kiss against his lips as he murmured my name. 

“Gaara. . .”

I woke slowly and continued to enjoy the tingling waves of arousal. The dream had been so vivid, the images and sensations so clear, that they were still lingering after sleep deserted me. There was a small voice in my mind that said something wasn’t quite right about that but I was having trouble caring at the moment. My skin was slightly damp with sweat and my half hard erection was beginning to press against the inside of my underwear. The warm weight against my side shifted and I was forced to finally open my eyes. 

Naruto was snuggled up against me with an arm draped across my waist and one of his legs tangled with my own. I froze and tried not to breathe. A brief flash of guilt assaulted me. I shouldn’t have been enjoying the way his body fit against mine or how his warm breath brushed gently against my collarbone where his head rested on my shoulder. But as comfortable as I was, I knew it couldn’t last. Naruto was vulnerable right now. Wherever my feelings might lead me, I couldn’t follow them right now. He needed to heal first. And there was also the possibility that even when he was finally healthy and happy, things might not turn out the way I wanted.

Sighing softly, I gently detangled myself and crept off towards the bathroom so I could shower and change. The sun was shining outside in the east. We’d slept all night and I’d never made it to my office. I wasn’t looking forward to talking to Temari because she’d most likely give me a hard time. But I’d deal with that when the time came. I paused in the bathroom doorway and glanced back at Naruto. He’d curled up on the bed in my absence and pulled the blankets closer around him. I felt a small smile pull at my mouth. As long as he was okay, nothing else mattered right now. Retreating into the bathroom, I got ready for the day.


	10. Chapter 10

When I got out of the shower, Naruto was gone and I felt a small pang of disappointment. I was really hoping that he’d still be there curled up on my bed. But I did my best to hang onto the memory of how warm and close we’d been earlier. My first impulse was to go check on him and make sure that he ate something for breakfast before I went to work. I worried that he might withdraw again if he was left alone but it was probably better if I gave him some space. Yesterday had been intense and I wasn‘t sure how awkward it would be when we finally talked again. So I made the bed and busied myself with other small tasks to keep my mind off of it. When it got to the point that I couldn’t procrastinate anymore, I sighed and headed for the door.

But when I opened it, I stopped abruptly and froze. Naruto was standing in the hall with his hand poised to knock. He had a startled expression on his face and his mouth was partially open as if he were about to say something. I caught the fresh scent of soap and saw that his blonde spikes were damp. He hadn’t retreated back into himself. He’d gone back to his room to shower and change into fresh clothes. He blinked a few times as if here was trying to figure out what to say.

“Uh,” he started slowly. “You were kinda taking a long time. I just wanted to see if you were hungry.” As he finished speaking, his stomach gurgled loudly and he gave me a sheepish grin. 

“I was just on my way downstairs,” I said and smiled back at him.

His eyes flicked away a little nervously and he shifted self consciously where he stood. It seemed that he wasn’t quite himself yet which wasn‘t surprising. But after a moment, he took a deep breath and nodded. There was a sudden sense of rightness that seemed to fall into place just then. Naruto’s usual glow had been reduced to a bare twinkle but it was growing brighter all the time. We stood staring at each other for a short while and continued smiling until Naruto’s stomach protested loudly again. It just made us smile wider. Eventually, he flushed and looked away before leading the way downstairs.

When we got to the dining room, Temari and Kankuro were already eating. They looked tired and worn out but when they caught sight of us, their eyes widened and they stopped with their chopsticks half way to their mouths. When they finally got over their initial shock, Kankuro stood abruptly and moved off toward the kitchen. Temari set down her cup and eyed us both critically. 

“Gaara, are you alright?” Before I could answer, her eyes flicked to Naruto. “Are you alright?”

Naruto blinked at her in confusion for a moment like he wasn’t sure why she would ask him that. “Yeah, I’m okay,” he said finally as he sat down and drummed his fingers nervously on the table. 

“You both had us worried,” she said with an irritated frown. 

Taking my seat at the table, I gave her an apologetic look. “I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my appointments yesterday.”

Kankuro came in with a tray of loaded dishes and another pot of tea. “Yesterday? The two of you have been sleeping for almost three days.” He offered the plates to us which and Naruto accepted eagerly. I was a little more subdued but if I was honest, I’d have to admit I was starving as well.

“Three days? No wonder I feel so rested,” Naruto said around a mouthful of rice. He’d started in on the food as soon at it was put in front of him. 

Temari continued to glower. “This is the second time in a month that you’ve both scared the crap out of us.”

“People have started asking questions,” Kankuro added. “We kept you at home instead of the hospital because we‘ve been trying to keep it quiet. But we were getting ready to have you both moved if there was no change today.” 

To give them credit, they didn’t ask us what happened. Probably because they figured that I’d tell them if they really needed to know. But I was going to keep the information to myself. It was far too personal to share and Naruto would have to decide if he wanted to tell them or not. Picking up my tea, I took a tentative sip.

“How loud are the petitioners getting?” I asked.

Kankuro shrugged. “They’re not making any more noise than usual and the Jonin council is handling it well enough. But a leader of one of the smaller lands came here to see you the day before yesterday. She‘s rather upset that she had to wait.” He rolled his eyes. “But it sounds like she’s rather full of herself if you ask me. Like she’s entitled just because she’s a lord’s daughter.”

I had known there were feathers that would need to be smoothed due to my sudden absence so this was no surprise to me. “I’ll speak with her when I’m finished here.” I continued eating and glanced at Naruto who seemed totally focused on his food. But I could tell he was listening. He paused between bites and nibbled at the end of his chopsticks. 

“I’m really sorry,” he said

I sighed but didn’t correct him for apologizing. Naruto was potentially fragile at the moment and I didn’t want to create any discomfort by giving him a hard time. As long as he didn’t get carried away, we’d be fine. “It’s alright,” I told him gently.

“Can I come with you? I mean. . .if it’s still okay and all.” Naruto scrunched his nose up, an expression I’d come to associate with intense thought on his part. “It wouldn’t be a breach of security or anything would it? I know we’re allies, but I’m still from another village.”

It was a rather astute thought for him. Indeed, there were things that I wouldn’t be able to divulge to him due to security restraints. He wouldn’t be able to sit in when I handed out missions and handled requests from other lands for example. It was both a matter of security and maintaining the privacy of the petitioners. But as for meetings, as long as the people that came to meet with me were agreeable, it shouldn’t be a problem for Naruto to be present. And it might help him make important contacts that he could use when he became Hokage.

“I don’t think it will be a problem. Just let me ask her first.”

“Okay. I’ve got something I’ve got to do first anyway.” He blew out a breath and suddenly seemed uncomfortable again. “I’ve gotta write a couple letters. Sakura’s probably still really worried and I want to let her know I‘m okay. And. . .crap. I was such a jerk when Pervy Sage was here and I totally blew him off. I should apologize but I have no idea where to find him.” Slumping in his chair, he thrust his lower lip out and sulked. “He‘s hard enough to get a hold of on a good day,” he muttered.

“I believe I can help you with that,” I told him. “I was going to send him a message anyway.”

“How? He’s always off doing research or infiltration or something. Even Grandma Tsunade has trouble reaching him. It drives her crazy.”

“He left a messenger toad here that will be able to find him.” I watched his eyes widen a little in surprise. “Write your letter and we’ll head over to the greenhouse at lunch and send it.” 

He brightened and smiled before finishing his food quickly and hopping up out of his chair to head for his room. 

“What’s gotten into him?” Kankuro asked me. “He was so down before. Whatever you did, it looks like it worked.” He seemed mildly surprised by that but I wasn’t offended. I was pretty surprised too. Emotional stability was never something I thought I’d ever be able to offer to another person. I continued watching the door long after Naruto had gone through and didn’t say anything immediately. 

“He’s doing better,” I said after a little while. I still wasn’t going to tell them anything yet. Instead, I asked Temari to send the lord’s daughter to the smaller audience chamber in an hour. That would give me time to get things together in my office and make up for being away for a couple of days. And it would also allow Naruto take care of what he needed. 

The stacks of paperwork on my desk were not as bad as they could have been. Kankuro and Temari had taken care of the less demanding forms to keep things under control while I was out. After taking stock and prioritizing what I needed to do for the day, I went to meet my visitor. The room I’d chosen was smaller and more intimate in an attempt to keep the meeting less formal. But it was well appointed enough that hopefully she wouldn’t feel slighted. Baki joined me with two other council members. She would most likely have her own attendants as well. I settled myself on the cushion in the center of the low dais and motioned for her to be let inside. 

Lady Haruna, the Daimyo of the Land of Greens, had come looking to open trade between our lands. Why she’d chosen to go through me instead of the Feudal Lord of Wind, I didn’t know. But I wasn’t going to turn down a chance to get closer to other countries and make connections of my own. She and her two attendants greeted me with respectful bows but I noticed that hers was a little stiff. 

“Good morning Haruna-sama.”

“Good morning, Gaara-sama.” She smoothed her formal robes over her knees and gave me a very chilly look. It was a subtle snub for her to use my name instead of my title but I chose to ignore it. She lifted her head in a slightly arrogant posture. “It is always the habit of Sunagakure to keep visitors waiting with no explanation?”

As she was speaking, the door slid open and Naruto stuck his head in. “Hey Gaara, I. . .oh. Sorry.” When he saw my visitor I thought he might duck out again. But as he got a closer look, a smile spread across his face and he came inside. “Haruna-chan!”

Haruna blinked in confusion but I could see recognition dawning in her eyes. The chilly attitude melted away and it was replaced by a warmth I hadn‘t expected. “Naruto? Is that you?”

He grinned and plopped down next to her on the floor. “Yup, it’s me. How have you been?”

She took a moment to settle herself and regain her composure before she answered. “Good. I mean, really well.”

“Good,” Naruto said with a smile. “I hear that the Land of Greens is doing pretty well and the rebuild is going better than expected. I knew you could do it.” Naruto was beaming at Haruna and a faint blush stained her cheeks. She recovered quickly and did her best to change the subject.

“Thank you. But what are you doing here?” She glanced from him to me and back again. Her gaze settled on the leaf headband at his brow as if she were checking to see if he had changed villages. It was good to see him wearing it again.

“I came to visit Gaara. He’s a good friend of mine.” Naruto wasn’t completely lying but I could see a flash in his eyes as he remembered how he’d really gotten here. But he shrugged it off and did his best not to let it bother him. “So what’s up?”

Haruna seemed to be trying to figure out what to say. She clearly hadn’t expected Naruto to be here and his presence had disrupted her train of thought. There was a reason he was known as Konoha’s number one unpredictable ninja. Haruna smiled at him and the expression was genuine. “The Land of Greens is interested in a mutual trade agreement with Suna. We have a lot to offer each other.”

“That’s great!” Naruto beamed at her and when he turned that smile on me, I basked in its warmth. “It’s really important for everybody to work together.”  
Haruna regarded him thoughtfully. “Yes, it is. Please forgive me for my earlier rudeness, Kazekage-sama.” She inclined her head to me. “These are trying times and it seems that my patience is not what it should be.”

“I should be the one to apologize,” I said. “It was not my intention to keep you waiting so long.”

Naruto blinked and looked between the two of us. He held up his hands in a placating gesture. “Please don’t get mad at Gaara. It’s totally my fault that he kept you waiting.”

“It’s alright,” she told him. “Like you said, it’s important that everyone works together. That’s ultimately why I’m here. I’ve already met with the Hokage on this matter and I’d like to make the same offer to Suna. Mutual trade would be a great advantage to all of us and I’d like our lands to become closer.”

That was exactly why Suna continued to be allied with Konoha. I wish the alliance had been started for that reason as well. Unfortunately, it had come out of our need to make up for attacking the Leaf during the Chunin Exams a few years ago. We’d made serious concessions in the agreement in order to maintain peace. But since I’d become Kazekage, I’d done my best to maintain the alliance for all the right reasons instead of the wrong ones. 

“I share that wish as well and I look forward to working with you,” I told Haruna.

Naruto grinned at both of us and clapped his hands together. “So. What do we need to do to make this official?”

. . . . . . .

The meeting was surprisingly productive and we were able to draft a preliminary agreement that would benefit both our lands. Haruna said her goodbyes afterwards with a smile and made Naruto promise to write to her. I hadn’t known that they knew each other. They seemed extremely close and I had to admit that part of me was a little jealous. I knew that I shouldn’t have been on a rational level. That’s who Naruto was. It didn’t matter if it was someone he’d known his whole life or if it was someone he’d just met five minutes ago. He tended to win everyone over one way or another. It would make him a great Hokage. 

After the meeting was finished, Naruto and I walked towards the greenhouse so he could send his letter to Jiraiya. We’d already been to the aviary so he could mail his letters to Konoha. He was quiet but the silence didn’t have the same oppressive feeling that it had after he’d first arrived in Suna. Instead, Naruto seemed to be looking around him with fresh eyes. 

“Did you guys do some rebuilding or something? It looks different around here.”

Indeed, we’d been making improvements and additions to the village. Security was a factor but our population had increased in the last couple of years as well. The Wind Lord had relented in his quest to decrease Suna’s resources and he was no longer actively trying to sabotage the village’s future. “It’s a work in progress,” I said.   
“Hmmmm.” Was all Naruto said. He fingered the small scroll in his hand.

In the greenhouse, we met with Gamadenrei who was lounging on a rock in the shade at the edge of the pond. He was surprised but seemed genuinely pleased to see Naruto. They chatted for a few minutes, mostly to exchange friendly complaints about Jiraiya. It was good to see Naruto laugh again. Taking the scroll from the blonde and tucking it into a tube on his back, the toad saluted and disappeared in a puff of smoke. Naruto sighed happily and looked at me.

“So what’s for lunch?” he asked with a hopeful look. “I’ll buy.”

“There’s a new ramen stand that opened a couple weeks ago. It‘s supposed to be really good.” 

“Really?” When I nodded, he brightened immediately. “Let’s go!” Taking my hand, he practically ran to the door with me in tow.

I smiled. I couldn’t help it as I let him pull me along. His exuberance was infectious and it felt so good to bask in the warmth of his smile again. There was a small voice in my head telling me that I was taking advantage of him somehow. Despite his cheerful demeanor, it had only been a few days since he‘d admitted what happened and he hadn‘t been awake for most of it. It was far too soon to let myself get so close. But I wasn’t going to push him away. I’d let him get as close to me as he felt comfortable with and I’d deal with my own issues myself. 

As we walked along, it took about ten minutes for Naruto to realize that he didn’t know where we were going. He stopped and looked around with a rather bashfully confused expression on his face. “Um.” He nibbled his bottom lip. “Where is it?”

“This way.” Taking the lead, I led him down a few streets and into the interior of the stand. Naruto immediately hopped onto a stool and examined the menu before eagerly ordering three different flavors of ramen. The proprietor blinked in surprise and happy recognition before hurrying over to the stove. Naruto’s love of ramen was somewhat legendary which is why there were more ramen stands now than there had been before he’d become known in Suna. When our orders were ready, he clapped his hands together happily, snapped his chopsticks apart, and dug in. 

I started eating a little more sedately and watched Naruto out of the corner of my eye. He tore through the first two bowls while barely taking a breath between bites. It wasn’t until he’d finished his fifth bowl that he sat back to sigh contently and pat his belly. I’d just finished my first and took my time finishing the last of my soup. I’d take him here every day if it made him smile like that. 

“That was so good.” Naruto grinned at the shop keeper. “I’m going to have to tell old man Teuchi that he needs to step up his game.” His praise made the cook beam with pride and she bowed happily. Reaching into his pocket, Naruto pulled out his wallet but when he opened the small frog purse, the worn fabric tore and sent money flying everywhere. “Gama-chan!” Naruto wailed piteously. 

I stared at the scattered coins and bills for a moment before helping him retrieve his wayward cash. As I picked up a coin from the counter in front of me, I suddenly remembered the gift that I’d gotten for him months ago. On previous visits, I’d seen the ragged appearance of the well-loved wallet and knew it was on its last legs. Naruto’s attachment to the little frog purse was so endearing I’d gone out looking for a replacement. But after an exhaustive search I couldn’t find one. It turned out that they weren’t made anymore so I went down to the craft district to have one specially made. 

When I arrived, the little old man was still sitting outside his shop carving. He nodded sagely at me with a small smile and I nodded back before heading into the leatherworking shop next door. They gave me a strange look when I told them what I wanted. I wasn’t sure if it was the order for a frog coin purse itself or if it was because I was the one ordering it. But either way, the craftsmen had drawn up a quick design sketch that was perfect. I’d been carrying the finished wallet around in my pocket since then waiting for the right time to give it to Naruto but I’d forgotten about it until now. Pulling it out, I dropped the coin I’d retrieved into it and held it out to him.

“Here.”

Naruto was still staring at the ruins of his little purse and it took him a moment to realize I’d said anything. When he did look, his miserable expression turned to one of bewildered surprise. 

“Gaara. . .when did you. . ?” He placed the old wallet on the counter before reaching out to take the new one from me. “Thank you.” It was made of dyed green leather with two wide, hopeful eyes staring up above its smiling mouth. Naruto almost reverently filled it back up with the money he‘d retrieved. After he paid the bill, he put the old wallet carefully into his pocket next to the new one. Then he stood abruptly and headed out the door. The atmosphere seemed to have shifted downward and Naruto’s mood was suffering. I followed him outside and thought I saw his eyes start to shimmer. 

“Are you alright?” I asked him quietly.

“Yeah.” He sniffed and wiped quickly at his eyes. “I don‘t really know why I‘m so upset. But I’ve had that wallet for a really long time. I knew it was getting kind of worn out and I should have given it up but I. . .” He took a breath. “I just couldn’t.”

For some reason, I had the feeling that he wasn’t really talking about the wallet. But whatever he was referring to, it took him several minutes to regain his composure. We walked aimlessly for a while as Naruto calmed down and stopped sniffing. 

“What else have you got going on today?” he asked after a few minutes of walking down the street. “I need something to do. I don’t really want to train right now but if I sit around by myself, I think I‘m going to get all. . .” he huffed. “I’m going to get all upset again. I hate that. I was doing so well but all that bad stuff is still there and it’s going come back and. . .It’s so stupid,” he muttered finally.

I had to fight not to sigh. “It’s not stupid,” I said. Part of me was a little alarmed that he didn’t want to train. He always wanted to train. But I had to remind myself that he’d been pushing so hard for so long to get Sasuke back. Now that it was no longer a driving force for his motivation, maybe he just wanted to take a break. It might actually be good for him. When I told him so (without mentioning Sasuke’s name), he didn’t disagree. 

“Yeah. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to take a break. At least for a little while.”

“There’s a council meeting in about an hour. If you can put up with narrow-minded old men that take forever to make up their minds, you’re welcome to attend.” There would be a few who would disapprove of his presence but that was extremely appealing to me on a certain level. Some of the council members really needed to be prodded out of their comfort zones. “But it’s part of how the village functions no matter how tedious it is.”

Naruto snorted. “Sounds like home. There’s a bunch of guys that call themselves advisors who keep bugging Grandma Tsunade all the time. I don’t think they like me very much. Just because I’ve got Kyuubi in me, they keep trying to have me watched and keep me in the village all the time. If it were up to them, I’d never be allowed to leave.” He scrunched up his nose. “You know, I really don’t like them either.” 

That sounded familiar as well. There would always be those who didn’t care for me and they would always offer opposition no matter what I did. “Well, cheer up, I told him. The advisors here will probably try to get you to leave.”

There was a soft giggle beside me. “Was that a joke, Gaara?” 

I didn’t reply but I found myself smiling again. Even after I had mellowed out, I tended to be rather somber most of the time and my humor was considered dry at best. But that didn’t seem to matter to Naruto. He bumped my shoulder with his as he put his hands in his pockets and grinned. “Let’s go show them all who’s the awesomest ninja in Suna.”

That could be interesting. Most of the chairs around the table were already occupied when we arrived in the conference room. I pulled up an extra chair for Naruto myself before settling in my own. There were some murmurs around the table and I could see a few frowning faces. But nobody openly said anything. Kankuro smirked from his seat and Baki looked thoughtful. Everyone here knew who he was but I made formal introductions anyway. Naruto sat quietly while the meeting opened and we discussed routine topics. But he kept looking around the room like he was trying to memorize the interior. At one point, his neck was craned back all the way so he could see the statues of the past Kazekages that stood behind us.

“So,” one of the council members said as he cleared his throat and glanced at Naruto. “Since the trade agreement with the Land of Greens has been drafted, perhaps we can-”

“I’ve got a question for you guys,” Naruto said out of the blue. There was sudden silence. He looked around hopefully at first but he started to cringe a little under everyone’s stare. Before I could say anything and come to his rescue, he took a breath and built himself up again. “So what do you guys do when somebody attacks the village?”  
There were a few quizzical looks shot in his direction before Baki replied. “Do you plan on invading?” he asked, his tone dry.

“What? No.” Naruto frowned at him like he’d just said something incredibly stupid. “Village defense is really important.” He said it so simply and honestly. The room was quiet again but this time I was pretty sure it was because they were thinking instead of disapproving. 

Baki leaned back in his chair. “While I appreciate your concern, I’m sure you understand that while Konoha and Suna are allies we can’t divulge everything to you.”

“I’m not asking for a map with highlighted weaknesses or anything,” Naruto said with a hint mild exasperation in his tone. “It’s just that your track record isn’t exactly that great and if you haven‘t made any improvements, you really need to.”

“I beg your pardon,” one of the older council members sputtered. “I’ll have you know-”

“One guy came in and nearly destroyed everything.” Naruto interrupted him and scanned the table so he could meet everyone’s eyes. He was talking about the Akatsuki’s infiltration of Suna and from the expressions around the table, everyone knew it.

“That was a unique circumstance,” another council member said defensively. “How would Konoha have handled an attack from the air?”

“By making sure the villagers were safe.” Naruto crossed his arms. “What did you guys do? You all stood around and watched while Gaara tried to take care of everybody himself.”

“Are you saying that our Kazekage isn’t qualified to protect the village?” The first councilor looked a little smug like he thought he’d gotten the upper hand.

“Of course he is. He’s Gaara.” Once again, there was that innocent sincerity. Naruto’s flat look dared anyone to say differently. His unshakable confidence in me was both warming and an little humbling but it felt good to hear him say that. “But that’s not what I mean,” Naruto continued. “You know why he lost?” He quickly looked at me. “No offense or anything, Gaara.” 

I inclined my head. “None taken.” I think I knew what he meant but I was curious to see where he was going with this. Nobody seemed to have an answer so the blonde continued.

“He lost because he was so busy trying to protect the village, he couldn’t focus on the fight. If you had evacuated everyone to a safe place it might have gone differently.”

“Perhaps,” Baki admitted carefully. “But the property damage would have been incalculable had he not intervened.”

Naruto eyed him steadily for a few moments and the intensity of his gaze was intense. “Property can be rebuilt. People can’t.” No one replied and Naruto went on. “There is no village without villagers. The very first thing you need to do during an attack is get them to a safe place. Then you can fight back with all you’ve got.” 

“And where would you propose we send everyone?” the second councilor asked him. “Keeping everyone in a single place would just make them an easier target.”

Naruto shook his head. “It needs to be secure and somewhere large enough to hold everybody. And it should be really hard for the enemy to get to.” There were a lot of thoughtful looks from those around the table and some of them actually seemed to be taking his idea seriously. But nobody had any immediate ideas. Naruto thrummed his fingers on the table. “What about some sort of cave under the village?”

Baki shook his head. “The village sits on top of a solid rock ledge. There is no space large enough.”

Naruto shrugged. “So make one. And don‘t give me any excuses about not having enough stone cutters or anything like that. You‘ve got Gaara. He can do all kinds of things with sand and I bet he could totally make something workable. Instead of being jerks and trying to figure out how to keep him busy so you can run the village without him, why don‘t you work with him instead.”

When had he noticed that? He’d been so preoccupied with his own issues, I didn’t think Naruto had been that aware of what was going on around him. But he was absolutely right. While Suna had been improving in many ways, there were still things that weren’t working quite as well as they could. And it seemed that he noticed my worktable when he was in my room. His idea has serious merit and I was already starting to work on the logistics in my head. I’d need to consult with some architects before I could start making any definite plans but it was workable. 

After the initial denials were passed around the table and everyone calmed down, the meeting continued. New plans were discussed about creating a shelter for the villagers in times of danger. Once Naruto had given his opinion, he sat back and let them talk it out amongst themselves. A few of the councilors were shooting him some rather considering looks. I don’t think any of them had really been prepared to take him seriously and they were having a hard time getting over it. But that’s what Naruto did. He made people believe in him without even trying. He really was going to make a great Hokage.


	11. Chapter 11

The next two and a half weeks were some of the best times of my life. I loved having Naruto in Suna with me. He was funny and unpredictable and it was wonderful to have him greet me when I came home from my office. It was something to look forward to in a time when everything else around me was so serious. Naruto had started training again and he was rebuilding the muscle tone and weight that he lost. Of course that did nothing to help me with my growing desire to be close to him. I wanted to touch him, to feel the warmth of his sun kissed skin under my hands. The scent of him made me tingle and I fought not to act like a lovesick puppy every time he was within three feet of me. I thought I was doing well at hiding it but my siblings seemed to know without my having to tell them.

The three of us were sitting around the dining room table eating dinner. It had been almost two weeks since Naruto’s breakdown which had turned into the beginning of his healing process. Right now, the blonde was off somewhere with Jiraiya. The Sannin had returned after receiving the news that his student was finally recovering and the two of them were off doing something together. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen either of them looking that happy. 

“Gaara.” Kankuro’s voice broke into my thoughts.

“Hmm?” Judging from the look on his face, he’d been trying to get my attention for some time. “What is it?”

“What’s with you lately? Are you alright?” There was irritation mixed with a certain amount of concern in his voice. 

Temari snorted. “He’s fine.”

“How can you say that?” he asked her. “Something’s been off for days. I know you’ve noticed it. And he’s hardly paid any attention to what we’ve been saying all night.”

She shot him a flat look. “It figures that you wouldn’t have any idea. There is something going on but there is nothing wrong with Gaara.”

At this point, I was starting to get a little nervous. They were talking about me like I wasn’t even sitting there and I wasn’t quite sure what Temari meant. 

“Our little brother is in love.”

My heart nearly stopped. How did she know? Was it that obvious? What was I going to do? Should I deny or admit it? I had no idea how to handle this newfound social anxiety and I really didn’t like it.

Kankuro blinked in surprise. “Who is she?”

The growing apprehension in my stomach swirled suddenly and I had trouble swallowing. This was it. They’d find out that I was interested in another male and they would despise me all over again. I hadn’t realized until that moment, but I’d been really afraid of this confrontation.

“You are such an idiot.” Temari glared daggers at our brother.

“What? The only person I’ve ever seen him spend any time with is Naru. . .oh.” Realization dawned suddenly in his eyes and I felt my face flush hotly. I’d barely been able to admit it to myself. I had no idea how I was going to admit it to anyone else. From Kankuro’s expression, it was hard to tell what he was thinking.

Temari stood and started picking up the dishes with irritated, jerky gestures. She was obviously angry but when she passed my chair, she surprised me and leaned down to kiss my cheek. “I’m happy for you, Gaara.” She glared at Kankuro again as she headed into the kitchen. “Dumbass,” she muttered.

When we were alone, Kankuro sighed heavily. “I’m so sorry, Gaara. I had no idea.”

“It’s alright, it doesn‘t matter.” I was so embarrassed that it was hard for me to tell how he was feeling about all of this. I was about ready to retreat when he reached across the table and caught my wrist.

“Of course it does. I’m being an ass and you don’t deserve that. Neither of you do. Actually,” he said as he patted my hand and sat back. “I‘m kind of relieved. I’ve always liked him.”

I looked up from my tea cup warily and finally dared to meet his gaze. He was smiling at me like he really was okay with it. “You don’t mind?”

“Gaara,” he said, his tone extremely patient. “He makes you happy. How could I possibly mind?”

I had to take a few breaths before I said anything. The relief at hearing his words struck me pretty hard. “I was worried. . .” 

“How long has this been going on?” He asked me.

“A while. Sort of. We’re not really. . .together. I‘m just. . .” I fumbled with the words and felt incredibly foolish. “I didn’t know how to talk about it. I was afraid of what you‘d think.” 

Temari came into the room from the kitchen. It was hard to tell how long she’d been listening. “We love you Gaara.” Her smile was fond as she looked at me. Then her expression shifted into a twinkling smirk. “And you’re really cute together.”

I eyed her warily but didn’t reply. It was surprising that she’d noticed what had been going on. Expressing emotion wasn’t one of her strong points. But maybe it was because she’d found someone that it was easier for her to see it in someone else. She came back over to join us and set a tray of dessert on the table. And that’s when the teasing started. But for some reason, it didn’t really bother me as much as it might have otherwise. It was becoming a familiar routine for us when my siblings being overly protective. The tension and discomfort I was feeling melted away and were replaced by something warm and comforting. Happiness was still a relatively unfamiliar feeling for me and it was still very tentative. But it was growing all the time.

There were moments during those two and half weeks that weren‘t quite so good. Naruto was still having a hard time coping with the end of his relationship with Sasuke. It was a deep, emotional wound that would take time to heal completely. For as many times as he was motivated to try harder and move on, there were just as many where he felt extremity low. One night when I was up late reading, I heard a soft tap on my balcony doors. When I opened them, Naruto was standing outside in the dark looking miserable.

“I’m not bothering you am I?” he asked quietly. He looked like he was regretting coming over here and was deciding whether or not he should just go and jump back over to his own balcony. 

“No,” I said as I stepped aside and gestured for him to come in. “You never bother me.” 

Naruto didn’t look at me directly as he shuffled inside and glanced around. “I know it’s kind of late.”

“It’s alright. I was still up.” I sat in the chair by the bed and tried to ignore the fact that Naruto wore nothing but a pair of boxers and a plain black t-shirt that clung to his body like a second skin. “What’s on your mind?” 

“You know,” he said. “Most people would probably say that there was never anything on my mind at all.” He sat on the edge of my bed and clasped his hands between his knees. “Am I stupid?”

Sighing quietly, I thought about what to say and how to say it. My own struggle to help him deal with his pain was still extremely difficult. I really didn’t have many answers for him when he had questions like this. I could tell him what he wanted to hear but that wouldn’t really help. Being blunt might be just as bad. “I’m not going to answer that,” I said finally. “Because you already know the answer.”

“Sometimes I don’t really believe it though.” Naruto rubbed at his eye with the heel of his hand and sniffed. “I hate this. Just when I think I’m okay, I’m not again. Why do I keep freaking out and getting upset?” With every word, his voice became more strained until it nearly cracked at the end of his question.

If I knew the answer to that, life would have been a lot simpler. As it was, it was incredibly hard to think of something to say that wouldn’t be trite and meaningless. “You freak out because you care,” I told him. “Showing emotion is not necessarily a bad thing.” Emotion was one of his driving motivations.

“But it’s a problem if it gets so bad that I can’t do anything. What am I supposed to do about that? And why is it always so awful? It hurts.” He rubbed at his chest, making the fabric shift over his skin.

“It’s painful because you’ve lost something that mattered to you,” I said softly.

Naruto’s eyes flicked away from mine and he sniffed again. We hadn’t really talked about what happened since he‘d let it all out, at least not specifically. “He told me that I didn’t understand,” he said, his voice quiet. “When we fought in the valley that first time. It was really hard for both of us when we were a kids. I know what pain is. But his was different.”

I really hoped that Naruto wasn’t going to justify what Sasuke did to him. There was no way I was going to let him blame it all on himself. But I let him continue to see where his thoughts would take him.

“He said that having bonds that were broken was so much worse than not having them at all. I didn’t really believe him then. But. . .” Naruto paused and took a shuddering breath. “I think he might have been right.” A single tear slipped down his cheek and he brushed it away absently. 

“But you’re not alone now.” 

Naruto sniffed and let out a humorless chuckle. “I guess not. But I can’t keep leaning on you all the time.”

“I don’t mean just me. Think about all the friends you have back in Konoha. Whatever it may have been like when you were children, they care about you.” I was rewarded with a reluctant smile.

“Yeah.” His expression turned wistful. “They kept trying to get me to give up on Sasuke. Maybe I should have listened.” For the first time, he managed to say Sasuke’s name without choking on it. I wasn’t sure how long it would take before I could do the same.

“Maybe.” I leaned forward in my chair and reached out to press my hand against his chest. I ignored the voice in my head that told me to keep my distance as I felt his heartbeat under my fingers. “But maybe this is what you really need to listen to.” 

Naruto sat still for a few moments and I was afraid that I’d crossed a line. But after a little while, he placed his hand over mine. “Yeah.” He smiled again, letting his hand linger before he let it drop to his lap. I retreated back to my seat and held onto the memory of the touch. My hand still tingled from the contact. When Naruto looked up at me again, his eyes sparked but it wasn’t from tears.

“Things have changed and I don‘t think I can bring him back to the village anymore.” There was a resolute tone to his voice that sounded much more like him than the unsure quaver that I’d been hearing. “But I have to stop him. I‘m not really sure how I‘m going to do that but I’m not going to give up.”

There he was. My beautiful Naruto. No matter how down he got, no matter how badly beaten and bruised he became, he never gave up. I couldn‘t help smile that pulled at my mouth. I’d been waiting for him to find himself and it felt good to see it happen. He was still a little wobbly and his lashes were wet but he was trying his hardest and he hadn’t given up. The knot in my chest that had been coiled tightly since I found out he was missing suddenly started to loosen. It was like the air had become easier to breathe and a weight had been lifted.

After that, we talked about inconsequential things for a little while. I told Naruto some of Temari’s stories from the academy. He talked about some of the things Jiraiya had taught him while they’d trained and some of the more racy, embarrassing things the man had done. But he was tiring quickly. Sometime during the conversation Naruto lay down on his side and propped his head in his hand. Soon, he was curled up on my bed and looking extremely sleepy. When his eyes finally closed, he let out a long sigh and relaxed completely. I watched him sleep for a little while and felt a warm, strangely satisfied glow inside me. 

I was getting pretty tired myself and a small part of me wanted to lie down right next to him. It was a pretty big bed and there was plenty of room. And if he ended up getting close sometime during the night, would it really be such a bad thing? But I couldn’t quite convince myself to indulge. I would probably feel guilty after and ultimately, it was really unfair to him. So instead, I pulled up the blanket over Naruto and went into the other room to sleep on the couch. 

. . . . . . .

It was a few days later when I had my own emotional crisis to deal with. The title of Kazekage had been mine for just under a year and I still had so much to learn. But it was never made so clear until one of the border patrols came home from the north. Relations with the Land of Earth had been problematic at best for a long time now and the lands in between had started to resent becoming battlegrounds for major conflicts between us. Occasionally, it got rather ugly. I was determined not to antagonize other lands but I also knew that we couldn’t appear weak by letting others encroach on our territory.

The council had convened to discuss the last minute details for the festival the village had been planning for weeks now. Despite the growing turbulent times, or perhaps because of them, we were trying to take the time to celebrate. The festival hadn’t been held since I was at the academy and back then I really hadn’t cared. But I was looking forward to it now, especially since Naruto was doing so much better. I really wanted to share it with him. But all of those happy feelings were eclipsed almost instantly.

The captain of the patrol team came to council chamber to give his report with two of his teammates in tow. They all looked worse for wear but they’d insisted on coming to see me right away. There was no sign of their fourth and I was afraid I knew why but I let them give their report without interrupting. They’d been patrolling the border to the north when they’d been ambushed by nomadic separatists. Not all of Suna had rejoiced when I’d taken the position of Kazekage. A few had deserted the village and made trouble wherever they could. But this was the first time they’d directly attacked Suna shinobi.

The captain stood tall as he gave his report. “The two rogue shinobi have been neutralized. But Suichi. . .” He only faltered for a moment before raising his head proudly. His remaining teammates did the same. “Suichi gave us the opening to defeat them. He made me proud to be his sensei.” 

Suichi. My memory supplied me with the image of a young man who’d become a Genin just after I became Kazekage. His was the very first graduation ceremony I’d presided over at the Academy. He’d been very earnest in his desire to protect the village and he was full of hopes and dreams for the future. 

And now he was dead. 

Outwardly, I remained calm as I took in the details of the report and made mental notes to compensate the family. But inside I was struggling to recover from the emotional blow. This was the first person who’d died on my watch.

When the captain bowed slightly, he tried to hold in a sigh. “If you will excuse me, I need to tell his family.” It didn’t seem to be something he was looking forward to and I couldn’t blame him. 

Without thinking, I stood. “Please allow me.”

The world seemed to skip a beat. Everyone in the room was looking at me like they didn’t quite understand what I’d just said. Honestly, I was just as surprised. This was not something that I wanted to do. But I think I needed to. I was the one who’s handed Suichi his Sand headband. I was the one who’d given him the patrol mission. I was the one the separatists hated.

It was my fault he was dead.

The captain looked at me a little warily but there must have been something in my expression because merely nodded in acknowledgement. “His mother lives in the southern quarter.” 

So that’s how I found myself walking the streets of Suna by myself. I’d shed the Kazekage robes before I left because sometimes they felt incredibly heavy. And today they weighed on my more than they ever had before. I insisted on going alone. There was no need to alarm his mother by showing up with a squad of shinobi at my back. When I knocked on the door, I felt a quavering sensation in my gut. I didn’t really want to be doing this. But Suichi was a member of this village and he deserved better from me. A woman opened the door. She had a toddler on her hip and a smile on her face. She blinked for a moment as the smile faltered. I’d surprised her and she was trying to figure out how to greet me.

“K-Kazekage-sama,” she stammered. “What brings you to. . ?” She stopped abruptly and her expression became grave. “Suichi.” Somehow she knew. But how could she? Was it some bond between mother and child that let her know something had happened? It was on the tip of my tongue to apologize; to say that I was sorry that her son was dead. And I was. I didn’t want anyone to die. Not anymore. But I felt that it would lessen her son‘s contribution and wouldn‘t do justice to his memory. 

“Your son has done Suna a great service. He saved his teammates and protected the village. You should be proud of him,” I told her. “He will be honored.”

She raised her head proudly even as her eyes shimmered. “Yes, he will.”

“Who is it, Mama?” A young boy came running up to the door from somewhere in the house. He skidded to a stop beside her and looked at me like he was trying to figure out if I was a threat or not. Until his face broke out in a wide grin. “Hi, Gaara!”

My lips twitched in a small smile and I could see that his mother’s had as well. Children were the only ones besides my siblings who greeted me that informally. Despite her sadness and loss, she was being strong for her children. She bounced the toddler on her hip to shift him into a more comfortable position as she put her arm around the boy’s shoulders.

The boy pouted a little. “I wish my big brother was here to meet you too. He‘s an awesome ninja and he‘s on a mission right now.”

“Sweetheart,” his mother began. “Suichi is with your daddy now.”

The boy blinked as he tried to process the information. His father had been lost in the attack on Konoha back when I’d taken the Chunin Exams. The boy’s lower lip quivered slightly before his mouth firmed in one of the most endearing looks of determination I’d ever seen. 

“Then I’ll just have to have twice as much fun at the festival tonight ‘cause he doesn’t get to. And then I’m gonna study hard at school and be an awesomer ninja and totally kick his butt when we see each other again in the next life.” He nodded resolutely like his mind was completely made up and no one could talk him out of it.

“I’m sure you will,” I told him. His mother nodded at me silently and I bowed in return before she went back inside with her children. I stood out on the street for a few moments and tried to decide what to do. It was mid-afternoon and I needed to get ready for the opening ceremony for the festival that would take place early this evening. But right now I needed to be alone so I could pull myself together.

A couple hours later, I was up on the cliff wall staring out at the sun as it got closer to the horizon. My mood was somber and I couldn’t seem to shake off the feelings of discomfort and sadness. But I was afraid that if I truly let go, I wouldn’t be able to pull it back in. I still had things I needed to do today and I couldn’t afford to be an emotional wreck. There was a soft thud beside me as Naruto landed nearby. 

“There you are, Gaara. Kankuro said I might find you up here.” He came over to see what I was looking at. It was quiet for a while and when I didn’t say anything, he came to stand in front of me. “Are you okay?” he asked tentatively. I had trouble meeting his eyes. Swallowing hard, I kept looking out over the sand and didn’t say anything. 

“You know,” he said casually. “Somebody told me once that it’s not good to hold things in. And he’s a pretty smart guy.”

I didn’t know what to say. I knew he was right but it was difficult to follow the advice even if it was my own. Naruto reached out to take my hands and waited. He was often impatient and overly eager to get things done but something told me that he’d wait until I decided to speak and tell him what was bothering me no matter how long it took. His open expression made me ache and I realized then that I really wanted to talk to someone.

“Today I had to tell a mother that her son was never coming home again.” It was quite possibly one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do. “I think the worst part was that she didn’t blame me for it. And her son. . .” My voice cracked a little. He’d been strong and had put on a brave face. Neither of them had broken down when I told them. How could I?

“They’re shinobi. They understand.” It was said so calmly but his words didn’t do much to settle my emotions.

“But I’m supposed to protect them.” 

“I’m so proud of you, Gaara,” Naruto said softly.

I wasn’t sure if it was what he’d said or the gentle tone he used when he said it. My body jerked with a suppressed sob and I shut my eyes tight to keep the tears from falling. But when I felt Naruto’s arms wrap around me, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Burying my face in the crook of his neck, I let out what I’d been trying to deny all afternoon. I clung to him and cried. 

“For so long I didn’t care about anybody,” I sobbed. “I was so alone. But now there are hundreds of people that matter to me now. How can I possibly protect them all?” And that was a big part of my problem. The immensity of it all was suddenly staggering and I wasn’t sure I could cope.

“You’ve come so far,” Naruto murmured as he rubbed my back in soothing circles. 

I really had but sometimes it was so hard. The embrace was warm and comforting and just what I needed even if I hadn’t known it until just then. I pressed into him and held on tight and the emotional storm tore through me. It was quite while before I finally calmed down enough to breathe properly. I wished we could stay like this but we couldn’t stay here all night. When I sniffed one last time and pulled away, Naruto smiled at me and reached out to brush a thumb across my cheek to catch a stray tear. 

“Are you going to be okay for tonight?” he asked. “I don’t know about you, but stuff like this makes me really tired.” 

I wasn’t quite exhausted but it had taken a lot out of me. “I’m alright,” I told him. I’d been looking forward to tonight for quite a while and I wasn’t going to let this stop me. I rubbed at my eyes and hoped they weren’t too red. 

Naruto patted me on the shoulder. “Good. I was looking around the village on the way over here and it looks like it’s going to be a lot of fun.”

“We’ll need to go home and change first.”

Naruto’s face fell for the first time since he’d come to find me. “Oh. I completely forgot. I don‘t really have anything.” 

I took his hand and pulled him along. “I think I can come up with something.” When we got back to the tower, I led him to my room and pulled out the wrapped package I’d been saving for tonight. “Here,” I said as I gave it to him.

“You didn’t have to-.”

“I wanted to.” 

I don’t think he was used to receiving gifts and this was the second one I’d given to him. It looked like he still wanted to protest but when he pulled at the corner of the wrapping and peeked inside, he grinned at me and headed to his room without argument. 

I took a quick shower and changed into my own robe. It was an intense aqua colored silk with stylized tigers embroidered in metallic orange thread. It had been a gift from my siblings for the occasion. When I came out into my sitting room, Naruto was smoothing down the front of his own robe. He’d rolled up the sleeves to his shoulders and he was examining one of the embroidered spiral patterns that had been sewn with blue thread. I’d chosen a vibrant orange for the fabric because for some reason, it just seemed to suit him. He looked up and smiled when I came in.

“I love it.” Naruto looked me up and down and his smiled and widened. “You know,” he said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you when you weren’t wearing your Kazekage getup or the maroon jacket. You look good.”

I hoped that the heat on my face wasn’t a blush. Or at least that he hadn’t noticed. Heading to the door, I brushed my fingers against the orange silk. The gesture felt a little more intimate than I’d intended and I drew my hand back. 

“Orange suits you,” was all I said as I went out into the hall. 

By the time we got outside it was starting to get dark. There were crowds in the street and people were laughing. Music floated on the air and the soft glow of colorful paper lanterns was starting to grow in the coming twilight. There were food stalls, game pavilions, and toy vendors all waiting for the opening ceremony so they could officially open. There was a sense of anticipation but overall, the atmosphere was happy.

Temari and Kankuro stood in their finery near a small raised stage that sat in a sheltered curve of rock. The shape of the stone acted like a natural acoustic amplifier. Later there would be plays and various other shows presented there. But before that, it would be where I gave my speech that would officially start the festival. Naruto stayed with my siblings and gave me an encouraging smile as I stepped up onto the platform. The noise of the crowd dimmed when I walked onto the stage. 

I stared out at all the faces of the villagers that had become my responsibility. Unlike when I‘d been a child, there was no hostility or fear veiled with false politeness. My throat threatened to close up and I had to swallow several times before I could speak. I’d spent so much time writing my speech but all of my carefully crafted words escaped me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Naruto smile encouragingly and I suddenly knew what to say.

“When I was young, I never imagined that I‘d be where I am now.” I saw some looks of sympathy and others who frowned as they remembered the fear that I’d caused. “I’m not asking anyone to forget because the past can’t be changed. But we can learn from it. I want everyone to look around.” There was some quiet murmuring as the crowd exchanged puzzled glances. “I couldn’t have gotten where I am without all of you. We are strongest when we work together and no one can function alone. Every single one of you makes a difference. This is a festival of renewal. As we honor those who came before us, we will learn from them and look to the future. We will work together to find new ways make the village safe and prosperous. And with the help our allies, we will change the future to make it better for our children.”

When I finished speaking, there was silence. They seemed honestly surprised like that hadn‘t been what they expected to hear. But then I hadn‘t expected to say it. There was a single clap from somewhere in the crowd. Others joined in one by one until the applause swelled to include cheers and hollers from the audience. Naruto and my siblings were smiling. Even some of the more resistant council members seemed less antagonistic. This was a day of celebration and our issues could be set aside at least for now. We weren’t forgetting the way things were of how we felt but we could coexist peacefully. In the crowd, I spotted Suichi’s mother and her children. There was an air of sadness about her but she was smiling quietly as she held her son’s hand. 

When I descended from the stage, Naruto draped an arm across my shoulders. “You’re pretty good at this stuff.”

I wasn’t quite sure I agreed but if Suichi’s family could overcome their sadness and participate tonight, there was no way I could do any less. My siblings patted me on the shoulder and congratulated me on how well my message had been received. Then they were both hailed by friends. They eyed me and Naruto before giving us strangely knowing smiles and wishing us a good evening. If Naruto noticed the wordless innuendo that hung in the air, he didn’t show it. Instead, he guided me toward the food vendors. 

“I’m starving. Oooh, grilled squid!” He hopped up to the counter at the nearest stand. After he ordered, he looked at me and frowned. “We’re in the middle of the desert. Where did the fish come from?”

The vendor chuckled. “We use stasis spells and ship it from the coast. It’s not that far away, relatively speaking. Please,” he said as he held out two skewers of steaming seafood. “No charge.” He nodded to me as Naruto handed one my way. I accepted with a small bow. 

Part of me wanted to insist on paying but that might cause hurt feelings or perhaps some insult. Suna’s people were proud. The vendor smiled at Naruto as the blonde started munching on his treat while making yummy noises of approval. After he was finished, Naruto proceeded to visit every food stall he could find so he could sample everything. There were fried noodles, potatoes with butter, apricot candy, and chocolate covered bananas. I had no idea how he could eat so much without getting ill but he showed no signs of slowing down. At the last stall, we were offered cups of an unfamiliar, sweetly flavored drink. It was refreshing after everything we‘d eaten so far.

“Wow, that was really good,” Naruto licked his lips. The stall owner smiled and offered us a full bottle. Naruto took a sip and passed it to me. It really was good. We proceeded to share it as we visited the gaming stalls.

The games somehow turned into a playful competition between the two of us. They were relatively simple but that didn’t really matter. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d actually had that much fun. Naruto was pretty good at the games that required concentration and aim, but his throws got progressively further off target the longer we played. The atmosphere seemed to be affecting me as well and I felt a little woozy. But it was distant sensation and I was feeling too happy otherwise to worry about it. Things blurred a little after that. Naruto and I stopped to watch a puppet show for a little while before our attention was drawn by the sparkling pop of fireworks. Brilliant splashes of color lit up the night overhead. 

“It’s beautiful,” Naruto said beside me as he looked up and took a sip from the bottle.

“You’re beautiful,” I murmured absently. There was a quiet, frightened voice in my mind that was telling me to shut up. Distantly, I was worried that I’d said too much. Naruto had gotten really quiet and I could feel his stare but I almost didn’t dare look at him to see his expression. He moved closer and nudged me into the shadows between the buildings before pushing me up against the wall. I didn’t resist. But instead of punching or yelling at me, he brought his face closer to mine. His gaze searched for something but I had no idea what he was looking for. 

When his lips met mine, I was pretty sure my heart stopped. It was a soft touch, just a bare brush of skin contact and I didn’t dare breathe as I leaned forward a little. The kiss deepened and Naruto moved his body closer to mine and pressed me into the wall. I clutched at the fabric of his robe, afraid that he‘d pull away again. I’d been dreaming of moments like this one but they’d only been dreams. Maybe this was too. If it was, I never wanted to wake up.


	12. Chapter 12

Naruto finally broke the kiss and rested his head on my shoulder. We were both breathing heavily and my whole body was on fire. The sensation memory of his lips on mine still tingled. It was just a kiss. How could it be affecting me this much? Maybe it was because it was my very first. I’d never been able to let anyone get this close to me. I hadn’t wanted to. But now it felt so natural to have him near and I didn‘t want to let him go. Naruto turned his head and I felt his lips brush the spot just behind my ear as his hand drifted down to my hip. 

“If you want me to stop, I’ll stop,” he whispered. He paused and we stood still together for a few moments. Somehow I knew that if I said so, he really was going to stop. We’d take a step back and go back to the way things were. But I didn’t want to. 

I responded by wrapping my arms around his neck and holding on tight. I wanted this. I’d been dreaming about it for weeks and it was sweeter than I’d imagined. The warmth of him enveloped me and made my whole body tingle. Why would I ever want him to stop? Naruto sighed and I felt him relax against me as his hand began to wander again. A sudden sober thought assaulted me in the midst of the warmth. What was I doing? I’d been trying so hard to avoid this. Things would change. But before I could fully contemplate the problem, the thought drifted away and became hazy. I was floating. I was aroused. I was with someone I loved. I was happy.

I’m not sure how we managed but somehow we ended up back in my room. The shadowed interior flickered with colored light as the fireworks continued to bloom in the night sky outside. Naruto gently cupped my face in his hands and kissed me again. It made me moan softly but it wasn’t a throaty sound of pleasure. It was almost a whimper. The sensations and emotions that were pulsing through me were nearly overwhelming. I wasn’t entirely sure I’d survive if we went further but I couldn’t stop now. My robe slipped off my shoulders and I let it pool on the floor in a puddle of blue silk. Naruto guided me to the bed and laid me down as he to nibbled at my throat. His mouth left a warm trail that cooled when he moved on and I shivered at the delicious sensations. The weight of his body pressed down into mine and I threaded my fingers through his sunshine locks.

When he kissed me again, his tongue touched my lips tentatively. There was an intensity to the way he was touching me but he still seemed very careful about what he was doing. To encourage him, I opened my mouth a little and let him in. It was wet and hot with a slight sweetness from the fruit drink we’d been sharing earlier. We came up for breath a couple of times as we continued to taste each other. I felt a gentle tug at my undergarments as they were pulled away. It left me completely bare and it was obvious that I was hard and ready from the activity. 

I should have felt embarrassed or self-conscious. I’d never been nude in front of another person before and that little voice of reason in my head was really concerned about what was going on. But it was vetoed by sensation and sheer want. In all my fantasies, I’d never imagined it being quite like this. I’d always thought I’d be the initiator, the one making all the advances. But Naruto made me feel so safe and warm. I knew he would never hurt me and I wanted him to be here. I needed him to be here. And at this point, he could do anything he wanted to me. 

Naruto’s still-clothed groin brushed mine and I gasped. When his hands slid down under me to grip my behind, I had the presence of mind to lean over and fumble in the bedside table for the small bottle I kept there. I’d never been with anyone before, least of all another male. There’d been a time when I wasn’t quite sure what to do or how the mechanics worked. So back when I first realized what I was feeling for Naruto, I’d done some research so I would know what to do if the opportunity ever arose. I’d gotten the bottle of oil with the small hope that today would happen eventually. I’d even done some experimenting on my own to see how it would feel.

As I shifted to get the bottle, Naruto froze like he was afraid that I was pulling away. I turned back to him and slid my hand up his back to try and reassure him. He relaxed again when I pressed the bottle into his hands. Then he leaned forward and kissed me so hard it took my breath away like I’d just given him a precious gift. Settling between my knees, he raised my legs and bent my knees to get better access before using the contents of the bottle. Slick fingers probed my backside and brushed my swollen length at the same time. When I looked down to see what Naruto was doing, I could see his growing erection between the parted folds of orange silk. Something entered me and my breath caught. It wasn’t entirely unpleasant but it was still different than when I‘d done it myself. As he continued to gently explore me on the inside, it became more arousing and it made me squirm on the bed. 

We weren’t shinobi from Suna or Konoha tonight. We were lovers. It was something I’d hoped for but never imagine we’d really be. My thoughts hazed again as Naruto wrapped his fingers around me and stroked firmly. The intrusion from behind became more insistent and substantial. When his touch retreated suddenly, I couldn’t quite help letting out a soft sound of disappointment. I didn’t want him to stop. There was an intense need building within me and I wasn‘t sure what would happen if it wasn‘t satisfied. All of the emotions that I’d been feeling the whole day were surging through me.

Naruto lined himself up but he paused as if considering whether or not he wanted to continue. My body was practically quivering and I placed my hands over his where they rested on my hips. His tip pressed against me before slowly slipping inside a little bit. This was much different than anything I‘d experienced before. In this moment, we were connected on more than just a physical level. I was pulled from my thoughts as it started to become more uncomfortable. The stretching started to hurt and only the pleasure from Naruto stroking my shaft kept the pain from becoming a complete distraction. 

I groaned and arched my back as Naruto leaned over me and curled his fingers under my behind as he started to move rhythmically in and out. Discomfort shifted to mild pain and my erection immediately missed the attention of his hands. I started to touch myself to keep the pleasure building. My touch wasn’t quite as satisfying as Naruto’s but the stimulation from behind amplified every sensation even with the edge of pain. Cupping my testes with one hand and tugging gently, I stroked with the other. Naruto sped up his pace and I matched it. I got lost and pressed my head back into the pillow as a low whine started to build in my throat. 

The waves of pleasure continued to grow and overshadowed the sting until I finally cried out as stars burst in my vision. It was just so much and it kept coming as my release spurted over my abdomen. It almost grew to the point of pain. But Naruto wasn’t far behind and he called out my name before stiffening suddenly and collapsing on top of me. After we both became still, the overly sensitive, intimate parts of my body continued to spasm. 

A sense of lethargy spread over me and my eyes became heavy. Naruto didn’t seem to be much more alert. His head was pillowed on my chest as his breath was heaving in and out. With the last of my dwindling strength, I shifted to a more comfortable position wrapped my arms around him. I stroked his wilted golden spikes and felt my thundering heartbeat slow to normal. In the wake of the pleasure I was suddenly exhausted and I held Naruto to me. I was happier right now than I could ever remember being. Whatever doubts I’d been having were completely overshadowed. Kissing his forehead, I sighed contentedly and drifted off to sleep. 

. . . . . . .

I was awakened by a vicious pounding in my head. The light from the window stung my eyes mercilessly and I groaned as I tried to burrow back under the tangled covers. What had happened last night? The last thing I remember clearly was moving from stall to stall at the festival trying every food imaginable. But it started to get a little hazy after that. As I shifted uncomfortably, there was a stabbing ache that shot up my spine from my backside. Peeling the sheets away from me, I realized that I wasn’t wearing anything. I didn’t usually sleep I the nude because it made me feel insecure. 

When I carefully sat up and shifted to the edge of the bed, I heard a hollow thunk. An empty bottle rolled across the floor and came to rest against the wall next to the bed. Seeing the bottle and catching the scent of stale musk in the air dredged up fragments of memory and a growing sense of unease assaulted me. Something had happened last night. It had been something important and potentially disastrous. My festival robe lay in a discarded heap at the foot of the bed. Blue silk, orange embroidery. Thinking about the color orange made me blink. Naruto.

I stood suddenly and nearly fell to the floor. Naruto. He was here last night. He and I. . .we’d. . .I took in the disheveled condition of the bed and winced. The sheets were dotted with stains. Some I knew were from the oil but a few darker spots gave me pause. I remembered the pain amidst the pleasure and the ache of it was still throbbing. But it wasn’t quite as bad as the ache that was growing my chest as my memories cleared. I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t take advantage of Naruto but I’d done it anyway. I’m not sure if it was better or worse that he wasn’t here now. 

Stripping the bed linens suddenly and made the bed with clean sheets. I threw the dirty fabric in a heap by the door so I could take them down to the laundry myself. I didn’t need anyone else to see the condition of the fabric and start gossiping. But first I needed to be clean. What I really needed was a long soak in a hot bath but I settled for an extremely hot shower instead. The aches were still present when I was finished but at least I felt a little less dirty. I dressed in a plain black tunic and pants. This was my day off and I didn‘t have anything planned. I was going to use the time to do the hardest thing I think I’d ever had to do. I went next door to apologize to Naruto. He deserved more from me than what I‘d done last night. But when I knocked on the door, there was no answer. 

“Naruto?” 

When I tried the knob, the door opened easily but it was the condition of the room that really startled me. It was immaculate. I’d visited Naruto’s apartment in Konoha. He was a slob on a good day. It hadn’t quite gotten as bad here as his own home but the space had been quite messy just a couple of days ago. It frightened and worried me that it was spotless now. The ache in my chest had grown so much that I was clutching helplessly at the fabric over my heart. He’d left me. There was no sense of him in the room and a quick stirring of the sand outside showed that he was nowhere nearby. But how could I blame him for leaving? I’d given in to my baser urges and abused his trust and it had driven him away. 

There was a squeezing pressure in my chest and it was suddenly harder to breathe. Retreating quickly to my bedroom and locking myself inside, I drew the curtains to throw the room into darkness and pressed myself into the corner. Everything was suddenly too big. Sliding down to the floor, I drew up my legs and rested my forehead on my knees. It was foolish to hide and I hadn’t done it since I was a small child but I couldn’t imagine doing anything else right now. I felt the prick of tears behind my eyelids. I’d lost the one thing I truly cared about and it was all my fault. Why had I been so stupid? I’d known it would be a problem but I’d done it anyway. One night of pleasure was not worth the loss and I wasn‘t sure if I could fix it.

I’m not sure how long I sat there in the dark feeling sorry for my self. When I heard a knock on the door, I wasn’t really surprised. It was only a matter of time before someone came to look for me. There was a brief flash of hope in my mind that it had all a mistake, that Naruto had just been on the training grounds and he‘d come back to see if I was awake yet. But Kankuro’s worried voice through the door crushed that thought.

“Gaara? Are you still sleeping?”

I remained silent and hoped that he would assume that I really was asleep so he‘d go away and leave me alone. At first, it seemed to work. I really didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. But once again, my hopes were dashed when I heard a soft tap on the balcony doors. Kankuro poked his head inside and sighed.

“I knew you weren’t still in bed. It’s almost two in the afternoon.”

“Go away.” There was a quiet pause like he was seriously considering it but eventually, he came inside. He left the door open so that afternoon light came spilling in and I was forced to cover my eyes again. Refusing to look at him, I shifted where I sat. When I felt the empty bottle against my foot, I kicked it sullenly across the floor.

“You didn’t drink all of that by yourself, did you?” There was a mix of awe and mild alarm in his voice.

“No,” I replied miserably. I’d shared it with Naruto. It was one of the last things I’d shared with him before he left.

“It’s really strong stuff and technically you’re not even old enough to have it.” Now Kankuro’s tone held a certain amount of teasing rebuke. 

“Why?” It had tasted like a sweet fruit drink, nothing more.

“Because it’s full of alcohol,” he said as he plopped down on the edge of the bed. “I’m surprised you didn’t end up seriously ill or unconscious. Where did you get it?” 

That explained why I felt so physically miserable. Once I‘d felt the initial burst of shock and disappointed, I had been plagued with nausea and a nasty headache. “One of the vendors gave me and Naruto a sample. It tasted pretty good and when we said so, we got a free bottle.” 

“It’s too bad he was called back to Konoha so soon. The festival lasts for two more days.” Kankuro eyed me with a certain amount of suspicion. “Did something happen? I would have thought you’d see him to the gate least.” My brother leaned down to look at me more closely and I peered at him out of the corner of my eye. With his face clean of makeup, I could see that his own eyes were slightly reddened. 

“How much did you drink last night?” I asked him in a pathetic attempt to change the subject.

“Enough to know that your head is probably pounding just as hard as mine was this morning.” He reached into his pocket and handed me a small bottle of aspirin. “Here. Take a couple of these and it will get a little better.”

I accepted the bottle and dragged myself to my feet so I could get a glass of water. Drawing on all of my self control, I did my best not to wince or limp on my way to the kitchenette. My backside was throbbing almost more than my head. I could feel Kankuro’s eyes on me the whole way but if he noticed, he didn’t say anything.

“Did he say why he had to go?” I asked him and cursed myself inwardly for saying anything at all.

“Didn’t he at least come to see you before he left?” When I didn’t reply, he sighed quietly. “You guys didn’t have a fight or anything, did you?”

“No,” I said quietly.

“I didn’t really think so. He was acting a little weird and he was kind of in a hurry but I can’t imagine either of you being mad at the other.”

I couldn’t imagine us being mad at each other either. But shame, disgust and betrayal; I could imagine Naruto feeling all of those things quite well when it came to me. And it was all my fault. 

“You want to talk about it?” Kankuro asked me.

“No.”

“That‘s what I thought you‘d say. But if you ever change your mind. . .” He sighed again. “I know we don’t really talk about stuff and I give you a hard time a lot and-”

“It’s okay. I’m fine.” We both knew that I wasn’t, but he let it slide anyway. It made him a really excellent brother right this moment. 

“Alright.” He left it at that and after a few more quiet moments he went out the same way he came in. 

I was left alone with my thoughts in my empty bedroom that was still musty with the stale scent of what had happened the night before. Going to the balcony doors, I threw them wide open and let in the desert breeze inside. Then I took the sheets downstairs and washed them myself. After I was finished, I headed down to the hot spring to soak in solitude and console myself. I tried to focus on thoughts that didn’t sadden me quite so much. Naruto had taken his festival robe with him when he left so he wasn‘t so appalled that he decided to leave it behind. All that was left in his room was the wrapping paper. But I couldn’t think of anything else beyond that.

I sat in the steamy water and tried to relax my sore muscles. They’d started to spasm painfully and they only served to remind me of what I’d done. I deserved worse. After a little while, I slipped into a light doze only to be awakened by the sound of another person entering the room. But when I looked around there was no one there. The only thing I saw was a tray sitting on the bench by the door with a covered dish and a steaming pot. One of my siblings had probably left it for me. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten and I suddenly noticed that I was feeling lightheaded. I wasn’t hungry but I couldn’t avoid eating. 

I wobbled a little as I stood and almost ended up crawling out of the water instead of walking, but I finally managed to wrap myself in a towel make it to the bench. Sitting carefully, I ate without tasting and did my best to cope. I couldn’t let this affect my job no matter how miserable I was. When I was finished, I left the tray where it was and dragged myself up to my room where I collapsed on the bed and curled up under the covers. I still had another day off after this one and I fully intended to stay in bed the whole time. But when I finally slept, I dreamed painfully of tanned skin, golden hair, and kisses that tasted like sunshine.

. . . . . . .

The rest of the week passed slowly as I tried to occupy myself with work which wasn’t too hard. There was so much to be done to maintain a shinobi village. When I’d aimed for the position, I hadn’t realized how much there was to do. While I was learning and doing my best to handle everything, Baki had been indispensable when it came to managing resources and people. The rest of the council had merely tolerated me at the beginning but I liked to think that I was making progress. At the very least, they didn’t seem to completely resent me openly anymore.

In my free moments, I was plagued with thoughts of Naruto and by the end of the week, I broke down enough to write him a letter. I really needed to apologize and since I couldn‘t leave the village right now and I was too scared to see him in person, this was the only thing I could think of. Pestering him and begging for forgiveness was another thing I’d promised myself I wouldn’t do but I couldn’t leave things as they were. So I put my thoughts to paper and did my best not to sound too pathetic as I asked him to forgive me. Two days later, I knew my message had arrived in Konoha because the hawk returned unharmed with an empty scroll case. 

But by the time another week had passed I’d received no reply. 

I tried to rationalize and come up with reasons why. Maybe Naruto was busy. Maybe he hadn’t received the letter at all. Or maybe he was so mad that he couldn’t or wouldn’t reply. I tried to convince myself it wasn’t the last option as I wrote another letter and sent it off. Still no answer. I stood in the aviary tower and stared out towards the east. I knew I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I needed to focus on Suna’s future and shouldn’t let my personal issues get in the way. But it was easier said than done. 

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” Kankuro said as he came over to lean on the railing beside me. “You’re probably not going to like this,” he said carefully after a moment of quiet.

“What?” But I could already guess what he was going to say and I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer.

“You really have to schedule your trip to Konoha. The Chunin Exams are coming up pretty soon and you still need to see Tsunade and the Konoha council in person.” 

Konoha. Where Naruto lived. What would we do when we saw each other again? What would we say? For all I knew, he hated me and wouldn‘t say a thing. But I nodded anyway and agreed. “Alright. My last appointment for the week is tomorrow. I can be ready to leave the day after that. See if Temari will be able to leave by then.”

“It doesn’t matter what she’s doing, you know she’ll drop it for the trip.”

In my reluctance to potentially see Naruto again, I was keeping her from seeing Shikamaru. That made me feel extremely guilty on top of how bad I already felt.

Kankuro squeezed my shoulder. “Do you want me to go with you?” 

“No. That won’t be necessary. I can do this.”

“I know you can do it. I just wanted to know if you wanted me to be there. Temari will be busy and once you arrive, you probably won‘t see her until it‘s time to come home again. I don‘t want you to be alone.” 

My big brother. He was always trying to protect me from something. If only he could protect me from myself.

All too soon, it was time to leave for Konoha. The trip itself was uneventful and we arrived without incident. As we walked through the gates of the village we were received by a group that was there to welcome us. I fought the urge to look for an orange jacket or a head of spiky blonde hair. But Naruto was nowhere in sight. I barely managed to keep from asking about him directly as we were ushered toward the tower. But it seemed that my effort had not gone unnoticed. Tsunade finally brought him up when we were seated in her office.

“Naruto is out on a mission right now with Kakashi and Captain Yamato. I’m not sure when he’ll return.”

“It’s alright. I’m sure he has a lot to do.” I said and tried not to sound too disappointed. 

“I want to thank you again for rescuing him. I’m not sure I would have been able to forgive myself if anything happened to him.” There was a sad, wistful tone to her voice that would have been surprising if she’d been talking about anyone else. But this was Naruto. He tended to have that effect on people.

“How is he?” I tried to sound casual but I wasn’t sure how successful I was.

She frowned. “He seemed a little down when he came home but he’s well enough. He’s been focusing very hard on his training and his missions. I‘ve never seen him quite so focused.”

I could see the question in her eyes. She really wanted to know what happened to him when he was missing. But that was one promise I was determined to keep. I wasn’t going to share what Naruto told me. “That’s good to hear,” was all I said. 

From there the discussion turned professional as we discussed village politics and policies. While she had far more experience in terms of training and battle, she’d only been Hokage a couple years longer than I’d been Kazekage. We were both learning on the job without any guidance from our predecessors. But we seemed to be managing somehow.

Three days later on my last night in Konoha, Shikamaru took Temari and I out to a restaurant in town. Ordinarily, I would have spent my free time in Konoha touring the village. With Naruto. I’d tried to do the same on my own but everywhere I looked, something reminded me of him so I’d been spending my evenings in the hotel. I really wasn‘t in the mood for company but I couldn’t hide in my room anymore. So I’d gone out with Temari and Shikamaru and done my best to be pleasant as I made polite inquiries about the progress on the Chunin Exams. I knew they had been working really hard as heads of the organizing committees.

“We’ve got some good candidates this year,” Shikamaru said. “But I’m pretty sure that’s not what you’re really interested in. He’s okay but something’s not quite right.”

I knew he was talking about Naruto and I began to wonder if everyone in the village knew how much I cared about him. “I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, he probably will be. But that doesn’t mean he’ll be happy.” Leaning forward, Shikamaru caught my gaze and held it with an intense look. “What did Sasuke do to him?” he asked, his voice pitched low.

I glanced at Temari and frowned but she held her hands up in defense. “Don’t look at me, I didn’t tell him anything,” she whispered fiercely. “I didn’t even know Sasuke had anything to do with it. 

They were both trying to be very quiet and keep their voices under the general din of the other diners. Mentioning the Uchiha’s name out loud tended to draw a lot of attention, especially here. I gathered what was left of my composure and replied without emotion. 

“That doesn’t matter and it’s not an issue anymore.” But I was pretty sure that Naruto would never really heal completely. Part of him would remain scarred deep down while the rest of him recovered enough to function. He’d need more time before he was anywhere near his old self but he’d already made incredible progress before he’d returned home. Hopefully I hadn’t sabotaged that too badly.

“Like hell it’s not an issue.” Shikamaru frowned at me. “He hid it pretty well in front of other people but I could see that he was a wreck when he came back home. There’s only one thing that could depress him that much.” 

I was surprised by the intensity of Shikamaru’s words. I knew Naruto’s friends cared about him but it seemed that I’d underestimated how much. But if anyone would notice what was going on with Naruto, of course it would be the genius of his generation. The only problem was that it wasn’t Sasuke who had hurt him this time. It was me. And I wasn’t quite sure how to admit that without sounding completely reprehensible. I’d worked so hard to be a better person but right now I wasn’t so sure I’d managed. On the other hand, I couldn’t let them come to the wrong conclusions. The last thing they needed was another reason to hate Sasuke.

“I’m afraid I may have upset him,” I said carefully. “I’ve been trying to apologize but haven’t had much luck.” I took a sip of my tea and stared at my plate.

“If he doesn’t get back before you leave tomorrow, do you want me to talk to him?” Shikamaru had calmed down but he was still concerned.

I glanced up rather sharply as a brief spurt of panic assaulted me. “I’d rather you didn’t. We‘ll work it out between us.” It was embarrassing enough to be talking about it at all. I didn’t want anyone else involved.

“Alright.” He didn’t like it but I don‘t think he‘d push the issue. Shikamaru wasn’t usually one to meddle.

Temari patted my hand awkwardly as I continued to pick at my meal. I didn’t really have it in me to pretend that I was happy or even content. I’d always been better at being quietly morose and the rest of the meal was pretty quiet. After we were finished, Shikamaru walked us back to the hotel and bid us goodnight at the door. Temari came upstairs with me but stopped just outside my room. 

“Did something happen between you and Naruto? Things seemed to be going so well.”

I wasn’t going to tell her any more than I told Kankuro. Shrugging, I unlocked the door. “Nothing important.” That was the closest thing to a lie I’d ever told her.

“I don’t believe you.” She’d crossed her arms over her chest and her stance was belligerent. It seemed that browbeating information out of a stubborn person was a family trait. It might have worked on our brother but I wasn’t so easily cowed.

“It’s not a matter of whether or not you believe me,” I told her. 

She shrugged. “I’ll just go talk to Sakura then. She probably has some idea what’s-”

“Please. There’s just nothing you can do so leave it be.” I had thought I could hold out against her but that was quickly proving to be rather difficult as she continued to glare at me. It wasn’t necessarily that I wasn’t strong enough to resist Temari’s prodding. After a few moments, I realized that maybe part of me I wanted to tell her. I sighed and tried to shrug it off like it didn’t matter. “I wrote him a couple of letters. He hasn’t answered.”

“Gaara. . .” her expression softened. “Have you talked to him at all since he came home?”

I shook my head and tried not to look into her sympathetic eyes. “Please don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay.” I leaned against the doorframe and shooed her away. “Now go. Shikamaru’s probably wondering what’s taking you so long.”

She blinked in surprise like she thought I hadn’t noticed that she’d been slipping out of her room every night and not returning until morning. I was happy for her but right now, I really just wanted her to go away. I could tell she didn’t want to leave me alone but suddenly I was exhausted. But ultimately, Temari sighed and headed down the hall. I went in and laid down on bed in the dark. But I didn’t sleep. I hadn’t slept a full night through since the night Naruto had left Suna.


	13. Chapter 13

Four days later, I was home again. It didn’t ordinarily take that long to get from Konoha to Suna but I had decided to take my time and set a slower pace for the trip. I think I might have been putting off getting home because once I got there, I would be completely alone again with no chance of seeing Naruto. He hadn’t returned by the time we left for Suna so I never did get to see him. Temari spent the trip home giving me careful looks but she didn’t try to talk to me about it again. But I think that was mostly because she didn’t want to discuss it in front of our escort. 

When we got home, I immediately set up a meeting with the council to brief them on my discussions with Tsunade. There were new projects to implement and improvements to be made and I wanted to get everything underway as soon as possible. I was tired from the trip but all I wanted was to distract myself from what I was feeling. Outwardly, I was calm and methodical in handling village affairs. On the inside, I was grieving for what I’d lost. My heart was heavy and it ached with a dull throb that was a constant distraction.

Deep down I was convinced that Naruto would never speak to me again. And why should he? I’d taken advantage of him when he was at his most vulnerable and that made me the worst kind of person. Dragging myself out of the pit of unhappiness that I‘d created, I focused my attention on the meeting. I could see Kankuro giving me the same kind of careful looks Temari had earlier but it was unlikely that he knew what was going on. There hadn’t been any time to for the two of them to talk. I wasn’t looking forward to any kind of discussion they might want to have with me so I pointedly ignored him.

After the meeting, Baki trailed me out of the conference room and followed me down the hall. “I trust the trip went well.”

“You were there for the meeting. We’ve got lots of things to do,” I said flatly without stopping. He refused to be deterred and continued to pace me as I headed back to my office. My first impulse was to return to my room but I knew that would only give me time to think and that would lead to more unhappiness. There was plenty of work to do on my desk.

“Yes,” Baki said, interrupting my thoughts. “I was there. But I’m more interested in what you didn’t say in front of everyone else.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.” Which was bordering on a lie. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately. I could practically feel the other man regarding me like he was trying to examine me from the inside out. It was irritating and uncomfortable but I chose to ignore it.

“I just hope that your personal feelings will not interfere with your position,” Baki said carefully.

“And what would you know about personal feelings?” I snapped moodily as I pushed my way into my office. I’d rarely seen the man do anything except work my whole life. Where did he get the nerve to lecture me about my personal life interfering when he’d never had one? 

Baki calmly followed me inside and shut the door behind him. “I know you. Your emotions are often intense. Whatever it is you‘re doing to yourself to manage them is not helping.” His tone was very quiet and more comforting than I would have imagined. The wall that I’d been creating around my feelings was starting to soften and I did my best to shore it up.

“My emotions are not an issue. Suna’s relationship with Konoha will not suffer.” Only my relationship with Naruto would. When I stopped in front of my desk and braced my hands on the desktop, I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. 

“I watched you suffer alone for years. I don’t think I can bear to see you revert back to that now that things have gotten better.” There was true regret in his voice which surprised me.

I didn’t quite trust my voice so I was quiet for a while. When I did finally speak, it sounded rough. “I’ve only got myself to blame this time.” 

“Is it really that bad?”

I nodded wordlessly. But I couldn’t let myself wallow in my pain no matter how much I wanted to. Straightening, I let the cool veneer of indifference fall over me again. “If you’ll excuse me, there are some things I need to attend to.”

“Gaara.” It was the same patient voice Kankuro had used with me before when he was explaining that he was happy for me and Naruto. When I didn’t respond, Baki sighed. “Believe in you own words and remember that you’re not alone anymore.”

I knew I wasn’t alone. There was part of me that was well aware that I had support now when I hadn’t before. But at the same time, I felt more alone now than ever. “I will be alright,” I told him. And perhaps I would be eventually. I just didn’t know how long it would take. Baki squeezed my shoulder one more time before leaving me on my own. The only thing left for me to do was sit at my desk and focus on the work before me. 

The days started to pass slowly after that. Working allowed me to ignore what was bothering me and I dove into it to keep my mind off my issues. When I wasn’t working, I was training. Letting my skills slide just because I was Kazekage wouldn’t do. And it was as good an excuse as any to keep from thinking about Naruto. I was never hungry anymore but I ate enough to appease my siblings who had both been watching me carefully. In the rare moments when I allowed myself to feel, the pain was so intense it made me slightly nauseous. Sleep was out of the question. When I did manage to drift off, I dreamed of Naruto and woke feeling more lonely than ever. But I could function. I’d managed for years without sleeping regularly and I could manage well enough now.

And I continued to manage well enough for almost three weeks. Fatigue was starting to build up but I continued to ignore it relatively easily. The slight disorientation and dizziness I’d started to feel was probably just due to how little sleep I was getting. Or it might have been my poor diet but I wasn’t really consciously aware of either of those things. One morning I woke feel particularly sluggish and after finishing a light, early breakfast that I barely managed to keep down, I headed to the morning council meeting. 

One of the guards stationed in the hall was watching me approach, his expression one of concern. “Are you alright, Kazekage-sama?” 

“I’m fine,” I replied easily. But I found myself clutching my robes tight about me as I suppressed a shiver and headed inside to take my seat. The air seemed cooler this morning than I was used to and it was giving me a chill. I could see a few of the council members watching me but I straightened my shoulders so I wouldn‘t appear weak. There was nothing wrong with me. But during the meeting, I kept shifting uncomfortably as I struggled to concentrate on what was being said. It was like I was seeing everything through I fog and their words were difficult to understand. The room was spinning slightly and I sat as still as I could so I wouldn’t get dizzy. But when it became too much, I finally excused myself and left the room. The subjects of discussion were routine and didn’t need my attention. Or at least I thought they were.

As I headed down the hall, I thought I heard someone calling my name but it was a distant sound. I sought the comfort of my room where it was dark and inviting and safe. I just needed a few minutes to pull myself together. If Naruto was here, he would have been worried about me. My chest started aching again and I clutched at my robes as I shuffled down the hall to my room. I thought I heard my name called again and I locked the door behind me. I didn’t want to deal with anyone else right now and the sound of another voice was starting to send small waves of pain through my head. But the locked door didn’t seem to be much of a deterrent. There was an insistent knocking as soon as I was inside. 

Waving my hand in an irritable gesture, I raised a wall of sand around the whole room including the balcony doors. No one could get inside now. I could remain in the quiet darkness and finally get some rest. Stripping out of my robe, I lay on the bed in the dark and sighed. I was all alone but it was where I belonged. I didn’t deserve to be with anyone. Not with the way I’d treated everybody around me. A couple years of caring just couldn‘t make up for a lifetime of not giving a damn. I curled up uncomfortably on my side. It had gotten much hotter since the meeting and my throbbing head was really starting to pound. But finally, everything started to fade so it wasn’t quite so noticeable.

I’m not sure how long I lay in the dark. I was plagued with visions of Naruto and how good he’d felt against me. But then everything started to change and he kept moving father away, always staying just beyond my reach. He wouldn’t look at me. I kept crying his name as I tired desperately to get him to stop, to turn around. Anything. I wanted him to acknowledge me. Maybe not to forgive me. That might be asking too much but I just wanted him to see me. 

“Gaara?”

I was startled out of my sleepy hallucination by a voice I never thought I’d hear again. Was that Naruto? He couldn’t be here. There was no way he could be here. My imagination was playing tricks on me. Grabbing my pillow, I wrapped it around my head to keep out the sound. I’d finally gotten rid of the Shukaku. I couldn’t deal with any more voices in my head.

“Gaara?” 

He was louder this time and more insistent. After pining for him for weeks and wondering for months what I felt about him before that, I was afraid to see him now. What if he was just here to tell me what a horrible person I was? What if he wasn’t really here at all and I was really was starting to lose my mind this time?

“Gaara, please let me in.” Naruto sounded so sad and worried. I couldn’t stand to hear him in pain. There was a tentative touch against the sand as I felt him place his hand against the barrier I‘d made. The sand parted at his touch and allowed him inside before closing again and leaving us alone together. The darkness was absolute so I couldn’t see him but I felt him move closer to the bed.

“Gaara?”

“You’re not really here,” I told him stubbornly. My voice was a hoarse whisper. He couldn’t be here. He was probably just an illusion. Or a hallucination. Or something in between. Nothing felt quite real at the moment and my head was swimming. I shouldn’t have let him in but something told me I might not have had any choice in the matter. The sand had almost moved on its own.

“Gaara, what’s wrong?” he asked me gently.

“You left me.” That’s what was really wrong. He’d left me and I was never going to see him again. 

There was a soft sigh on the air. “Gaara, I’m so sorry.” He came a little closer. “I messed up.”

“But it was all my fault,” I moaned piteously.

“No it wasn’t.” The mattress dipped as he sat beside me. “I kinda freaked out a little. I. . .I didn’t know what to do.”

“But I took advantage of you.” I knew he wasn’t really here so it didn’t matter what I said or how much I opened up. I could tell him everything without worrying about it. 

“I figured it was the other way around.” He sighed again. That wasn’t what I expected him to say. “Why did you lock everybody out? They’re really worried about you. I‘m worried about you.” 

That’s all I seemed to do; make people worried or afraid. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make you worry.” My voice became choked with tears as I started to cry. “I love you so much. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and because I did something stupid I’ll never see you again. I don’t know why anybody cares about me.”

“Because they love you,” Naruto said gently as he moved closer. “Because I love you.”

The ache in my chest pulsed and I let out a sobbing whimper. Naruto pulled me close and gathered me in him arms which made me cry harder as I clung to him. Even if he might not really be here, I couldn’t let him leave me again. Curling into him, I wrapped my arms around his waist. He smoothed my hair away from my forehead before placing his hand on my cheek.

“Gaara you’re burning up.” Naruto hissed as he touched my bare skin. 

I wasn’t sure how that was possible. I was freezing and I shivered as I pressed closer to him. “Please don’t leave me again.” I clung to him and didn’t want to let go.

“It’s alright,” he said soothingly. But I thought I heard a thread of worry in his voice. “I’m not going anywhere.” He stroked my hair. “Please Gaara. Release the sand. Let me take care of you.”

I felt so warm and safe with him. My whole life I’d always wanted to be able rely on someone but never had the chance. Until now. Naruto was here and I loved him so much. Sighing, I let myself relax completely and let go of the sand surrounding my room. And then he picked me up and we floated away. . .

. . . . . . .

I struggled to claw my way back to awareness but I couldn’t quite manage to open my eyes. Everything ached and the throbbing in my head was more insistent than ever. There was something pressing over my nose and mouth that felt like an oxygen mask. The scent of healing herbs and anesthetic made my nose twinge. Was I in the hospital? When did I get here? What had happened? The murmur of my sibling’s voices prompted me to let them know I was awake. But I couldn’t even lift a finger let alone make a sound. Kankuro and Temari were arguing. 

“If you’d been paying more attention-” Kankuro began.

“Me? You’re the one who doesn’t notice a damned thing when it’s right in front of you. You spend more time examining border reports than you do talking with Gaara.” Temari sounded furious.

“And what about you? You spend so much time at the academy that you’re never around,” Kankuro sniped back. He probably wouldn’t win the argument but that didn’t stop him from trying.

“Well forgive me for giving a damn about Suna’s future. You can just-”

“Stop it!” The third voice made my heart soar and confused me at the same time. Why was Naruto here? My memory was really fuzzy and I couldn‘t quite remember what was going on. I heard him shut the door with a click. “If you guys are going to do that, go somewhere else. He’s going to keep sleeping forever if this is all he’s got to look forward to when he wakes up.”

There were mumbled apologies from my siblings. They weren’t really angry with each other. They were scared. I could tell that much just from the sound of their voices. I wanted to let them know I was awake but my body betrayed me.

“It’s okay,” Naruto continued gently. “I know you guys aren’t really mad. It’s because you care. You should both go home and get some sleep yourselves. You look really tired.” There was a pause and I could imagine them all staring at each other trying to figure out who would give in first. “I promise I’ll let you know if anything changes,” Naruto told them. When that got no response, he sighed. “Do you really want him to see you looking this worn out? You’ll just make him worry.”

Finally there was the sound of shuffling before I felt a soft pat on my hand. “We’ll be back in the morning,” Kankuro murmured as Temari kissed my temple. 

When the door opened and closed again, I felt Naruto take my hand. I wanted to apologize so badly. So I tried really hard to let him know I was awake but all that came out was a gurgling whimper. 

“It’s alright, I’m right here,” he said quietly as he squeezed my hand and stroked my hair. 

It was quiet for a while as I continued to try and force myself to wake up. But all that I managed was a feeble twitch of my fingers. I let out strangled huff of frustration that ended in a pathetic sounding whine.

“Shhhhhh. I know you’re not really ready to wake up yet. I promise I won‘t go anywhere.” Naruto’s soft voice and his soothing touch were making me sleepy. I really wanted to talk to him but staying awake was becoming a battle that it appeared I couldn’t win. Letting out a soft sigh, I let sleep claim me once again.

When I woke the second time, I was finally able to pry my eyes open. The aches had become more bearable and the pounding in my head was now just a soft throb. The oxygen mask was gone and I was propped up on the bed but I felt incredibly weak. It appeared that I really was in the hospital. The sun was shining around the edges of the curtained window and it illuminated the sterile interior. I was surprised that my siblings weren’t present. What was even more surprising was that Kakashi was sitting at the foot of my bed reading a book instead. His visible eye flicked up to regard me with humor and something that might have been relief.

“Good morning, Gaara,” he said.

I couldn’t manage much more than a grunt in response as I tried to figure out how much of my recent memory was a dream and how much was reality. I thought I’d been dreaming about Naruto’s arrival but Kakashi’s presence led me to believe otherwise. As I caught movement out of the corner of my eye, I turned my head to look at the bed next to mine. Naruto was curled up in a tangle of sheets with his limbs wrapped tightly around a pillow. He was fast asleep and snoring softly.

“How long has he been there?” I tried to keep my voice down so I wouldn’t disturb him but it turned out I didn’t even have to. My voice had been reduced to a dry rasp. 

“Almost four days,” Kakashi replied as he closed the book and put it away. “He sat with you all that time. He refused to leave even when the doctors urged him to go get some sleep. This was the compromise,” he said as nodded toward the other bed. I thought I saw him smile fondly behind the mask. 

Naruto shifted again and yawned as he rolled onto his back. His blonde spikes were sticking up in every direction and he wearing what looked like a pair of Kankuro’s pajamas. Part of me would have liked to see him in a pair of mine but I had a smaller build and they probably wouldn’t have fit. Shaking my head, I pushed away the distracting thought. He was really here. Memories started to surface from when Naruto had arrived and mild panic started to bubble up from the inside as I remembered the things I’d said. And then I was looking into a pair startled blue eyes and all of that melted away. I think Kakashi excused himself quietly and left the room but neither of us really noticed.

“Gaara,” Naruto said quietly. “You’re awake.” He sat up and scrubbed hand through his hair. “How are you feeling?”

I swallowed painfully and considered what to say. There were a lot of things I was feeling right now. “That’s a complicated answer,” I said finally. I coughed a little. Talking irritated my dry throat.

Naruto immediately got up and poured me a glass of water. His fingers brushed mine when he handed it to me and I would have dropped it if he hadn’t brought up his other hand to cup mine. He helped me lift the glass to my lips so I could take a sip. When I was finished, he set it aside and settled on the edge of my bed. 

“So that complicated answer,” he said. “You don’t have to tell me all of it or anything but are you feeling any better than before?” he asked hopefully. And maybe with a little apprehension.

I sighed. “A little.” There were so many things cycling through my head right now. 

He fidgeted where he sat. “That’s good. I was worried.” His eyes wandered around the room. “Um. . .do you remember what you said before?”

What did I say? Things had started coming back to me earlier but they slipped away just as easily. “Sort of.” It was quiet for a moment as we tried to figure out how to continue. Neither of us was very good at expressing our feelings calmly, or at all in my case. When the door opened, we both jumped. Naruto stood and ran a nervous hand through his hair as a doctor and a nurse came in. He stepped out of the way as they checked my vitals and the IV that I hadn’t really noticed until now. 

The doctor was quiet and polite enough to make me think he was either nervous around me or conscious that he‘d just walked in on a private moment. But the nurse had no compunctions about telling me what she thought. “You gave us quite a scare,” she said with a tone that bordered on scolding. The doctor shot her a glance but she ignored him. It was the same steadfast nurse who’d been present when I’d brought Naruto to the hospital back when all of this had started. 

“What happened?” I asked. I hadn’t really thought to ask before now. I remember being upset but that shouldn’t have required a hospital stay. 

The nurse gave me an appraising look. “From what your siblings told us, you weren’t taking very good care of yourself. Lack of rest and proper meals were taking a toll on your body and it reduced your immune system‘s ability to protect you. You developed a dangerously high fever. It’s broken now and with a few days of rest, you should make a full recovery.” Her eyes narrowed dangerously. “You shouldn‘t let stress affect your health like that.”

I felt Naruto’s gaze settle on me but I couldn’t make myself look at him. “When can I go home?” I asked her. I didn’t care for hospitals and I didn’t want to say any longer than necessary.

“Well.” She consulted the chart she carried. “We’d like to keep you another two days.” Her gaze shifted to the strangely nervous blonde who was sitting on the other bed giving her a hopeful look. “But as long as nothing changes drastically overnight, I suppose we could release you tomorrow. With supervision of course,” she added. The doctor really didn’t have much to say.

Naruto sighed when they finally left but as soon as the door closed, it opened again immediately to admit my siblings. “Gaara, thank goodness!” Kankuro said as they both came over to the bed. “And you,” he said as he pulled Naruto over and slung an arm across his shoulders. “Thank you for coming when you did. I wasn’t sure anyone else would have been able to get through to him.”

“Yeah, well.” Naruto shrugged. “Wasn’t much. Right place, right time I guess.” He looked like he felt guilty for some reason. We really needed to talk. But it was something that needed to be discussed in private and my brother and sister looked ready to stick around. And the two of them were just the beginning of a steady parade of visitors that came to see me including Baki, several council members, and Shikamaru who had come with Naruto and Kakashi. It was a little overwhelming and by the time the afternoon rolled around, I was exhausted. I fell asleep early and slept all through the night.

After breakfast at the hospital the next morning, I felt well enough to go home. There were a few more tests the doctor’s wanted to run to make sure I was relatively healthy and that my chakra was stable. It was almost midday by the time I was released and escorted home by Naruto and my siblings. There was also a group of people to carry home the veritable forest of flowers that had been sitting on every available surface in my hospital room. 

Kankuro and Temari left me in the hall outside my door and promised to check on me later. But when Naruto mumbled something about letting me get some rest and moved to leave, I snagged his sleeve and pulled him inside. But I ended up stumbling over a pile of sand that had settled inside the door. Naruto’s caught me and I leaned on him heavily. I was remembering more now. I’d locked myself in my room by using my sand to keep everyone out and now it was lying in discarded piles everywhere. I didn’t have much strength left but I mustered enough to collect it all and deposit it back in the gourd that sat in the corner of my bedroom. But the effort left me completely drained and Naruto had to help me over to the couch so I could sit down. 

“Now that we’re finally alone,” I said. “We need to talk.” 

“You really should get some sleep,” he said earnestly as he stood before me. “You’re really tired.” 

“Please.” I didn’t want to wait. It was true that I was incredibly tired but I’d stressed myself out to the point that I’d gotten really sick because I’d waited this long. 

“I’m not leaving or anything,” Naruto insisted with a touch of impatience as he sat down beside me on the couch. “I promise I won’t leave Suna until we talk. But you can barely keep your eyes open. I don’t think now is a good time.”

“Naruto-” 

He interrupted me before I could finish. “Gaara, you nearly died.” His voice cracked on the last word. 

I reached out and took his hand. For the first time since I woke, I noticed how tired he looked himself. I’d been worried about him for so long, I hadn’t realized how much he might have been worrying about me. 

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“I’m just glad you’re okay,” he mumbled as he squeezed my fingers. 

“We don’t have to talk right now. But. . .please,” I said quietly. “Stay here with me.” It seemed I couldn’t quite get away from the fear no matter how hard I tried. He said he wouldn’t leave Suna just yet but that didn’t mean he’d stay in my room. I held his hand and tried not to look desperate. He regarded me seriously for a moment before his expression softened. 

“I told you I’m not going anywhere.”

We stared at each other silently for a little while and it seemed that neither one of us really knew what to do. There was as much hesitance on his part as there was on mine. But he reached out and put his arm around me and all the doubts I had seemed to melt away. The scent of him surrounded me and I felt his warmth as I leaned into his body. Naruto held me close and sighed. The tension seemed to melt out of him and I realized how stressed he’d been. But he was here now and it would get better. It was getting harder for me to stay awake but I didn’t feel any pressing need to do anything about it. After weeks of not sleeping, I fell into the deepest, most relaxed slumber I’d experienced in a long time.


	14. Chapter 14

When I woke, I was relaxed and comfortable. I was still tired but I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt this good. The last thing I remembered, Naruto and I had been sitting on the couch together but now we were laying in bed and I was pressed up against his side. A hand smoothed a gentle path up my back and I sighed contentedly as I snuggled into the warmth. 

“Sorry,” Naruto murmured. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s okay. I was awake.” It was dark outside but I had no idea if it was the same day or if I’d slept a full day and into another night. Now that I’d gotten some rest, it was really time for that talk but before I could begin, Naruto started first.

“I finally got your letters,” he blurted suddenly. “But it wasn’t until just before I came here. I wrote you a couple letters too but I don’t think they ever got here at all. It was all a big mess and it was all my fault for not figuring it out and I‘m sorry.” Naruto hugged me like he was afraid I might get away from him. But I wasn’t going anywhere. My mind was still trying to process what he’d said. He hadn’t ignored the letters that I’d sent him. He’d never gotten them at all. 

“I thought you didn’t want to talk to me anymore,” I said quietly. How could I have assumed that he’d just decided not to answer, that he didn’t want to talk to me at all? But I’d sent the letters weeks ago and I hadn’t known what else to think. “How did you just end up getting them now?” 

Naruto growled softly and I shifted so I could look at him. His expression was a mix of anger and annoyance. “Stupid council geezers,” he muttered darkly. “Some jerk was intercepting all my mail and giving it to the secret security guys like it was some sort of security issue or something. Just because I’ve got Kyuubi in me doesn’t mean I’m a spy,” he spat bitterly.

I felt so stupid. I really should have made more of an effort to talk to Naruto in person instead of retreating into myself and wallowing in self pity. All of my emotions and physical reactions had been based on an assumption. I sighed heavily. “So what happened?” 

“Shikamaru did some digging after he talked to you. He figured everything out for me since I couldn’t do it on my own,” he said sheepishly. “I thought that you didn’t answer my letters and didn’t want to hear from me. Sitting around thinking about it hurt too much so I asked for every mission I could get my hands on. When I was busy, it wasn’t so bad but I hardly spent any time at home. Sorry I wasn‘t there when you came to visit. But I. . .I was afraid.” 

That sounded so painfully familiar. I splayed my fingers over his shirt and felt the beat of his heart under my hand. Naruto covered my hand with his own and let out his own sigh. 

“It wasn‘t until I got back almost three weeks after you left Konoha that Shikamaru found out what was going on and let me know. I was so stupid.”

“I think we were both guilty of that,” I told him. “And I’m really sorry that they trust you so little that they‘d do that to you.” I knew exactly what that was like. It was incredibly difficult to win over those who were so strongly set against you. 

“It’s not everybody. A lot of people are actually starting to like me now. Granny Tsunade got really pissed when she found out what they were doing.” He chuckled. “She nearly threw the guy off the aviary tower.”

It was good to hear that the Hokage was looking out for Naruto. I knew she had a special place for him in her heart which was part of why she’d given him her necklace. I could feel the outline of the pendant under the fabric of his shirt. “So,” I began carefully. “Why did you leave?” That was the big question. Now that we’d both admitted what fools we’d been, it was time to address the night that had changed everything.

“Because.” He opened and closed his mouth a few time and he struggled to find words. “You were so upset earlier that day and you were really vulnerable. I totally took advantage of you. And you were drunk which made what I did worse.”

Brief memories surfaced in my mind and told me that we’d had part of this conversation before when I‘d been suffering from a fever. “I’m pretty sure we were both drunk,” I said.

“That doesn’t matter. It was wrong and I shouldn’t have done it. I-” He stopped when I propped myself up so I could look down at him. 

“I never told you to stop,” I told him firmly. “I was well aware of what we were doing. It’s what I wanted so why was it wrong?”

“Because you deserve better than me.”

That was probably one of the most ridiculous things I’d ever heard him say. But as I stared down at Naruto and looked into his somber blue eyes, I realized that he was completely serious. I couldn’t think of a single thing to say in response that wouldn’t sound pretentious or pathetic. I wasn’t quite sure if there was anything I could say that he would believe right now. So I leaned down and kissed him instead. He let out a small whimper against my lips and I threaded my fingers through his hair. When I finally pulled back, we were both breathing hard and there were tears in his eyes. Resting my forehead against his, I brushed a stray tear away with my thumb.

“I love you.” I said it without hesitation and knew I meant it with every part of my being. “You changed my life and I can’t imagine you not being a part of it.” When he tightened his arms around my waist, I relaxed into him.

“I love you too,” he said. “I’m so happy when I get to see you. I miss you when we’re not together. I think about you all the time and I don’t know what to do about it.”

His words were such a mirror of my own thoughts that I nearly laughed. But I found myself crying instead. It wasn’t because I was sad. I was so happy, it filled me near to bursting and the emotion had to come out somehow. 

“Oh Gaara, please don’t cry.”

“It’s okay,” I sniffed. “I’m just happy and relieved and tired all at once.” 

“Well, you were just really sick and you’re still recovering. It‘s not really surprising that you‘re tired,” he said in sudden moment of sober clarity. “Do you want to sleep some more or do you want to eat something? I‘m always starving when I wake up in the hospital.”

I felt a hollow pang at my stomach and realized that I actually pretty hungry. “A little. But I think I want a bath more.” 

“Well, I think I can help you with that,” he said as he helped me sit up. “C’mon.” 

I still felt incredibly weak and needed Naruto’s help to make it to the bathroom. He sat me on the lip of the spacious sunken tub before turning on the water.

“Just hang on a sec. I’ll be right back.” He leaned in to kiss my forehead and his lips lingered over the mark I‘d made as a child. 

He loved me. 

Cupping his face in my hands, I kissed him on the mouth. He lingered there too. Fortunately it was a really big tub or our distraction might have lasted long enough for it to overflow. But it wasn’t even half full by the time we came up for air. 

“I really will be right back,” he said breathlessly before heading out the door. When he returned a few minutes later, he stripped out of his clothes and strode unabashedly naked across the bathroom, presumably to help me undress. I gave him a bemused look and he smiled back as he answered my unspoken question. 

“I’m gonna take a bath too. You’re still all wobbly and tired. What’s the point of coming to your rescue if I let you drown in the bathtub five minutes later?” 

I chuckled as he helped me slip out of my clothes. It turned into a sigh as I stepped down into the blissfully hot water. There was plenty of room for both of us in the tub as I settled back against him. It wasn’t nearly as awkward as I thought it might be even though we were both naked. It felt more natural than anything else. My eyes rolled back a little and I moaned in pleasure as Naruto lathered up my hair and started to massage my scalp. 

“You were partly wrong before, you know,” he said.

“Hn. How so?” It was getting difficult to concentrate as he continued his ministrations. 

“I didn’t change your life,” he said simply.

“Of course you did. If I had never met you, I wouldn’t be who I am now.” I tried to turn around but he gently held me still so he could rinse my hair without blinding me.

“Maybe. We’re so much alike and we experienced the same pain but I didn’t change you. The only thing I did was show you that there was a different way to survive it. You’re the one who chose to see it. You’re the one who made that change.”

I’d never really thought about it that way. When he was finished rinsing, he finally let me shift in the tub so I could look him in the eye. But he didn’t give me a chance to argue at all. Instead, he leaned forward and kissed me while he started to wash my back. His hands glided over my wet, soapy skin and made me sigh into his mouth. He was so gentle. By the time he finished bathing me, I was breathless and slightly aroused. But my growing hunger made itself more of a priority.

“Maybe you’re right,” I admitted quietly as I fumbled with a towel so he could help me put on a robe.

“You better believe I am.” Naruto put an arm around my waist and walked me into the other room where there was a tray of steaming dishes waiting. 

“You were busy while you stepped out,” I murmured. 

He laughed and it was a wonderful sound. “Well actually, I had a little help with that. Unless you’re really in the mood for instant ramen, I’m a pretty lousy cook.” 

I wasn‘t exactly a gourmet myself but I knew my way around the kitchen. There were bowls of rice, soup, and tea. The telltale scent of one of Temari’s blends wafted from the pot. “I hope my sister wasn’t too rough on you for waking her.” She could be extremely temperamental if disturbed while she was sleeping.

“Nah. She and your brother are pretty cool. I think they’re just happy that you’re okay.”

I was pretty sure they’d also give Naruto anything he asked for and more. Every time he came here, he just kept becoming more of a hero in their eyes. But I doubt the thought had even occurred to him. When I had the energy to be awake for more than ten minutes at a time, I’d have to spend some time with my siblings. It shouldn’t take a life threatening experience to bring us closer together. Naruto and I sat down to eat and it was quiet for a few minutes. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t do this for you,” I told him as I sipped my tea.

“What are you talking about?” He looked honestly perplexed.

“You’re taking really good care of me. You’re better at it than I am.” While I’d been helping him recover, I spent most of the time being afraid to touch him. I’d been so worried that I might ruin everything that I hadn’t dared.

“Are you kidding?” He set his bowl down and scooted closer to me on the couch. “You found me when was missing. You saved me,” he said quietly.  
“But I was so afraid that I’d do something wrong.”

“You did everything right. And Kyuubi wouldn‘t have talked to anyone else. There’s no one else that could have done what you did.” 

Maybe. “Is he giving you any trouble?” I asked him as I picked up my cup of tea.

“Not really,” he said and frowned at me. “Don’t change the subject.” 

“Sorry,” I murmured. I was the one who’d brought it up after all. “There are just times when I don’t feel like I’m doing enough.” 

“Me too.” This time Naruto smiled and laughed a little. “We’ve kind of got some issues, don’t we?” 

I’d always had issues and it appeared that some of them still haunted me even now that things had gotten better. “I suppose we do,” I admitted with a small smile. “What are we going to do about it?”

“C’mere.” Naruto held out his arms and I went to him easily. When I put my head on his shoulder, he rested his cheek on my hair. “We’ll figure it out together. I think we’ve already proven that we’re not that good at it on our own.”

I had to agree. We’d both made assumptions and made ourselves miserable because of it. “I was so afraid to talk to you but it probably would have saved us a whole lot of trouble.”

“Just promise me that you won’t hold it all in until you get sick again.” He sighed and held me tighter. “That really scared me.”

“Only if you promise not to leave like that again without talking to me first.”

He chuckled. “Deal.” We sat together quietly for a while before he spoke again. “Hey, Gaara?”

“Hmm?”

“That night. The night of the festival. Did I. . .” He huffed a breath. “Did I hurt you?” He sounded so tentative and worried.

“No.” I’d been sore afterwards but from what I’d read while researching, that was to be expected from our first time. There was little thrill that ran through me when I thought that it might not be our last. 

“Are you sure? I was trying to be so careful but. . .I made you bleed.”

I’d seen the spots on the sheets the next morning and knew what he meant. “You didn’t hurt me. I’m just not used to it.” I tilted my head up and turned his chin so he was looking at me. “It will get better.” I saw his cheeks redden and the corner of his mouth curled up. There was hope in his eyes and I didn’t want to do anything to ruin that. But in the spirit of not holding things inside, I needed to be honest with him. “Actually, I was worried that I might hurt you.” 

Judging by his puzzled look, he didn’t quite understand what I meant. “But I was the one who was. . .you know.”

“You’d just been. . .hurt by someone you cared about.” We were both being really careful with our words. “I didn’t want to make it worse or take advantage of you.”

Naruto looked deeply into my eyes, his expression suddenly serious. “You could never do that.” There was that simple, unshakable belief in me again. “I had a bond with him. But him and me. It was never the same as it is between me and you.” He swallowed and I could see that he was still hurting on the inside but he took a deep breath and settled himself. “It’s just different. I‘ve wanted to be with you for a long time even before all of that stuff happened. I love you, Gaara.”

Something in me settled as he spoke. I pressed closer to him and he kissed my forehead again. “I love you, too.” We sat together there on the couch and I couldn’t have been happier.

. . . . . . .

It was couple of more days before I felt well enough to spend any time in my office but I could still only manage a few hours before I got really tired. Naruto stayed by my side the whole time as if he were afraid to let me slip away again. There was a small part of me that was a little irritated at all the coddling but most of me loved every minute of it. We ate meals together, we bathed together, and he slept in my bed. It never quite got to be routine because it was still so new to both of us but it was really nice.

A few days after I‘d come home from the hospital, I was in my office picking through the growing stacks of paperwork. It was going to take a long time to dig myself out of the hole I’d fallen into. I was getting ready to finish up for the day when I felt Naruto move in closer behind me and brush his lips against the back of my neck. He’d left earlier to head off into the village by himself with the promise that he’d come back soon. When his arms encircled my shoulders, I leaned back into him. 

“I’m almost done,” I told him. 

“How are you feeling?” he asked, his voice slightly muffled against my neck. His warm breath on my skin made me shudder and the sensation shot right to my lap. 

“Much better,” I murmured as I arched my neck back. He leaned in started peppering my face with kisses. When he was finished, he latched onto my mouth and licked at my lips. Naruto was always very careful with me but he’d gotten much more forward in the last couple of days. 

“I know you said you’re almost done,” he said when he came up for breath. “But is there any way you could be all done?” He leaned in closer as I tried to finish up the form I was working on. There were soft touches as he rubbed my shoulders and kisses to my neck that were getting really distracting. After doing his best to distract me, he finally managed to slither his way into my lap so he could wrap his arms around my neck and completely get in my way. Giving up on the paperwork, I nuzzled his ear and pulled him closer.

“I think I could get away with playing hooky the rest of the day.” Not that I really needed any excuses.

Naruto sighed and shifted in my lap. The unexpected friction made me inhale sharply. We’d spent a lot of time together recently but I hadn’t really had the energy for much more than some playful touching. But I was feeling much stronger today. I slid my hands up under his jacket so I could touch his bare skin. Naruto’s breathing got a little heavier as he threaded his fingers through my hair. Standing carefully, we headed back to my room hand in hand. Naruto was endearingly shy in front of other people. I’m not sure if he was nervous about what other people thought or if he was more worried about what they’d think of me. 

But when we got to my room and the door was shut, he turned so he could cup my face in his hands and kiss me soundly. I could still taste the tea we’d had a little while earlier. The metal emblem of his headband was cool against my bare forehead as he looked into my eyes. He always asked me first even if it wasn’t with words. After giving me time to decline if I chose, he pulled the cowl up over my head so he could slide the outer part of my robe off my shoulders. I wasn’t wearing much beneath the blue robe underneath but before I was completely nude, Naruto kissed me again and steered me toward the bed. 

Once he sat me down on the edge, he wasted no time in shucking his own clothing and letting it fall to the floor. The last thing he removed was his headband which he folded and placed carefully on the nightstand before we went any further. I waited patiently for him to finish before holding out my hand to him. Sliding back onto the bed, I pulled him with me. I was still partially dressed but that did nothing to hide my arousal. Naruto’s hand gently cupped me through the cloth as he lay down and pressed up against my side. He nibbled at the corner of my jaw as I shifted my hips up against his hand. 

I only had a few moments to wonder if I was ready to have him in me again. We hadn’t gone that far except for that first night during the festival but if we prepared adequately, it would be a little easier. Naruto worked the fabric of my blue robe up my body so we were both completely bare. But instead of raising my knees so he had better access, he straddled my hips instead. Our lengths brushed together making me sigh and shift my hips. Electric pulses of sensation made me shudder beneath him. When Naruto leaned forward so he could kiss me his tongue delved into my mouth, exploring every inch of me. I couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone else. I wouldn’t want to.

While he continued to kiss and lick at my mouth, I could feel him shifting where knelt above me but I couldn’t see what he was doing. And when slick fingers encircled my shaft, I didn’t really have the mental capacity to speculate what he might be doing anymore. Naruto squeezed gently and pressed his cheek to mine. 

“We tried it the other way last time,” he panted. “Will you let me. . ?” He inhaled like he was scenting me. I didn’t really know what he was asking me until he shifted again and started to lower himself carefully. A slick heat engulfed my tip and I gasped in surprise. I should have been the one asking permission.

“Are you sure you want to. . ?” I had to swallow and catch my breath. “You want to do it like this? We haven‘t. . .it might hurt.” It sounded vaguely crass the way I said it but I was having trouble finding words at the moment. I just really didn’t want him to be hurt because he wasn’t prepared.

“Only with you,” he murmured I my ear. “Only you.” Naruto continued to slide down slowly until he was fully seated. We both moaned softly. Naruto was shaking as he sat up and arched his back. My breath was starting to come in soft pants as he tensed his muscles around me. The wet heat of him was sending pleasurable waves of sensation throughout my whole body. At this point, he hadn‘t even started to move yet. I slid my hands up his thighs and kneaded his skin gently. 

“Naruto,” I breathed. My voice had a breathy husk that was barely recognizable. “Are you okay?”

“Hmmmm.” Naruto hummed in appreciation as he shifted where he sat. I thought I saw him blush but it was hard to tell in the dimness of the room. “I um. . .I made myself ready.”

I pressed my thumbs into the inside of his thighs and rubbed his increasingly sensitized skin in circular motions. Naruto pulled himself up a little and settled again. The motion drew another gasp from me. But when the blonde leaned down to take one of my nipples into his mouth, I cried out. My concentration was wavering and my hands dropped to clench my fingers in the sheets. Naruto’s neglected length rubbed against my abdomen and I was distantly aware that I should be doing something about that. But I was preoccupied and inexperienced and too busy being washed away with other sensations to think outside of myself. The waves continued to rise and fall as Naruto slowly moved up and down. He seemed to have gotten distracted as well. His forehead was resting on my sternum and his hands were braced on either side of me. He grunted softly each time he moved. 

“Ga-Gaara,” he panted. As he picked up his pace, his breaths got shorter. The pressure started to build until I couldn’t take it anymore. The wanton wail that escaped me as I climaxed hardly sounded like me. Naruto gripped himself and followed closely after but he was much quieter as the hot spurt of his release painted us both. He stiffened and slowed to a stop. We stayed still while we caught our breath and our heartbeats slowed. When Naruto finally pulled himself off of me, I let out a small whimper. 

“Did I hurt you?” he asked as he lay down beside me.

“No,” I replied quickly as I tried to reassure him. I turned so I could lean forward and kiss him as I stroked his hair. “I just feel so much. Sometimes it’s a little overwhelming.” Which was the honest truth. 

Naruto smiled at me and seemed extremely relieved. “Oh, good.” His smile turned suggestive. “You wanna take a bath?” Most of our intimate time over the last couple of days had been spent in a tub of hot water.

“I might need a few minutes before we try again.” My body felt loose and relaxed but incredibly lethargic. I wasn’t sure I was up for another round so soon. We did make it to the bathroom but we settled for a quick shower. After slipping into a silk robes, we settled on the couch and I reclined on the cushions with Naruto in my arms. After a while, he let out a long sigh. 

“What is it?” I asked him.

“I have to leave soon but I don’t want to.” 

I tightened my arms around him. “I know. I don’t want you to go either.” Now that we’d sorted everything out I didn’t want to go back to the way things were. The thought of being alone again made me ache. But I had to remind myself that it wasn’t forever. We’d visit and see each other again. “Just remember that I love you.”

He snuggled into me and tucked his head under my chin. “I know. And I love you too.” He was quiet for a little while before speaking again. “We’re going to have to figure out how we’re going to see each other because I’m not letting you go.”

It warmed me to hear him say that. I felt the same way. Back before everything had gone temporarily wrong, I’d been trying to think of a way to keep in contact. Due to our obligations, visits were sporadic and it was very difficult for me to leave my village at all. We were too far apart for radio contact and while letters were nice, it just wasn’t the same kind of satisfying contact. After months of brainstorming and research, I’d come up with a possible solution but he’d gone missing before I could show him. Naruto made a soft, disappointed sound when I shifted to get up but I kept hold of his hand and led him back to the worktable in my bedroom. He followed me with a curious frown on his face.

I pulled a velvet lined box out of a drawer and took off the cover. Inside there were three dull stones that looked relatively unimpressive unless you knew what they were. As I’d been exploring my sand manipulating abilities, I’d found that sometimes I could sense the quality of the rock and stones beneath the surface of the earth. It was hit or miss most of the time and I didn’t often have time to search in earnest but I had found these. They were chakra stones and if a person’s energy resonated the right way, they became imbued with their energy. 

Naruto frowned down at the box and raised a brow. “What are those?” 

I pulled out a necklace made of a sturdy chain. On it hung the deep red stone that resonated with my own chakra. I’d carved a symbol in its surface; the same symbol that marked my forehead. I unclasped it and hung it around Naruto’s neck. It sat a little higher than the necklace that Tsunade had given him but it would still be hidden safely under his shirt when he was dressed. 

“I want you to have this,” I told him.

He smiled as he fingered the stone. “I like it. But what about those?” He indicated the box again.

“Hold out your hand and raise your chakra.” There was the possibility that nothing would happen. Chakra stones were relatively rare and it was even more rare to find one that resonated to a specific person. I didn’t really want to explain, I wanted to show him. Naruto’s look was dubious but he held out his hand and complied anyway. His eyes widened as one of the stones started to glow. 

“Whoa. What’s that?”

I couldn’t help smiling. “It’s a chakra stone. That one responds when you focus on it because it’s attuned to you. And this one-” I brushed my fingers over the red stone. “This one is attuned to me.” I dropped my hand and raised my chakra. The red stone started to glow and Naruto’s eyes widened again. But after a moment, his expression softened and he clasped his hand around the necklace. 

“It feels like you,” he murmured as a faint blush spread across his cheeks. 

I pulled a handful of sand from the pouch that sat on the table and started polishing Naruto’s stone. When I was finished, it turned out to be a deep, sapphire blue that was nearly the same color as his eyes. After I’d strung it on another chain Naruto took it from my hands to give it a closer look. The stone started to glow again. Taking a kunai knife from the table, he started carving the surface. The tip of his tongue protruded from the corner of his mouth as he focused all his concentration on what he was doing. I could have imprinted any image he wanted but something told me he wanted to do this himself. Satisfied with the results, he grinned.

“There. It’s not quite as detailed as yours but I like it.” There was now a simple heart carved into the blue stone. Taking the chain in his hands, Naruto hung it around my neck himself. There was a warm burst of chakra and I felt a surprisingly intimate touch that was uniquely his. The familiarity and the warmth of it made me sigh. I wasn’t sure about the range. Suna and Konoha might be too far away to resonate like this but judging from the look on Naruto’s face, that might not matter.

“Thank you,” he said. As he rubbed his thumb over his pendant, he nibbled on his bottom lip. “I never seem to get you anything.” 

I moved forward and wrapped my arms around him. “You love me. That’s something I could never repay even if I tried for the rest of my life.” 

“Gaara.” Naruto pulled back so he could look me in they eye. “There is no owing when it comes to feelings. They just are.” For being such an unpredictable goof most of the time, he managed to say some profound things on occasion.

“I suppose. But it’s the same with this.” My fingers toyed with the stone. “Before I met you I never wanted to do anything for anyone. It pleases me that I can now.”

Naruto smiled and pulled me back in for another hug. “I love it.” 

I wrapped my arms tightly around him and sighed. I was going to miss him so much and I really didn’t want him to leave. But he loved me. That was really all that mattered. 

. . . . . . .

Two days later, I was at the main gates with my siblings so we could see Naruto hand his teammates off. Kakashi nodded his head and stood to one side while he waited for us to say our goodbyes. He could be more reticent than me when he chose. Shikamaru and Temari stood apart and neither was openly paying attention to the other. They’d most likely already said farewell in private. I reached out and shook Shikamaru’s hand. When I’d thanked him the day before, he’d waved it off.

“You guys are a pain.” He shrugged as a small smirk pulled at his mouth. “But Temari thinks you’re cute together.” 

If he hadn’t found my letters and given them to Naruto, I‘m not sure either of us would have found the answer on our own. It certainly wouldn’t have happened this quickly. In the end, I’m glad that he hadn’t listened to me when I asked him not to interfere. 

Naruto held back a bit like he was trying to put off the inevitable. Goodbyes were hard enough for him as it was. When he’d left Suna after rescuing me I’d had to give him some encouragement with my sand and I’d do the same again if it came down to it. He was still hanging back and I began to wonder if it was because he was still shy about showing our relationship in front of others. But at the last minute, he launched himself at me and I was nearly knocked off my feet. We held each other tight and the swell of our chakra made the stones we wore glow between us. He pulled back enough to show me that breathtaking grin before moving away completely. And then he was running. Shikamaru rolled his eyes and huffed before following and Kakashi murmured farewell before following suit.

I watched them go until they were barely visible. Naruto was taking my heart with him and it would forever be his. I clasped the pendant that hung around my neck. In turn, he‘d given his heart to me. I felt the stone pulse beneath my fingers and I sent and answering pulse of chakra back to its mate. I thought I saw one of the figures on the horizon turn and wave enthusiastically. My beautiful Naruto. I’d have to work really hard not to count down the moments until I could see him again. But I wasn’t worried because I had faith in him. And because of him, I had faith in myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first posted this story, I got a few questions about Sasuke and why I didn't have them confront him. I wanted this story to focus on Gaara and Naruto and the start of their relationship. This is the first story in a trilogy. 
> 
> The next part continues in Cinnamon and Sand.


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